Do your DP's behave different wen his kids are around?

[mattysmum09]

Mine has two teenage kids and is on edge constantly checking his DD is alright I'm not sure if its just when I am there. Almost like he has to make up for my presence? The DD is quite clingy and has marked her territory so to speak since i have been on the scene, but to be honest I have found the behaviour so strange I have generally avoided seein DP wen he is with them. Its not really their fault they have been spoilt and doted on so much they were bound to turn out this way but i just wondered if other people's DP's were like this or is just mine?

Not just you - this is a warning sign of what is commonly known as DisneyDad Syndrome

Dads who don't discipline and spoil their DC's in an effort to "make up" for the "divorce" or "not seeing them" or "their new girlfriend" or whatever it happens to be - often coupled with a paralysing fear that if their DC's are not constantly happy and entertained while they are with him, they will decide not to visit him. The universe revolves around these DC's, their rudeness and bad manners are tolerated, the DC's are encouraged to feel entitled to more and more of their Dads time, money and resources and the impact on anyone else in the family is totally disregarded.

It is definitely a red flag and I suggest you read some of the other threads on this board to see the damage and distress that disneydad parenting causes stepmums .

Goodness I still find the behaviour strainge after 9 years of it.

My DH parents my DSSs completely different to how he parents our joint DS. We agree 100% on how we want to parent DS, so I know our parenting aspirations are the same in theory. We are both very loving parents but strict and expect good behaviour and manners.

BUT DSSs (now teenagers) have always always been parented differently. I know DH finds it hard because he has a completely different parenting style to his ex. As a result of this and all the usual disneydad stuff and not wanting to be bad cop all the time, he never ever tells them off in the same way he does DS, despite DS being 10 years younger.

In fact it drives me mad the way DSSs are parented, and grand-parented, full stop. They are treated like little kids who must be wrapped in cotton wool at all times. As a result, DSS1 (16) is a man-child who, with his deep voice and height, is effectively a 6 year old trapped in someone elses body. Very very frustrating to watch. I can't actually blame DH though tbh. I think the whole system sets these situations, and individuals, up for failure.

Absolutely he does!! I lose all respect for him when he is around his kids.
He either turns childlike himself or he hovers around DSD checking she's ok - because she MUST be happy at all times or she goes off into a rage it I e of imaginary ailments!

That last sentence should be that she goes into a rage or invents an imaginary illness to get the attention back on to her!

I really feel for you. This has caused huge problems in my relationship. DH is the Disney of all dads, and dsc are constantly trying to test his loyalty to them over me and my dc. For example we agree a family outing when at the last minute dss will both say they've changed their minds.. and i wait for DH to say "Well actually i'm a bit tired.." which of course he does and the trip is cancelled. I have made my feelings known to dh because i have so much resentment concerning the difference in the way he reacts to his dc and mine. (We have none together). He doesn't even realise he does it.

Thats so true witch! mine doesn't know he's doing it, and Kaluki I have even felt that same ebbing away of respect for him every time one of them tells him to fetch something for them and he does it!! He was genuinely surpised when i told him recently they are spoilt brats, ok i was maybe in the wrong for saying it but it was in an argument and a few things led up to it. They are just so used to the behaviour they don't see it do they? Has anyone succesfully managed this behaviour? We have recently moved in together and luckily don't have to do access visits as children are older (i could not have put up with whole weekends of it anyway without topping myself) but is there any way he can learn to parent them normally after spoiling them for a good ten years?? Suggestions from me seem to be taken as critiscism as they often come out in arguments!

Has anyone succesfully managed this behaviour?

My DP was a DisneyDad - but I realised it early on, and I made it clear that our relationship would remain casual until he changed his approach! I wouldn't consider moving in with him, for instance, while he was raising entitled brats

There were a few very blatant incidents - an afternoon out that consisted of crazy golf, followed by bowling, followed by donuts - that allowed me to point out how indulgent he was being, and he did listen. In DP's case, the turning point was securing a CO which reduced his fear that his DC's would refuse to see him unless he provided wall to wall fun. (sadly, DSD did vote with her feet and is currently estranged)

DP still occasionally strays into DisneyDad mode - but we have a very strong relationship, and clearly defined boundaries, and we both know what is non-negotiable.

I try to manage it but fail miserably most of the time. The only way I get through it is to detach and find my own space away from them when it gets too much
DP knows what he is doing, he is just too soft. He doesn't like upsetting them and they know it!
I think when I told him that they will grow up into unlikeable adults if he didn't teach them respect and consideration for others, it really hit a chord with him and he is trying more but it will be a lifetimes work to undo the damage he and his ex wife have caused these kids.
I have called his kids spoilt brats too - not my finest moment but true nonetheless.

Kaluki i think you might be married to my dh. Dh will go to any lengths and expenditure not to upset them. Ss lives here full-time so not easy to detach. NADM i wish i'd had your sense at the beginning but when the scs are well into their teens, any perceived change in their dad's disneying leads to even more resentment for 'influencing' their dad. What i wont stand for though is different levels of discpline for the same 'crime' for different children who live together.

The interesting thing is, i have friends in non-step families where dad indulges kids and although mums mildly irritated, not to the extent that I am as a stepmum.

Yes, I've told DP that his kids are rude, ill mannered, selfish and self centred. I've so far avoided the rude brat comments.

I can also manage to hit a nerve if I point out that his kids will grow up to be badly adjusted and emotionally unbalanced adults if he doesn't do his bit and actually parent them.

He's got his ex forbidding him to even discipline the kids and me tearing my hair out because he won't discipline them. Feel a bit sorry for him sometimes being stuck in the middle.

He's got his ex forbidding him to even discipline the kids and me tearing my hair out because he won't discipline them. Feel a bit sorry for him sometimes being stuck in the middle.

I don't think he deserved sympathy! Why is he stuck in the middle? He is a grown man, and perfectly capable of thinking for himself!

When he makes decisions, he makes is on the basis that you are his partner now, and therefore, your opinions and feelings are should be prioritised over his ex's; - or do you both hold equal status in his life?

NADM, you are right! (As always )

We've had our intial counselling session and already the counsellor is saying things like he needs to be prepared to let kids go before they will come back to him rather than teaching them he is desperate and needy. I can tell this is a completely new concept to him!

He needs to understand his actions have virtually no effect on his ex wifes behaviour and stop changing his own behaviour to try and appease her, because he never will.

And ultimately if these men want the new partners and new family lives, we should feell that we are a unit parenting the kids together. It's not really rocket science is it?