EX having a baby - now no time for his Kids!

[zazas]

My ex has just told me that he and his DP are expecting a baby in August. I am happy for them but he also explained that it would mean he won't be able to spend much time with our DD(8) and DS(4) once the baby arrives as his DP will find that too difficult. He only sees them every second weekend and often has work commitments so even misses some of those weekends - so it is not very much. I have mixed feelings as I know that he is worried about his DP as she suffers from despression and is concerned how she will cope with motherhood. But I am also concerned about our children.....naturally they love the time they spend with him and are excited about the baby and I know not seeing him will be very upsetting for them. I know that he still wants to see our kids but I feel that he is under alot of pressure from his DP. She also wants to move about 4 hours away even though he wants to stay close to the kids. I don't want to interfere with their 'lives' but I feel that I need to make him aware that DD and DS need him and I feel he will regret it if he only follows what his DP wants. I know his so well and know that he usually acts first, thinks later and usually regrets!!!! I don't think his DP truly understands his feelings towards his kids and while the situation is not ideal, their relationship has a better chance of succeeding if she accepts his children and encourages the relationship with their father. Any advice?

speak to her yourself and tell her this
and the way you feel
that you are not trying to push the kids onto him but at the same time you wont have the kids pushed out
be reasonable and listen to her feelings too
good luck
xxx

I'm a step Mum and stepDD was 4yo when DH and I had our DS twins. DH sees stepDD every weekend and at the time she stayed over much more often than she does now.
It was quite complicated working out where everyone was going to sleep, so that the new babies did not wake DD,etc and if I remember correctly,she didn't stay over until the twins were 2 weeks old(to give us some time to get used to having 2 new babies), but she did visit every week.In fact she visited the twins in hospital soon after they were born.
DH and I felt it was very important that her visits with DH went back to normal ASAP. We didn't want her to feel pushed out and also wanted her to form a close bond with her new brothers.We tried to make sure that DD was still the centre of DH's attention while she was with us and I delt more with the babies.
This aproach seems to have worked for us,StepDD is now 11yo and the DS's are 7yo, they are all pretty close(apart from being annoying younger brothers).
I'm afraid having 3 kids on the weekend is something your ex has to get used to, so the sooner the better.It also gets a bit more complicated when they all have different activities to go to !!!

As for his DP wanting to move away, well perhaps she wants to be near family or something, but personally I would never ask DH to move away from his DD,surly this is something they should have sorted out at the beginning of their relationship.

Perhaps, you should have a chat to him and point out that as from the birth of is baby he has THREE children and the sooner he sorts out how to handle them the better, otherwise your childrens relationship with him will suffer, as will their future relationship with his new baby.

Thanks. I am thinking that I might need to. We have met quite a few times and seemed to have got on well although my ex tells me that she finds it difficult having me part of her DP's life! She can't understand why he needs to talk to me - why he can't only speak to the children - although of course when we do talk it is only about the kids! She also won't let him move closer to the kids mainly because of me. She came on the scene long after we separated and I have done absolutely nothing to cause any problems. I know she feels insecure about ex's feeling to me as it me who wanted the separation - but she has absolutely no need for concern there.

Thanks jac34 - I need to print out your reply and give it to him. I think he needs to know that his feelings for the new baby won't diminish his love for and need to see his first two - in fact I think he has forgotten that the newborn stage was not a favourite of his! I just feel if he doesn't get it right now, it is setting the scene for the future and how his DP values his children within the relationship. Yes she wants to move closer to her family (although it will still be a 1 - 2 hour drive to her Mother's) but she is refusing to consider the impact on his kids. I am also a stepmother and I too would never make my DP move away from his children. Maybe being a parent will help her understand this. I also think that you are right - it is their new sibling and all 3 children are entitled to establish a relationship. My two are so loving and wonderful with small children and I know that they will enhance the new family situation that is being created.