Stuck in the middle?

[Lia73]

So....we are all sitting downstairs having something to eat and it suddenly kicks off!

A bit of background. I have been with my partner for 6.5 years, known him for about 20. I have a 17yo DD and yes I probably spoil her a bit! she is not a bad kid. Doing well at school and we get on so well. But he gets mad as she doesn't do a lot of housework. Mostly my fault as I don't make her but she has started helping out now, cooking dinner, hoovering etc.

Most of the time they get on great. But there are times I am soft with her and I know he gets annoyed with that. She always lets me know what shes doing, where shes going etc but she is moody too at times and snappy, though not too a bad extent. Just a typical teenager I would say. My other half wouldn't think that - he thinks parenting is simple. I wish! He doesn't have any of his own. Wants one with me but thats a whole other story.

For now.... most of the time they get on, but when they have a disagreement - could be over a matter of opinion. Today it was biscuits. It escalates and she resents him and tells him he's mean. He goes on about how lazy she is. She knows he probably only is good to her because she is mine, although I think he does care about her and she wants to care for him and has even said she loves him at time but when these arguments start (not very often until tonight!) thats it. the insults start and I feel so trapped in the middle. I want to reason with him and say, you know what shes not that bad - she doesn't throw things, shut etc, she is out the way most of the time in her room or out with her friends. She's soft like me. And then I wanna say to her you know he has been good to you, takes us both out, cooks for her etc. Why doesn't she make a bit more effort around the house without me having to ask? (Ithink though that is teenage behaviour, although I am not excusing it). And then its like whatever way I go, I am betraying someone. I have to admit I mostly stick up for my DD, so I don't blame my partner when he says he is better off with someone without a kid and he has wasted 7 years. I suppose he has.

I don't know. Just wanted to vent again. Anyone experience something similar?

If your DD is rude, disrespectful and insulting to your partner, it's no wonder he feels unappreciated and questions your commitment to him - why would you let her do that?

If your partner is rude and abusive to your DD, then why do you stay with him?

It sounds like you are stuck in a cycle that needs to be broken - you and your DP agree some house rules and you enforce them....she's your DD it is your job to parent her. She's nearly an adult - if she doesn't like the rules, she can chose to live elsewhere.

We read a lot about DisneyDads on this board; dads who can't or won't discipline their DCs and their partners are living a miserable life dancing to their DSC's tune. Perhaps your DP feels the same?

I wanted to second what NADM has said.

I also - and to be clear, I am in your DP's shoes, not yours, as I am the stepparent! - would make a suggestion, based on how I feel when my own DH gets 'stuck in the middle' like that...

Don't excuse your DD with "oh, she's just a normal teenager" - it IS normal for teenagers to do all sorts of things, and it is also normal and healthy for them to be reprimanded or called up on some of those things. It is your DD's job to test her limits, and your job to keep reinforcing them.
And don't appeal to your DD with "but he does so much for us/you!" - she either doesn't care, doesn't want him doing those things, or feels its just his job anyway.

Frankly, I am only further annoyed when my DH defends the kids in general terms - "they could be worse"; "they're teenagers"; etc. Usually, I am looking for a solution or a strategy to address a specific behaviour. That's why I think you need house rules, mutually agreed on, that you enforce. When we get that here, it works. When we don't, life sucks.

Wow - I've never seen a Disney Mum on here
Speaking as a stepmum I think you should back your DP up more. So your DD isn't that bad in your eyes but if it is important to him that she pulls her weight more then tell her to do it.
You aren't teaching her to respect him and she should for all the reasons you said in your post.
It may seem to you that she is not a problem, but you are her Mum and are bound to feel that way - you love her.
Speaking as a Mum though I do understand how hard it is when your DP has a go at your dc and you have to bite your lip sometimes and accept that your DP has the right to ask her to tidy up or whatever.
And it may be normal teenage behaviour but that doesn't make it right! That to me is as bad as my DP excusing his dc's behaviour by saying the divorce has affected them. No - it didn't. They use 'the divorce' to get away with murder!!!

You need to sit down with your OH and agree some basic house rules, then talk about how they are going to be enforced. It's no good agreeing that your DD should do more around the house but have no discussions about HOW that actually happens. Get a rota on the wall, get it clear in your head what the consequences are if that rota is not kept to but also talk about cutting your daughter a bit of slack, so for example if she has to hoover on a Tuesday, agree with your partner what happens if she is ill or has revision to do etc so not to cause a row. You need to talk through the details as that's so often where things go wrong.

It is down to you to do the enforcing as you are the parent and your daughter quite rightly resents your DP trying to parent her but I also think in the long term, she will resent you for letting DP talk to her like he does.

Your partner is frustrated, your daughter is resentful and you feel stuck in the middle. You need to change things for everyone's sake.

I have a 17 year old,does nothing in house, but is good with siblings, we are now at day 12 of an impasse, havent handed over Junes pocket money and wont until own roon is tidy, and if this goes on til end of month Im keeping it!

also meant to add, there is a massive me and DD v partner tone to your post?

And why wont you have a baby with him?

'I have to admit I mostly stick up for my DD' - and here is the problem. Either your DD is being rude, in which case back your DP up. Or your DP is expecting too much in which case you need a new agreement with your DP about the house rules and you may need to leave him if you and he can't co-parent. But what you can't do is take your DD's side during a row because then you just fuel her rudeness and alienate your partner.

You need to sit down with your DP, work out your house rules, explain them to your DD and BACK HIM UP if he needs to enforce them.