What to do?

[Mykidscomefirst]

OK, for the second time tonight, I have name changed. This just recently came up as a 'problem' for us and not one I'd considered until just now.

My DS has SN.

My DSC regularily call people spaz / retard etc. (they are not my children and it's made perfectly clear I'm not to interfere with what they say etc)

If my step children call my child horrid names... what do I do? My gut feel (and this has only just come up as an issue tonight, so I may be reacting) would be: they are no longer welcome in my home and my DH can see them elsewhere.

This would be a massive blow to them, as their mother makes them do pretty much everything at our house, but she is equally responsible for their attitude (and is LOVING the fact that my son has SN)

So what would be the best recourse?

As I said, my gut feeling is: Say a word against my son, and you are not welcome in my home. But, as step kids... I'm sure they feel rather more entitled than to expect that.

Your partner is their parent and their behaviour is HIS responsibility in your home. It is not up to you to expect them to give up their home at yours but you should expect your partner to parent them appropriately and teach them proper manners and respect.

Your partner may have an uphill struggle with parenting them if their Mother is actively encouraging them to behave badly in your home, but ultimately their behaviour when in his home is down to him.

Like, so often in these cases, your issues lie with your partner NOT your step children or even their Mother.

I'm not questioning my partner being a parent.

I'm questioning them using MY home as a doss house. Their mother takes the CS money and then tells them to ask us for everything, from clothes, to parties, to phones, to... oh you name it.

I don't really see why I should continue when they cannot even be nice to my children (Who actually live here).

I am NOT (Under any circs) saying my DH can't see them, just that they cant berth round here, eat my kids food, mess my kids rooms up and call my kids nasty names.

If that makes me a shit, then so be it.

I think you have misunderstood what theredhen meant

Why is your DP allowing his children to behave like this in the home he shares with you and your children? Why isn't he disciplining them for their poor behaviour? How come there are no consequences from him for their treating your home like a doss house?

Your DP is allowing his children to treat you and your children with disrespect - why?

It seems that your house isnt your partners house? Is that right? If so then yes you have ever right to not have them there! If you share a house with your DP then it is their home and your partner's job to make sure they behave respectfully when they are there. If he isn't stepping in and stopping them from calling your children abusive names then i would question if the relationship will last the distance..?
If he is trying to, and they are uncontrollable then I don't really know what to advise

How horrid for your son.

I don't see how you can ban your DP's kids from his (your shared) home?

I understand why you are upset, however! I do agree with the others who say that your DP should not be permitting this to happen.

I would also say, though, that you do not have to tolerate it and wait for your DP to address it. It is not your home exclusively, if I understand correctly, but it is your home as well and you can certainly expect those under its roof to observe the rules of the home. Can you sit down with your DP and draw up the house rules for all the children when they are there - one of which ought to be about respect and no name-calling? You and your DP also need to agree on what is going to happen if the rule is broken. It is one thing for you to leave the enforcement to your DP, but you should be making the rules with 50/50 input. To reach agreement, sure, you both may have to compromise on certain things, but better to work those things out once and have a decided upon strategy, than clashing over them on each individual occasion, IYSWIM.

You need to clarify a few points:
Is it your house, did your DH move in with you, or do you both own it? If the latter then he has as much right to have his DC there as you do.

Does your DH condone his DC's language and behaviour or does he try to stop/correct it in any way? If he is letting them get away with it, then HE is the one you should be taking this up with. He must stop them from being bad to your DC. He's not doing them any favours allowing them to grow up to be so socially inept and unpleasant.

You do have a right for your DC to be safe in their own home as well though - and you and your DH will have to work out a way for this to happen. Your DC should not have to put up with abuse in their own home from their step-siblings.

You must discuss this properly and calmly with your DH though, not go in all guns blazing or he's quite likely to dig his heels in and ask why your DC are more important than his.

Why are you told not to interfere with what they say?
Regardless of whether you live with DP it is YOUR home too and you have a right to tell them not to speak that way to your DS.
I really think you should talk to your DP and make it clear that when they are around your DS (in your home) they will bloody well treat everyone in the house with a bit more respect.
If my DP told me not to interfere with what his DC do or say while in our house I would tell him to take his kids and bugger off .... permanently!
We live together but that is one thing I wouldn't put up with. We have our issues with his DC but he would never stop me telling them off if they were in the wrong.

NADM summed it up better than I had.

If this is your home and your DP has another home, then you have every right to not want his children in your home if you are finding their presence upsetting.

However, if it is also your DP's home too, then it makes things trickier and I stand by what I said that you have a right to be treated fairly and with respect in your own home but that doesn't mean you have a right to not allow your DSC a home with their father.

Your DP needs to parent his kids and teach them right from wrong, if he can't do that or chooses not to, then your problem is with him, not his ex or the kids.