BF doesn't want to do the step parenting thing again

[namechangenecessary]

Hi
Hoping for a bit of input but feeling fragile so please try to be gentle.

Back story is that BF and I have been on and off the past month. We don't live together and I'm not sure if that's even what I want though would like to live nearer him so that can be more spontaneous about seeing each other - or that can be more equal about where we spend our time - atm tends to be round mine as place is bigger and easier because of kids' school etc.

He loves me, is fond of my children and enjoys spending time with them but is pretty sure he doesn't want to be a 'stepfather' again (was married - well, still is but separated more than two years ago and regrets not making more of an effort to see his DSD and DSS since the break-up - though his stbx has not made it easy).

I've said that he is a bit late to say that as we've been together 18 months and already has a relationship with the kids even if it doesn't have a formal name.

I don't want to marry again and nor does he ... and as I've said upthread I'm not even sure I want to live with anyone again.

In so many ways, he is my Mr Right - icky though that sounds. We get on, don't argue, have same sort of SOH, enjoy each other's company etc but can it work given his feelings ... Is it ok to have someone just for me or should I be looking for someone who wants more ... or just accept being on my own?

I think if you're just seeing each other it is ok that he doesn't want to be a "step father" - you can have a relationship outside of your children. I think, based on his feelings, it would be wrong to live together though or get more involved. It could be hurtful to you children to pick up vibes that he doesn't want to get closer to them for example if he was living with you. But as I said, if you don't live together they are clear of his role in their lives. Other SP's may disagree of course!

Thanks for that - should also make it clear that I've never asked him to be a step dad - so think it's just something he has obviously been worrying about.

I think it is good that he is being so honest now.

If he is fond of your children and enjoys spending time with them then isn't that enough? Do they get on well with their own Dad? My own dc don't really see DP as a stepdad. They like him a lot but they are quite clear in their own minds that they have a dad who they love and see regularly and DP is just Mum's partner to them.
I prefer it that way tbh. As far as I am concerned they are my dc and my (and my ex's) responsibility and their upbringing is my job.
I just wish DP would feel the same about his own dc, but he seems to think I should be their full on step mum when they are here which I struggle with.

I love him and am happy to take it a day at a time and see what happens to be honest. Am thankfully too old for more kids and wouldn't want anymore anyway but more worried about the effect on my kids if they realise he doesn't want more.

They don't see their own dad though do speak to him on the phone sporadically. They are fond of my bf and my dd used to ask (when we started seeing each other) if we were going to get married and if so, would he be her stepdad, but hasn't asked lately - even before the current split up.

He seems to feel it's a real problem though - I've suggested we go away for a couple of days and try to talk things through. I feel he's already got a relationship with them and whether he's their stepdad or not, walking away has hurt them ...

Seems like it is entirely his problem then and he needs to really think about what he wants.

Being on and off is more unsettling for the dc than a complete break up imo. He needs to make a decision and stick to it. You aren't making any demands on him so I don't really understand why he is finding it so hard tbh.

think he feels guilty at not wanting to be more to them if that makes sense ... and is worried he will hurt me in teh long term because of not wanting to live together - though, as I said, I'm not sure if that's what I want anyway ... and not something I would even start to think about till the kids change school and they're only in y3 ...