SDS calling me names(swearing) to my kids, what would you do?

[Stepmumm]

SDS kicked off again as i'd told him off, was in his room with my kids and one of them told me he'd called me a 'c...'. Should i have addressed the situation with him there and then? I didn't as i felt he was looking for more of a confrontation and it would have led to more rage, but i'm not happy about it, even though he didn't say it to my face.

What would you have done?

His dad should not permit this behaviour.

Do you really want to put your kids through this?

your dh/dp needs to read him the riot act

I would defer to DP and say DSS, you know that language/behaviour is not acceptable in this house, go to your room until your dad can speak to you.

If he refused, or used further abuse, then there would be a consequence for the initial language AND for ignoring me - but DP would implement them.

Until your DP parents effectively, you don't have a hope in hell of influencing the situation

I would refer him to his father, and if he's really pissing you off, take your bio kids out for the day and leave ss and his dad behind.

My dp and i are at a loss what to do with him, he argues and argues for hours, though eventually he will apologise.

My dp has said his ds has hit him (dp is a big bloke, hasn't retaliated with ds as is concerned lies ds tells school) dp says sds will probably hit me and i should call the police. I shouldn't have to put up with this should i? Is this normal teenage behaviour? What can I do?

does he live with you full time? If not, I would stop visits for a while. If he does, maybe its time he went back to his mum for a bit. On the understanding that he is not welcome unless he behaves.

Hat - unfortunately its 24/7 with us, there is no other parent, so we get no let up :(

He can only 'argue' if your DP engages with him.

If your DSS isn't taught how to control himself, he will hit someone other than his Dad and get himself arrested - so the most severe of parenting is appropriate for this situation, IMO.

As a consequence for hitting his dad, I would remove every privilege he has - supervise his every move and ensure that he earns his privileges, through respect and positive choices. Yes, it's a pain in the butt for parents because you lose your own free time too, and probably have to negotiate at work etc - which is why so few parents go through with it - but it does work!
No socialising, leisure time, home comforts - his life should be hard so that he appreciates the benefits once he has earned them back.
Digging holes in the garden, cleaning windows, scrubbing floors - these are all activities that can replace time on the games console or nights out with friends - which he can earn back through clearly set standards of behaviour.

If he does assault you or even threaten you; a short, sharp shock from the local police may help - and you can ask them for support to deal with his behaviour.

Not - thanks for replying, i'm really struggling tonight to cope.

Problem is Sds refuses to do anything we ask, so we could remove privelidges but couldn't get him to do jobs :(

how old is he?

He's 12, so probably a lot of it is teenage hormones, but still, it seems excessive ....

So he lives with no privileges until he earns them back!

You can't force him to do things, but you can withhold privileges for as long as it takes.
Strip his room - leave a bed and his clothing only. If in one of his tempers he slams the door - take it off it's hinges until he can respect your home. No TV, no games, no phone - search his room daily - he isn't showing you any respect, so don't reward that by continuing to respect his privacy and personal space.

Escort him to and from school - supervise his homework, and if he refuses to do it, contact the school. I suggest that your DP goes into see the school anyway; they can provide counselling and support.

Don't give in after a couple of days - the new regime is 'the norm' and privileges are earned over time - and can he withdrawn again immediately if behaviour lapses.

I appreciate my approach is harsh, some may call it abusive - but it is proven - and your DSS is beginning to make choices that will affect his adult life. The boot camp approach now may save him from his own poor choices as he gets older.

stepmumm, I thought you were describing a much older boy. :( I have a 12 yo and they are stroppy, but they are controllable. It takes the will to do it and it must come from his dad, who it seems to me is backing down from confrontation and leaving a lot of it up to you. My DH does the same.

Ultimately, no-one wants to be seen as the bad guy in their childrens eyes, so they leave it up to the other parent to do the work so they can be the loved one. This is double the issue when the evil stepmother is the other parent. How much easier to let her do all the nagging so you can maintain your hero status.

So...your DH needs to step up and issue the punishment - and the expectation of good behaviour. And I agree with removal of priviledges, and id add on some extra chores as well.

My DS has to:

keep his room presentable
Set and clear the table and help his siblings clear the kitchen
Help in the garden

Bad reports from school or bullying his brother mean he is sent to his room. He has no TV/games console in there. He also has his phone removed. Each and every time.

We also impose a 24hour "screen ban" on all TV/Vid/Games/computer plus phone for bad behaviour. We also have the option of stopping pocket money, and use this if he deliberately breaks things, loses sports kit etc. This month he owes me £5 because he borrowed someone elses PE shorts and lost them on the same day. Now I have to do a trip into town to replace them.

He whinges about how unfair his life is and how everyone else does XYZ. I ignore it.

On the plus side, he gets to do his sport that he loves, he gets time to watch his favourite teen boy TV, play on the computer, eat and drink good food, go out with his mates to the cinema (care of mums taxi). His life is not one big drudge, but we have set very clear expectations about acceptable behaviour and we have set very clear sanctions should he choose to ignore those behavioural guidelines. And these are enforced each and every time.

We do not have a rosy Waltons life, but at least the behavioural standards are in place and clearly understood.

Hatti - he is sent to his room, but he refuses to go. If dh touches him he threatens to tell school/police his dads physically abusing him.

So a 12 year old is allowed to do what he wants because he threatens your dh with the police. You need to take back control.

Brighter - its easier said than done. How would you do it?

Dp is not a pushover, a big bloke. We have rules, we have consequences, but nothing is working. Sds gets in a rage, ends up with all priveledges removed, not accepting he'd done anything wrong, the rage goes on all eve and the next day, affecting the whole household.

When my ds started high school I had to go to a meeting there was a phscologist there , police, his primary school head in all about 10 people. He left last year with 3 a*, the rest a's and b's. I have no experience of step children but teenage boys I have the grey hair to prove it. Is the school supportive? Do not engage with him when he kicks off. It is a difficult time in his life his hormones will be all over. My son also had the added pressure of me and his dad splitting. Next time he threat the police hand him the phone and explain the consequences of wasting police time.

If his temper is extreme I would take him to docs and ask to be referred for counselling. I would also talk to the school about his behaviour issues at home. Do you know what his school behaviour is like?

I do agree with the removing privileges and keeping them removed for as long as it takes. Do you back down and give them back when it affecting the rest of the house?

His dad doesn't need to touch him. If he won't go to his room fine, he gets NOTHING.

Brighter- we have a meeting at the school soon which i hope will help. We try not to engage but he follows us around arguing. Should we just ignore the fact that he won't go to his room, remove his priveledges and ignore him?

Ignore him the arguing isn't doing any of you any good. He will get bored eventually and when he's calmed down try and speak to him. Do not blame yourselves though. I thought it was my fault but it isn't.

Thanks for posting brighter

It's ok,it will get better. My ds is 17 and we still have our moments. But I never gave up. I haven't got all the answers but pm me anytime

STepmumm, does your dss understand the consequences of a report to the police....does he understand that there will be a child protection report raised and SS will be involved. Maybe he will be put in care?

I think I would be tempted to speak to SS yourself for advice - obviously him holding this threat over your heads to get his own way is not OK. SS may actually be able to provide you with some advice. Likewise some police forces may have specialists who could talk to your son about the seriousness of making a complaint of this nature.

I almost think it would be worthwhile calling his bluff on this one. Once he knows how it will play out.

Stepmumm - I have had issues with one of my DSSs (11) hitting me and hitting DP as well, or trying to. When he loses his temper he lashes out. We have had to restrain him at times. Once he calms down, he understands his behaviour is wrong, and he is usually mortified, but he has a flash temper that flares very suddenly - he sees red.

My approach if I am here on my own with them is to stay calm (very very calm - which is difficult as it can be very upsetting and distressing) and repeat "DSS go to your room or somewhere else and calm down. Then we will speak about x and why you are feeling so angry". If he is attacking one of the other children, then I find it harder to stay calm... I take the view that it doesn't matter whether it is his room or a walk around the block, he just needs to remove himself from the situation. Telling him to go to his room can IME make it worse, while giving him the choice of where to go, so long as it is away from the situation, gets a better result.

If DP is here, then I defer to him always and he deals with it. I always tell DP if it has happened when I'm here by myself, and he ALWAYS backs me up.

There are ALWAYS consequences for this behaviour - whether it be no computer for the weekend, removal of pocket money, not being allowed to go out somewhere, or a combination of things. And there are always warnings when we can see it building. He is getting better at seeing the loss of temper coming, and taking himself out of a situation.

I think it's also worth asking why the temper though. A lot of DSS's arises out of frustration esp if he is not in control of a situation - we have had lots of talking about letting go of control, and not trying to control the actions of others (esp siblings....). And anger management techniques - asking for help, talking, squeezing a ball, banging a pillow etc. I tell him there is nothing wrong with feeling anger, and that anger has to be let out, but doing that by hitting other people will end in trouble (in a cell overnight if it's in the pub when he's older - we have told him that). The feeling of anger is ok, but the aggressive behaviour is NOT.