Long story but basically I have 2 boys (7&9), my DP has a boy and a girl (10&8) we have also had a baby girl (14 weeks old). We both battle in vain to ensure that the children are treated as equally as possible even though mine are with me 4 days a week and his are with us 3 days a week (as equal as we can get it).
Now when I got pregnant we both decided that we wanted to include all if the children so that they felt it was their baby and not just mine and my partners- we did research and it is partly my career to understand children's thinking (without identifying myself too much) and did various things to include them all. We were also very ready for any jealousy that was goin to occur and thought that it might be two of the boys who might be vulnerable to this. My step daughter seemed very happy and even ecstatic when we goofing out we were having a little girl. We asked her if she wanted to share her room And involved her in the design and colours etc. she was delighted to e sharing. (baby is yet to go into own room). Anyway, all was well until about 5 weeks ago. I noticed my partner repeatedly asking er if she was ok. She kept saying yes and giggling (she is a lovely happy go lucky little girl). He also started to say things like "we really telly miss you you know when you aren't here" and telling them that they can come here anytime. They both know that we always ask mum for extra nights- some she is ok with others she isnt and some the children choose to stay with her when given a choice (this is rare though- mother is a selfish nightmare but that is another story). My DP keeps going on at her to come and stay with us when her mum and her brother were away for five days and she would giggle and avoid saying "no". It turned out that she wanted to stay with her grandma- which is fine but my DP was a bit cross and I think felt rejected (not sure which mostly though). She still came to us on her regular nights that week and seemed happy enough- I did some drawing with her as I usually do and gave her lots of praise for helping out also as per usual.
My DP kept on and in at her bout why he did t want to come and stay here until I told him to leave it- I spoke with her and told her she must do what she wants to do- we are here for her an her brother whatever and whenever. My DP understood what I was saying. After this however she started todo little things like the same giggle after everything she says or say the same answer to every question (ok) even though she sometimes clearly didn't think it was ok.
She is very tiny for her age and I think mum treats her like a baby- her friends sometimes pick in her as she plays with reception children at school (she is 8.5 years). She goes to quite a rough school- she watches toddler programmes and is generally very you g for her age. I have tried to encourage her to toughen up by explaining to her what she needs to say to those who pick on her and tried to sit and watch more age appropriate programmes with her without making a big deal about it ( casually as possible). She is a lovely girl with a heart of gold and I would never want to upset her. I spoke to her dad about helping her to grow up and he agreed that it would be good to guide her that way.
Anyway, I know she feigns illnesses for her mum and to be honest has had a rough time lately , I do feel she is run down and craves attention from her mum- saying that she would like her mum to draw and paint with her like I do. ( when I have the time- I will say at this point she gets a lot more attention than the boys put together but this is no problem because they are off playing together)
The last few weeks my partner has really gone to town with the emotional guilt tripping- I know he doesn't see this as what he is doing but I really feel he is making her feel really in the middle of everything as he and her Mum do not get on (I am the one who sorts everything out because they row all of the time). He also goes way over the top of she is "Ill" and wants to constantly medicate her or give her plasters- I think he wants to give her attention and this is how he does it- she seems to love this and it is now getting ridiculous- with her making a huge deal about a scab on her back the size of a bread crumb or rubbing her nose til it bleeds or pretending to cough or sneeze or keep sniffing. I know all kids do this but I ignore it with mine unless it's genuine ofcourse- the other reason this is ignored is because I am positive that her mother is Munchausen and by proxy too with her kids (ridiculous stories of going to hosp and docs when there was no need- I was even ordered to take her once over the most tiny thing which I was embarrassed about).
I think he does it because he knows she loves the attention and wants to make her happy- I am concerned that he is emotionally stressing her out and/or the arrival of the baby has affected her. When I talk to him about it he says she's my little girl which ofcourse I understand but I can see her decline and desperately want her to return to her bubbly self without the nervous habits- she is so gorgeous I am worried about her.
Tonight he kept telling her she was doing good eating and not saying anything to the boys, he has gone on md on at her about wearing lip balms her lips are sore where she keeps sucking them and told her in front of the others that the baby will love her the most because she is a girl (this is also carp in my eyes as I wod never say to mine that she wi love them the most for any reason- because it would be so shit for his children to hear- all of the boys also adore the baby and constantly want to hold her and feed her)
I told him tonight after they went to bed that he is not helping her and that I'm worried about her. He basically ripped off my head and told me that I am not a prefect parent either (I am always asking for his advice). I am now upstairs.
What do you think I can do? I want everyone to be ok