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SDS against marriage, would you go ahead?

22 replies

Stepmumm · 02/06/2012 11:30

I have kids, my partner has kids. We've not rushed into things, been together for 2 years and are due to get married in another 2 years. Most kids are happy and looking forward to us all being together. One is totally against it - very angry, physically towards us and the other kids and verbally, saying very hurtful and untrue things. Threatening to stop the wedding etc.

I imagine he is concerned as it will mean a house move to a different area/school for all of us. My kids are worried about this too but are handling it without major issue.

It is putting pressure on my partner, me and the rest of the family as we're in constant conflict with him.

There are no ex's around, so its not that he's hoping they will get back together.

What would you do, would you go ahead and still get married?

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 02/06/2012 11:32

If you arent getting married for another 2 years why are you even discussing and talking about it?

HecateTrivia · 02/06/2012 11:35

I'd use the 2 years to get to the bottom of what was causing this child to act this way.

Do you all spend time together in the same house? I'd be doing that, slowly getting used to sharing the same space.

Also, take some time to get some advice.

here

or here

or here

Expectantmum2b · 02/06/2012 12:12

Im wondering if the child is against the idea of marriage as it means moving area and schools and thats what shes really scared of?

How old is the child ? Have u always got on previous to the mention of marriage?

Stepmumm · 02/06/2012 12:52

rainbow - its 2 years 'cos that's when we've set a date giving us time to arrange everything. We thought it better to talk about it and give plenty of time to get used to it. We don't talk about it loads though, just occasionally.

Hecate - we have separate houses in separate areas but spend time together at weekends. This is more difficult for my children as they don't get much time at home with their friends/things around them, but they are coping okay.However its getting a balance for them too.

Expectant - The child is 12 so a difficult age but old enough to understand that its not happening overnight and why we're not rushing. I think that is the main objection although its not been verbalised. We got on for the 1st year, however, the problems towards me started before the mention of marriage.

OP posts:
Eliza22 · 02/06/2012 13:22

Well, this worries me, on your behalf.

I married 3 yrs ago. Had a 4 yr long distance relationship with dh before we decided we wanted to marry. His 3 kids seemed happy. So, we're talking a (now) 7 yr relationship and I was nothing to do with the end of his first marriage his wife having had an affair.

But, his youngest dd, now 18, took it all badly. Liked me as a girlfriend but was not pleased about wedding/moving in. They lived with their mum. I get on well with two of his (now grown up) kids but as I say, youngest dislikes me to the point where she will not see her dad. It's been over 10 months now. There is genuinely no reason....I treated all of his the same but, she's not any closer to accepting it and I fear a future of "this".

It could be, there IS no other reason for (is it a girl or boy?) this child being unhappy, beyond the fact that HE/SHE DOES NOT WANT IT TO HAPPEN.

Stepmumm · 02/06/2012 15:35

Eliza, its a boy. Really don't know what to do, i treat them all the same as hard as it is when he says such horrible things and is disrespectful. I love my partner, but wonder what kind of life we'll have, we have kids 24/7

OP posts:
Eliza22 · 02/06/2012 16:39

Your partner needs to get to the bottom of 'why?' with him.

Is it because of the house move/change of school/the fact that he's used to it just being his dad and them/your kids/you?? What IS the cause? You cannot begin to address/compromise/sort out the behaviour til you know what it's about.

This child (how old?) needs to know that verbal and physical abuse toward others will not be tolerated and it's not the way to resolve difficulties. Dad NEEDS to get firm. My dh has tolerated bad behaviour from his youngest because he's a good dad who loves and misses his kids, following the breakdown of his marriage because his wife had an affair. He's scared that if he comes down too hard, they won't see him. Of course, the first time dh was (reasonably) tough with his dd, because the circumstances demanded it, she stamped her fee, went away and is now punishing her dad and hurting him with her absence.

Get to the bottom of this before you marry. You MUST.

kilmuir · 02/06/2012 16:42

You can 't let one child stop you getting married. He will be rewarded for being obnoxious and abusive.

Eliza22 · 02/06/2012 16:49

Kilmuir....I'm with you there but, MY REALITY is that it can cause untold harm to a marriage and God forbid, we may have the next 25+ having to do stuff separately, as youngest won't attend anything I'm at. Dh says he will not tolerate this because I've done nothing "wrong" as such, other than exist.

But I object strongly to the position she has put us in and as much as I really enjoy his other two, youngest sd is like a black cloud above me.

Stepmumm · 02/06/2012 16:56

Eliza - My partner is very firm with him, he doesn't sit back and accept. His DS has said its different now that I'm around as I'm with his dad - however, his dad says its no different than it was before as he's always been busy with his other kids so no kids have had his devoted time iyswim. SDS has said he wants his dad to be on his own forever. But the black cloud, thats exactly how I feel :(

Kilmuir - I know what you mean, we want to marry so much, but know we will have troubled years ahead

OP posts:
Eliza22 · 02/06/2012 17:04

The "it's not the same now you're with her" is something I know well. My dh has always been there, 100% for his three. However sd has said that he's changed since he met me Confused. I think, what she means is, dad has someone additional in his life. It was so obvious that sd hated it if dh and I sat next to each other never mind held hands!

I tried to say that her dad hadn't changed, but the home situation HAD. Apparently, I have some sinister effect on him and have caused him to abandon his children. This is utterly untrue and thankfully, his other two kids find this as ridiculous as we do.

If you marry, don't assume it'll just get better. It may get worse. If you two can the ride that storm, go ahead! I wish you well Smile

NotaDisneyMum · 02/06/2012 18:54

My DSD refuses to accept me in her dads life, too - she has been estranged from him for 18 months, although in recent weeks she has agreed to some contact but I am the 'elephant in the room', unseen and not spoken of - despite the fact that she is visiting my home.

She too says that 'her dad has changed' and that it is my fault. DP has told her that he agrees with her - yes, he has changed and it is a consequence of being with me. He has explained that he was unhappy in the latter years of his marriage and when he was on his own, and now, he is happy - and I am responsible for that. Smile. He has asked her if she would prefer him to be unhappy, because that is the Dad she remembers and says that she wants back Sad

This is an issue that needs to be resolved - but I don't agree that your DSS can be expected to explain why he feels the way he does.
An approach I have read about before is to present a new partner to a DC as a 'non-negotiable' in the same way as going to school, for instance - and for your DP to explain that as a family, you will work together to help DSS accept it and enjoy being part of the family Smile.

All the while your DSS thinks that the marriage might be negotiable, he will put all his effort into trying to stop it happening, rather than coming to terms with it. If he doesn't accept that it is going to happen, then when it does, your family life will be very disrupted while he adapts to his new reality Sad

Eliza22 · 02/06/2012 19:00

I agree NADM to an extent.

I sensed that dh's youngest was deeply unhappy 6 months prior to our wedding and dh said " there is no earthly reason for her to dislike you, she will get used to it over time". She didn't.

We were always going to marry. It made no difference. She spent over two years ignoring me and sulking. Now, she's gone.

NotaDisneyMum · 02/06/2012 19:18

eliza - I think what I've learnt to accept is that just because DP and I can't think of any reason why DSD shouldn't like me doesn't make her feelings invalid or wrong.

The fact of the matter is that she doesn't like me; it doesn't matter why not - and she is as entitled to that opinion as I am to my feeling about her Dad; who I think is wonderful Grin

Her parents job (and mine, to an extent) is to help her develop coping strategies in order for her to maintain a relationship with her dad despite her feelings towards me. We can't change those feelings and make her like me - but we can expect a certain standard of behaviour and ensure she gets the support she needs to come to terms with how she feels.

Mico62 · 04/06/2012 10:16

I have the same problem as NADM, eldest SD visits occasionally and is a daddy's girl and can do no wrong if I speak to DH about her behaviour towards me (which is pathetic as she's a married woman), middle SD only sees DH on her birthday with her boyfriend, despite ignoring his a week earlier, and refuses to visit and youngest SS occasionally sees his dad and completely blanks me when he visits.

As much as I love DH I would not have sold my house and moved my kids (they did stay at their schools but had a long walk) and I certainly wouldn't have married him if I'd known how fraught the situation with his kids was going to be. If we do split up, and we've come close a few times, it will be because of his children.

chelen · 04/06/2012 10:37

Hi, I have no experience of this situation as my DSS was young when DP and I got together, but I would say my instinct says you can not let this child dictate whether you get married or not. That is not a good message to send out - turn your hog out and you can control what others do. His feelings about the marriage are valid, his behaviour towards other people is unacceptable.

Would family therapy be a possibility for your family, perhaps to get to the bottom of it?

Stepmumm · 04/06/2012 13:03

Chelen, i totally agree its not a good message, what concerns me is whether i can put my kids in the constant rage situation and myself, though i love my partner dearly

OP posts:
Stepmumm · 04/06/2012 13:18

He had another rage last night calling me names to my kids, ie your mums a 'c....' etc, my kids and the other kids disagreed with him but i hate putting my kids in that situation :(

OP posts:
Stepmumm · 07/06/2012 09:46

How so you get sds to respect you, ie, okay he doesn't like me, want me there, i can live with that. I can't live with being disrespected, ie name calling, aggressive behaviour, in my own home. I wouldn't accept that from my own kids so don't see why i should from him.

OP posts:
chelen · 07/06/2012 11:25

Hi, I think this sounds unsustainable.

You can't get him to respect you, but you & your partner must act in a way that states clearly, either you behave respectfully or you will receive sanctions.

Your children should not be in the situation of defending you because the adults - especially his dad - should be there first, laying down the law.

Can you write out, in order, what happened? Most important is did you & your partner hear him saying it, what did his his dad do about?

Stepmumm · 08/06/2012 09:24

Chelen, do you mean you want me to write here what happened?

I told him and his brother off at bathtime for what i believe is inappropriate behaviour. The younger sibling was fine with this, the elder problem one said i was lying (even though i'd seen it) and was very angry. They were all (partners kids and my kids) going to watch a film at bedtime so were all in one room, eldest calling me a liar and awful names. Myself and partner weren't in the room. One of my children came and told me what was being said. Partner did nothing to start with, but as if was continuing eventually went to talk to his ds and calmed him down. There were no consequences though. Personally i would have liked my kids in a different room and a consequence for the disrespect.

What do you think?

OP posts:
chelen · 08/06/2012 19:49

Hi, that helps me understand. I think you have a real problem here, because your partner did nothing. He basically witnessed his son behaving very disrespectfully, tried to ignore it and then went to calm him down - no sanction.

Is your partner quite weak on discipline with all the kids?

I hope someone else will come by who has more experience with teens but to be totally honest, I would be wary of marrying someone who allows their child to behave this way. Sorry, I know that's harsh, but you are being treated badly by this boy and his dad is allowing it to happen Sad.

If it were me, I'd be worried about the impact on your own kids of seeing this stuff happening.

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