Just received letters for DSD (10) and DSS (12) from their mum. They're at school so I opened them to check what they say (standard practice here as letters have needed censoring in the past) and God, I am so glad I did!
Back story - The kids were taken off her 5 years ago by social services and the courts in Ireland because she was neglecting them, and physically and mentally abusing them. She hasn't visited them since June 2010; since then she has arranged numerous visits which she then hasn't turned up to. To facilitate her access (she lives abroad), we travel to meet her at the ferry port; a couple of hours' journey each way for us. DH has family nearby who we stay with but she doesn't bother to let us know she isn't coming until the minute she's supposed to be disembarking - approx 12 hours after she's already decided not to get on the coach to get to the ferry!
She hasn't phoned the kids since last August, and has sent them cards saying 'I miss you, I love you, make your dad bring you over to see me soon' maybe 3 times since then. The call in August was to wish DSS a Happy 11th Birthday (he was turning 12) and she missed DSD's 10th birthday in Dec completely. DSS received a Christmas card and £10 but DSD got nothing.
We received an email from her solicitor last week saying that as she's been to see the kids regularly (!), maintains good contact with them (!) and has already made plans with us to come and see them several times later this year (?!) it is high time that we take them to see her. We replied - fairly strongly worded - saying that this is not going to happen; she needs to pull her finger out and recreate and then maintain a proper, stable relationship with them before we would even consider undertaking a costly and tiring trip with 2 kids + newborn baby (due in 1 week); and by the way there's a little thing called 'maintenance' which would help us cover the cost of petrol, sustenance, ferry tickets, accommodation etc, if she'd like to consider paying it.
The letters we've just received seem to basically want to guilt trip the kids into making contact with her. They're full of lines like 'please just let mammy know you care' 'I need to know you still love me' 'I only cancelled the last trips because I was poorly' 'don't stop caring for me' 'write to me if you can find the time' 'it's your father's fault we're apart, not mine' 'he should be bringing you over to see me' 'let me know you're not upset with me' 'let me know you care about me because you know your mother cares about you. Nothing about their lives or interests; nothing even about her life or what she's up to.
She's like a f*cking needy child!
She's a lazy bitch who can't be bothered to get off her arse and visit, call or even write to them properly. She knows nothing about their lives - and doesn't bother to ask; yet expects us to rush over with them whenever she clicks her fingers to ease her guilt about how she treated them. I am SO angry at her, only just resisting the urge to email her solicitor and rant at him about it! It's one thing to harass us about visits etc all the time, but trying to guilt-trip 2 kids like this has really really pissed me off.
The big question is... (and thank you for reading this far) do we give the kids the letters or just pretend we never received them? They've enough to cope with at the moment with a new baby on the way (especially as baby has a congential heart defect, needing open heart surgery soon after birth and will be in hospital for 3-4 weeks) BUT we've always prided ourselves on being open and honest with them and knowing that, if they ask questions about her when they are older, we'll have nothing to hide.
Answers on a postcard please...