when to meet DSC??

[tryingtobestonger]

I am not a step parent but newly seperated from my 'D'H who has moved in with OW after a 16 month affair. He has moved straight in with OW, after leaving me, about 3 weeks ago (into a 1 bed flat). He is keen for them to have 2 year old DD stay with them every other weekend and OW wants to meet me so she can reassure me she'll be ok with DD (WTF - isn't she worried I might slap her???!!!)

TBH I'm not even keen for OW to meet DD yet let alone have her stay over with them. I think it is far too soon and she needs to get used to Daddy not lving with us before this happens. He currently sees her one weekend from my house and the other weekend at his parents (a long train journey each time though).

I think he is being unreasonable expecting me to agree to this........any one experienced something similar?

Hard though it is, your DD needs to spend time with her Dad, and no matter how inappropriate you consider it to be, he can introduce your DD to his partner whenever he chooses to.

It might not be the right time for you to meet your ex's partner yet - I'm sure you want your DD to be comfortable when she's with her Dad, and if she picks up that you are uncomfortable about Dads girlfriend, then your DD will inevitably end up feeling conflicted and guilty.

There is no need for you to meet at all - it is your DDs dads responsibility to care for her when she's with him, and all you can do is trust that he will parent her well - even if it's not the way you would do it.

I'm worried though that if their relationship doesn't last (no-one thinks it will - even his parents) that DD will have to cope with too much.

I do think it is too soon for DD to be thrust into this situation. I'm not sure it's appropriate she will have to sleep in the same room as them and see Daddy in bed with someone else.

I know it will happen eventually but would rather be when their relationship is solid, more stable and long lasting.....

Dd need to see her dad. Far too soon. MUCH too soon to be doing the cosy "weekends with daddy's new partner".

Is he mad?

I agree it's too early and your ex is being selfish, however legally you can't stop him from introducing her to your dd. You could try reasoning with him if you think you could get through to him.

I am in a similar situation and will watch with interest, FWIW (and clearly it's only my opinion, coming from a very much WTF point of view of my own which means I'm definitely biased!) I don't really see any reason for OW to be included in things at this early stage - you're talking a matter of weeks if I read you rightly? Not even a month?? That's insane. Your XP has every right to a relationship with his new P but truly step parenting is something that evolves over time, and no-one sane would think that 3 weeks is long enough for OW to be considered a stable step parent yet.

As I have been advised myself, it's sensible to prepare yourself for the fact that she may well be involved in the near future, and NADM is right you can't stop that happening in the long run, but no, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask him to wait for the dust to settle a bit more. After all, his priority should be his own relationship with your DD and reassuring her - not trying to hurry her into a relationship with his new P, which may or may not last.

Way too early to meet dsc. I'd try to tell him that and that if u are strong enough meet her to tell her to her face u aren't happy with it but that u do want dd to see her dad. Horrid situation and I really feel for u. x

Yes Choco - it is less than a month since he moved in with OW. I acknowledge their relationship has been going on for a while but not in the real world with all the pressure of being a couple, especially when he has a child (and a STBXW - I'm never going to go away am I!) Also much as I don't want to admit it I know that they might last and she will become part of DD's life. I just am so worried the effect it may have on DD this early (especially if they don't last).

I have to say I am really encouraging STBXH to see as much of DD as possible hence the overnight stays at his parents rather than OW's flat. I just want him to realise that DD needs to come first and he actually needs to make an effort to make this work. I think he wants DD to go to OW's flat because it is easier for him. He refused to put DD to bed last week on one of his days to see her because he gets home too late to have dinner (9pm??? quite often this is the first chance I get to sit down to eat now I am a single mum!)

I really feel for you. It must be so hard to be in your situation. How old is your DD? I personally feel it is too soon. I insisted on waiting to meet my exes children. It was about 4 months and they were 12yrs old and up. They parents had been split up for years so they had gotton used to the split. Their mum had an affair and did the same as what ur ex has done (but moved him into the family home). It affected them more than I think anyone realised.
I def thing he should wait for an overnight stay as its so soon after your separation. But like the others have said its up to him who he introduces, so she could meet your DD during a normal contact.

Sorry this must be horrible for you. I hope things work out. x

Another one here in a similar situation. I'm so so sorry, it is really hurtful, and I guess I know some of what you are feeling.

I agree with your comments about their relationship not having been tested in the real world, outside of the 'affair bubble'.

It's all about the best interests of the kids, innit? (or should be) Sadly, people who have affairs like this are selfish through and through. They are also well practised at manipulating the truth to justify doing what they have done, are going to do, and getting what they want. So expect to be on the receiving end of some emotional or actual blackmail

Bloody phone...!
...(continued), putting a lot of pressure on you to agree.

Point them in the direction of the official advice, which is:

1. a period of adjustment to the break up of the parents (one source suggests 2 years minimum) before any new partners introduced. AND
2. new partners only to be introduced when the relationship is stable, settled, and likely to be long-lasting.

Unfortunately (as you have already discovered), you have no influence over the choices and actions of your selfish STBXH. So the best you can do is state clearly what you feel to be in your child's best interests, then prepare yourself to cope with whatever your tosser of an H throws at you.

I would not be wanting to meet the OW either. This is also part of the affair script, and where the blackmail comes in. He will tell you it's in the best interests of the kids for you to all behave like adults and get along together. He is trying to get you to rubber stamp and legitimise their relationship, and her role as future step parent. In his eyes, if you agree to meet, then she can't be so bad, and what he's done can't be so bad, and he can therefore feel less guilty. You will also be getting the requests for an "amicable" divorce and to "stay friends" for the sake of the kids. I have not yet got my head around how to handle this.

It's amazing how they can think of the kids when it comes to YOUR behaviour, but spent the last 16 months doing whatever the hell they liked with no thought whatsoever for anyone other than themselves.

sorry you're going through it too BlooMoon :( I second what you say about legitimising the relationship. I've recently been under a lot of pressure to meet and greet OW, to 'enter a dialogue' in the interests of 'being amicable' and getting along 'for the kids'. Seems there really is a script. I'm not sure what the answer is other than to try and stick to your guns where it really matters to you, and get lots of support (family, lawyer, counsellor, whatever you need) to help you through the stress. Eventually I'm sure everyone gets used to things being as they now are, but it's a bumpy road.

Be kind to yourself OP, it's been closer to 20 weeks for me and it's still an emotional rollercoaster. After 3-4 weeks I was still in shock to be honest, so I can imagine you're feeling v. confused most of all. Thinking of you.

Gosh BlooMoon you have really given me some food for thought as I'd not really thought about him wanting me to meet OW in that light before but I think you are soooo right!

I would be really interested to know your source for 2 years for DC to meet new partner so that I could show/talk this through with him.

Knotalot DD is only 2 so very little. I do wonder if he has already introduced them on one of his days out with DD. Her talking isn't good enough to be able to tell me though.

2 years is suggested in the handbook for separated parents, see thread in lone parents entitled AAARRRGGGHHH (sorry on phone so cannot link).

General feeling, amongst both lone and step parents is that this is a long time. But are we thinking of our own best interests, or the kids'?
I have been thinking about this and examining my own attitudes. Even as someone who currently thinks that the devil will be ice-skating to work before I feel comfortable about the kids meeting OW, I recognise that before two years is up, I might like to have child-free nights for a bit of a break or to pursue a new relationship, or whatever. But I cannot have that regularly until the kids do regular overnights with H and OW. So them meeting up sooner than 2 years may well meet MY needs, and will certainly meet H's needs. But then we are just considering and prioritising ourselves, and not putting the kids first.

The book makes a lot of sense elsewhere, which is why I am doubtful about instantly dismissing the 2-year advice. However, it is written from a slightly Utopian point of view, where both parents are equally co-operative. In the real world, I would be concerned that my H would just not bother to see the kids as much if he didn't get his way about seeing them WITH OW, and so I'd need to take that possibility into account, as that would be even worse for the kids.

I do have the gut feeling that the 2 year thing makes a lot of sense, especially for affair-related break-ups though. Most relationships fail. And they are most likely to fail at the point when the initial infatuation wears thin, which I believe is roughly 18 months in for many. Relationships built on affairs are more likely to fail than most as there are in-built trust issues from the start. So I can see the sense in insulating the kids from a relationship that has a high chance of failure.

Found the Amazon link thanks BlooMoon.

Have seen ex today and luckily no mention of me meeting OW but he has said they have been talking alot about her meeting DD. They do not see why I should have an issue with this and have suggested a 'gradual' introduction where by they take DD out for the day with the OW's nephew who is a similar age to DD.

He really stuck the knife in and said they are very much in love and commited to making their relationship work - funny only 2 months ago he loved me and couldn't see a future without me.......

Thank fully no mention of overnight visits yet (he is aware there is an issue flat is only 1 Better I agree and can make suggestions best way of handling it than them going ahead and doing it anyway behind my back.

Am so upset though - it was horrible to hear how in love they are and how they think they can make things work. Am still in denial he has done this to me and my beautiful girl :(

(((hugs)))

I know it's a different issue, but you might get a lot out of reading the threads going on in Relationships at the moment discussing the 'affair script'. I've found it helpful to hear from other people how they've been fed the same lines about 'so in love, blah blah' and the other horrible things you get from your ex at this point in time. It doesn't make it stop but you may feel less alone/hurt by his insensitive prattle if you can talk about it? thinking of you