Am I being unreasonable?

[needstepmumperspective]

Regular poster but have name changed because of sensitive situation.

Have spent all this week comforting DP who is being refused access to his 2 youngest kids by his ex. She is falsely claiming abuse. She has tried to get police, social services etc involved (it seems they're not interested).

He is doing the legal bit and things are in progress but obviously these things take time especially with a long weekend in between. So far he has missed out on 1 nights contact.

So DP can't cope with not being able to see his kids this weekend and is getting very impatient because in a week contact has not been re-introduced. He does have the opportunity to see one of the children this weekend for a couple of hours at an event but not the other one (who is saying he doesn't want to see his Dad anyway and contact has been sporadic for sometime). This of course, is not enough for my DP so has gone begging to his ex wifes sister for support whilst I have been at work. To be fair, she has always been a really good mediator between the two and seems to take the childrens side rather than that of either my DP or her sister.

DP's family have a big bbq this weekend on Sunday with about 40 people and DP obviously wants all his kids there. They have decided between themselves that the sister will ask the ex if she can bring the kids and come to the party with them and stay and take them back to Mum afterwards. We haven't heard if this is confirmed yet.

To be honest, I am pretty peeved about this.

1. I think it re-inforces what the ex is saying to the kids about DP not being fit to be alone with the kids without one of their Mums family to "supervise".
2. I think it has completely disregarded my feelings (yet again) and I really don't want to go to a party with all DP family and his ex family reminiscing about the past. (he was with ex for 20 years whereas I have been with him for 4 years) while I sit there feeling like big brother is watching my every move and reporting back to ex and feeling like a bit of a gooseberry.

So am I being unreasonable? A bit of me says it will be nice for the kids to come along rather than miss out, but I feel very uncomfortable with the whole situation.

Yes YABU.

If having his kids there means their Aunt will be there too you'll just have to accept it.

His ex's family will probably always be in your lives, if he has kids with her, that's just the way it is.

You need to work on your own insecurities, why would they all just reminisce about the past? Why would you sit there feeling like big brother is watching? Just go and enjoy yourself.

I think your DP should just try and leave things for now (I know that is REALLY hard!!) and go to the party this weekend with you.

The kids will miss out of course, and your DP will clearly miss his kids, but things will no doubt (I hope) blow over and if his ex is like most, she will soon tire of playing this game and soon be gasping for some time without them and be wanting contact to be re-established. Sounds like you have some other more fundamental issues to deal with though about the ex and past... I hope you can get that sorted too. Good luck - it must be a very tough situation to be in. Begging (even though not directly to ex), from the experience my DH has been through, does horribly backfire. Ex will love it and the power it brings her and will actually most likely make things worse.

If they've already struck a deal I think you're going to cause yourself a big argument if you now try and prevent it happening. Your DP is no doubt stressed already - but thinks he has found a way to fix things for the BBQ - and will see it as you failing to support him - rightly or wrongly. I don't really see that having them there with their aunt really reinforces that they can't see their dad unattended any more than having them stay with their mum when they would normally come to you - and it will at least give your DP a chance to talk to them.

Can you talk to him about the way you feel about being out of place whilst he remonisses with people from the past? No reason that he shouldn't make an effort not to do this.

I would just go and enjoy it-when you get a partner you get his family. Have you tried seeing his parents without him there-have you made your own relationship?

I'm probably being a bit overly sensitive based on other experiences. I just feel that ex wife throws a few crumbs and my DP just scrabbles around on the floor picking up the crumbs. There are wider issues than just this but I suppose this just feels like a step too far today. I also feel I am OK for a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, help with correspondence, the police, social services, solicitors etc and all sorts of other support with no regard for even the anniversary of a death of a close member of my family for example, but when any actual decisions are made, I'm not part of them.

I am happy he can see his kids and I do take the point that being with Mum will reinforce the no contact with Dad point just as much. Although the ex will love to tell the children how SHE made sure they didn't miss out on the fun with DP family.

I do believe ex will tire of playing the game and has mentioned loads of times how she likes the kids coming to us because she needs a break. I also think if he goes down the legal route he will win and it will probably be in mediation before court anyway. I've always been quite anti court, but I am starting to think it might be something we need to do as I'm so sick of this keep happening.

Am I really wrong to suggest that he should miss out on seeing his kids for a few hours to actually make things better in the long run for our family unit? I haven't actually said that to DP, just expressed my feelings of frustration. To show to the kids and to the ex that we have rights to have the children and do whatever we see fit with them in that time (as long as they are safe obviously) rather than waiting for her "decision" on when we can see them. We also have another family do next week and DP has already suggested that another member of ex's family come along to that too.

Naturally the sister will go back to ex and report back how the kids behaved with us, how we behaved with them etc. so yes, I will feel that big brother is watching us.

My relationship with DP family is OK, but because DP is always at home (works from home) it would be very strange for me to see them without DP being there. Indeed on the few occassions I have initiated seeing them without DP I haven't felt they have been overly comfortable with it. So, I don't feel particularly close to them and yes, I do feel insecure that these people have twenty years of history with each other and have the children in common whereas I don't.

I have spoken to DP and he knows I'm not happy but he feels he's in an impossible situation. I won't try and change anything now (apparently sister is definitely coming now) and I will go with a positive mind and attitude and a big smile on my face for everyone else's sake. I hope DP will understand my feelings and do his best to try to ensure I feel as comfortable as possible.