what boundries do you have re EX and contact?

[Ticktock1]

Hi,

My DP and I have been chatting about boundries regarding his EX and I wondered what your exprience wasm

Not about how much time he spends with DSD but how and when is approprate for him and his EX to contact each other about arrangemnets ect.

We currently have none and she emails, calls and texts all of the time from first thing in the morning to the early hours, we are finding this intursive but I am not sure what is 'normal'.

DSD is 3.5 yrs old and they have been split around 2 years.

Many thanks

Contact is minimal and business like. Ex takes her time and lets us know last minute when we can/cant have DSD. I would ignore texts and respond at times that suit you not her.

Not enough.

Which doesn't help you much

Luckily we don't get texts or phone calls (ex keeps all but "our" contact numbers a secret from us) but we send e-mails regarding contact and she can literally take weeks to reply. She uses it as a form of control by limiting contact we have whilst knowing she will get an instant reply from DP if she contacts him.

I'm not a step parent but I am a single parent.

All negotiation regarding planning of contact with my ex is done via email, usually with a turn-around time of a day or two. Short-notice confirmation of arrangements or last minute changes are more usually done via text message.

As much as possible I stick to the agreed contact schedule but it needs adjusting for school holidays, parties etc. On average I'd say I exchange one, maybe two emails/texts with my ex during any given week.

Occasionally we'll speak briefly on the phone before I hand it over to the DCs but I never commit to anything verbally as I have found that affords too much opportunity for, ahem, "creative misunderstandings". If it's not in writing it's not going to happen.

As a general rule, I try to keep my interaction with my ex to a minimum. It works better this way.

Wow, thank you so much for your replys, its hughly helpful.

My DP is currently get 8 to 10 texts a day plus emails and calls if he does not reply to texts soon enough.

This seems far to much and really intrudes on our time together and his time with his DD but we didn't want to be cruel to his EX by stateing it needs to be cut down.

Once again thank you

Unless there was a genuine need for an immediate reply, I'd probably just send back one "Thanks for your text, I'll deal with it later" text per day and ignore the rest.

In the early days my DP would get a few txts a day but now she has a steady bf it's all email and probably one a week if that. We email holiday arrangements in advance so she cant change her mind last minute and it works well now. TBH I would be really fed up with the amount u get but it's ur DP that needs to say 'stop' so that u can get on with ur lives. :(

I would try to email her so that she has to stop the texting and then slow down the emails from there. When she realises her txts or emails will take a long time to respond she will get board! When she calls he should just limit it to one call a day and tell her this is what he is doing. So that she knows what ur DP is wiling to do. Without clear rules she will take the piss IMO. Be strong it's not the easiest situation but if u stick to ur guns she will have to accept it. :)

Sorry, I think this thread came at a bad time. We found out on Weds that ex had flown to Turkey on Monday leaving DSD with Grandma........

We are allowed to know the bare basics. It was only because she was blue-light transferred between three hospitals we found out ex was even on holiday :(

I would definitely only reply to those that mattered and only in your own, reasonable time. She'll get bored eventually xxx

ANITABLAKE- Oh goodness, I do hope DSD is doing ok? How awful!

OP- We have had to stop all direct contact from DP's ex. Nearly every call resulted in her screaming and swearing, she insisted that on he answered the phone to her, her texts would come at unreasonable times and she would be vile and insulting one day ten text for favours the next. Maybe oneday it can be tried again but not for now. Communication is done via a book that is passed with the children at each handover or through solicitors now.

AnitaBlake I am so sorry. I hope everything is ok.

I think DP's EX is lonely that why she does it, it is rearly rude just massively intruesive. Makes me feel like there is an extra person in our relationship.

Thank you for your ideas, let's hope soon work

I'd suggest get a separate email address, stick to email, do not answer calls. I am lucky I suppose that my DP is a crap communicator, he takes three days to reply to texts from people he likes, his ex was never gonna get a fast response from him

DP told his EX this morning that he wants to cut texts down to important messages only and got called 'an ungreatful prick' in return so not sure how its going to pan out!

I do feel sorry for her and I understand that she wants to share everything but they are not together anymore and she just will not move on. She clearly wants to be there all of the time hence sending texts when DP and DSD are out togther. Not sure she understands that co parentimg means that some things can be decided independtly (what they have for lunch, where they go on DP weekends etc) and that every single little thing does not need to be approved by her.

Sorry. Today it has wound me up a little!

Thank you all, yes she's well on the way to recovery, and perversely, because ex was 'stranded for five nights' and 'unable to get home at all despite being on standby' it meant that DH was able to see her everyday! Which I know DSD enjoyed. I was even allowed into hospital to see her.

GOK when we'll be allowed staying contact again now. We're usually allowed one extra night per holiday if we are lucky :(

It all sounds very familiar, ticktock! DP's ex is a nightmare regularly, but DP has never taken steps to control the situation so it will just continue as is... You have my sympathy.