Stepdad/ dad to daughters

[Ronniesoak]

Hi. I have recently moved in with my partner and her two daughters (aged 6 and 11) . I have always been a hands-on parent to my own two daughters, from birth onwards (nappies, baths, stories, games etc etc) until they grew out of needing a parent to do stuff for them. I am finding it hard to adjust to stepping back from doing some tasks for the youngest step that I did for my kids at that age (6) for instance, running the shower, helping wash hair etc, I really have to force myself to take a step back and let my partner do it, esp when she has had a hard day and the kids are playing up. Any other stepdads out there experiencing the same issues?

Not a stepdad, but my DP has been in my DD's live since she was 6. Would suggest that you do need to step back from anything involving bathing, and physical care (which she'll too soon be growing out of anyway) and possibly discipline, but it's quite OK to be hands on on other aspects - I enjoy it a great deal if I'm getting on with something like cooking dinner after work and there's someone else for either of my DCs to chat to or play a game with to keep them occupied.

I've also known my DP's DCs for two years now but only recently started getting involved in very much of their care - but even the 9 year old shooes me from the room to have privacy to get into is pyjamas!

would agree re bathing, but partner and I do discuss the discipline side and are singing off the same page. Just trying to be the same parent as I am with mine, and finding it tough to step back, it's not in my nature, and never has been, to sit back and let partner do everything.

I think your hands on approach is a credit to you. However, it's not appropriate in terms of bathing, hair washing etc. especially the eldest....she's 11, not a toddler!!

Step back. Be hands on in other ways by all means....but NOT their personal (intimate) care.

mmm, as I said, personal care like that yes, innappropiate with the steps (though it would be different if it was boys ) . And I was talking more of the 6 year old, as I said, it was stuff I did for my own until they grew out of it, I just do find it hard to step back - on automatic pilot with it.

I think that if my DH wanted to help bath my 6 year old I would find that very helpful and very sweet. I wouldn't find it the case that he should do everything like a normal dad but not personal care, six year old bodies ar elike babies really aren't they? But the 11 year old of course not, I'd find it word if a biological mother was bathing her 11 year old. But I don't think OP is doing that.

If everyone is comfortable OP, then keep doing what works for your family.

i am envious of your partner

Actually, my dh, who's step dad to my son, has known him since he was 5. I would have felt uneasy if he'd done the bath thing and ds's dad, my ex, would have been perturbed.

Sorry, don't mean to make you sound like "that" but, you simply must not cross this boundary line. She's a little girl. Not your little girl.

I'm fairly shocked by these responses. I've bathed all manor of children, friends, family etc kids I'm far less close to than my partner is to my daughter. My dd (6) is bathed by her step mum, is that weird??

OP, would you have been fine with perhaps, and this is hypothetical of course, your ex's new chap bathing your daughters?

I guess, it's a reflection of the times we live in. And I have to say again, you sound like a good step parent but, I know, I wouldn't like it. When my son was small, say 4 or 5 if we went to friends, all the kids would hop in the bath together, usually supervised by us mums. That was ok. Had her husband taken ds up for his bath, I'd not have deemed it appropriate.

Bond in other ways, not personal hygiene.

Ok, but why then is it appropriate for mums to supervise boys in the bath (in general terms) but not the other way around?

As I have known the ex's new partner since my youngest was 2, (yup, was my best freind) and he has known youngest since that age, then I wouldn't have an issue with it myself, but I do accept the points made.
My OP was me expressing that I am finding it hard now I have relaxed a bit more not doing what I did for my own, feeling less of a Parent as it were... yes, nonsense I know, but still.

Ronnie, I know it's judgemental for me to feel this way. And others don't so....it could be me! It's just that from my own viewpoint, I'd feel more comfortable with your input in other areas.

It must be hard for you, especially as you say, when your partner is tired out from work. Running the bath/shower and then allowing privacy for the little girl to sort herself out is ok. My dh did this for my son. Being in the bathroom, when the child is washing herself ..... Just no, for me, at least.

Wrongly, women are considered "safe" around children which of course, is utter rubbish. You do sound lovely, though.

This thread is sad and unfair.

But also, I can see why you do need to take a step back from personal care of opposite gendered step children. I wash my six year old sds hair, but wouldn't go into the bathroom when dss was six if he was nekkid.

It's bloody awful that people feel that men should avoid children though.

I agree. What a world, eh?

Mmm, It does open the wider issue of why men are viewed with suspicion on these matters more than women, which is a whole other discussion.

I disagree. I still help my 7 yr old son out in the bath and if I had a 7 yr old daughter and a committed partner who had been helping me to bring them up in my home, I wouldn't have any problems with them helping to bathe them either. Because I would trust them and not assume they have sinister motives in bathing a child. Because if I had any suspicions or worries about that, I wouldn't be in a relationship with them! It comes down to the child and what they are comfortable with too. Stop helping them wash when they want their privacy (encourage them to take responsibility for themselves at the same time).

It's not about sinister motives in the bath really, it's sadly about protecting yourself from accusation.

That is how I would appreciate a step-parent may feel but my reply was more with Eliza's comments in mind that a step-father bathing a step-daughter is somehow inappropriate.

Having worked in child care I completely get why people are on edge with bathing!
If all parties are ok with it in theory then there is no issue.
There are ways to safeguard yourself like leaving doors wide open, getting them to wash intimate parts independently and talking about it openly.
I often wash my 3yr old step son but he does his bits. Ridiculous as it seems perfectly acceptable for me to wipe his bum!
DP is rightly fully trusting, I make the point for when dsc's go home telling stories. So far we've had all kinds of false reports go home to mum, even blatant lies like the dog has mauled them...without leaving a mark?(I'll also add here that even though we trust our dog completely, the kids are NEVER left alone with him.) Kids make stuff up sometimes for effect without realising the consequences that will follow.
Sad state of affairs that a devoted step dad has to withdraw from certain aspects of care to protect themselves really but it's the society we have created.