Dsd (14) trying to make dp chose her or me

[humptydidit]

Long story.... dp and I don't live together. He has 2 kids with him full time and I have 3 kids with me full time.
Dsd is almost 15. She has a difficult relationship with her mum and sees her occasionally. She is having a bit of a rough ride through the teenage years and is full of hormones and very emotional.

Things all came to a head tonight after having dinner together with all the kids when dsd cornered me and dp and asked dp to chose which was more important to him, me or her.

Obviously this is ridiculous but the bottom line is that she is currently determined to split me and dp up. I don't know what to do about it.

I made a bit of a joke of it and walked away but inside I am seething. I don't know what to do.
I told dp that I wasn't going to even entertain that sort of thing. I spoke to my mum about it and she says that it's an issue between dp and dsd. She maybe feels unsure about how she will fit in to our relationship in the long term.

I can't tell him what to do and don't want to walk away from our relationship but how do I tell him that he needs to reassure her and support her but also be clear that there is plenty of room in his life for her and also for me and him together.
I hope that makes sense! Thanks for reading

Having thought about it, I guess what I want is for him to step up and be straight with dsd and tell her that he loves her and she is very special etc etc etc, but that he wants to make a go of our relationship and that she is very important in our united family. And also if I'm honest, I want him to tell her that trying to emotionally blackmail him won't work - except maybe phrased better.
Is that unreasonable????

yes, very.

She's a teenager. She is being awful, as is her "right", but wow! that is horrible. Hope your DP comes to the same conclusion with out you having to prompt him.

thanks for your reply upside but am a bit confused...are you saying I am out of order or not? Sorry it's very late and I am shattered but can't sleep.

Of course being a teenager is a roller coaster, but she doesn't have the right to control the whole family surely?

I was agreeing that she is being unreasonable, not you. Your second and fourth post say it all really.
Sorry for the confusion. You sound like you are being level-headed about it. I can appreciate it must be really hurtful.

So I should have said, yes that is reasonable and no you are not unreasonable. Sorry for the confusion.

ok, so how do I go about it?
I already told dp I can't go on like this and I won't be drawn into her "games" for want of a better word.
Dp is very gentle and anything for the peace. He isn't weak, but is desparate not to upset anyone, hence why the whole emotional blackmail angle is so effective.
I don't want to give up on the relationship, I want to support dp but he needs to stand up to her. Not punish her but reassure her etc.
Do I spell it out to him? It's such delicate ground. I don't want to offend dp by critiscising his child, but at the same time if she carries on then our relationship will be over.
Also there are 4 other kids in our united family and dsd can't control all of their lives too :(

It's a really difficult position she has put you and your DP.

Being critical of DSD will most likely do damage to your relationship.

Do you think you will be able to speak with him about it with out being overly emotional yourself?

How long have you been together? How secure do you feel with your relationship?

He has to stand up for your relationship otherwise it won't last either way.

I think I agree with your Mum. It is between him and his DD. He SHOULD tell her that what she said is emotional blackmail and not acceptable while at the same time reassuring her that his love for her won't change, whoever he is in a relationship with.
If he doesn't do this and panders to her then maybe you do need to think about whether you want to be with a man like this as if he can't deal with this sort of teenage behaviour then it will get worse.

I was your sd ,i did exactly that to my father ,he ,quite rightly of course,ignored me and went ahead anyway .BUT it took years (probably 15) for our relationship to recover.

I am shocked that you treated it as a joke,it might seem silly and irrational to you but she is deadly serious ,in her slightly whacky teenage head he is rejecting her for you .

Now i look back and can see how ridiculous i was being but at the time i thought i was asking for a totally reasonable thing .In my eyes he had children before he met SM therefore we came first.Whatever decision he took post children had to have them as the priority,after all wasn't he always telling us how we were the most important things in his life.In my eyes ,by marrying my SM when i didn't want him to ,he was showing that all along we hadn't been the most important things in his life,therefore my entire life would be based on a lie if he married her .

MAD I know but not to a teenager .She needs careful handing ,lots and lots of reassurance and treating seriously.

DSD needs reassurance and to be treated seriously, yes, but "treating seriously" has to mean dealing with this kind of behaviour, not indulging it OR ignoring it.

It is very typical behaviour by a teenage girl. Your DP needs to sit her down and give her a serious talk, and let her know that he loves her, and he loves you, and he - as you say - intends to make a go of it with you. Much better for her in the long run, I promise you, then ignoring it, making a joke of it, or letting her control when/where/how/if he expresses affection for you.

My teenage DSD has always enjoyed an extremely close relationship with DH. She had the same worries and reaction, and spent a lot of time, in our first year together, trying to mark her territory. DH did not indulge it. He was upfront with her about his feelings for her and for me. Thank god. In the long run, I thinkit has actually increased her confidence, because she now - over time - has seen that loving me has NOT taken away from her dad's love for her. If he had catered to her out of fear of upsetting her, I really think that uncertainty would have lingered. Think about tiny babies and separation anxiety - you don't solve it by never leaving your baby - you teach your baby that you leave and come back...that is the kind of real security your DP should strive for with his DD.

(BTW, I love when the 'it's normal teenage behaviour' line comes out. So is shoplifting, drugs and rink experimentation, lying, and all manner of disrespectful behaviour. None of those things, in moderation, make an abnormal or bad teenager. But only a confused or neglectful parent would allow those bahaviours to pass without comment and consequence.)

So that is my two cents...Your DP's DD is testing her limits and pushing the boundaries - DP needs ro sort it out, and your expectations/ideas are exactly right.

drink experimentation, obviously...

Thanks for all your comments.

Spoke to dp this morning after a sleepless night on both our parts. I said to him that this is an issue between him and dsd. Not making it his "problem" but that she needs reassurance from him etc etc.
He promised that he would speak to her and explain that he will always love her but that she is out of turn, which has helped me alot that he sugggested that, I didn't have to push him to speak to her, iyswim.

He then rang me a bit later saying that she has been on her super best behaviour this morning and obviously trying to get on his good side, no arguments and has tidied her room and so on. But then dsd asked him if everything was ok and he told her that he was not happy with her behaviour and reassured her that he loved her etc etc. She told him she was sorry but it wasn't her fault as she was tired and had her period. He said that wasn't an excuse and that this had been going on for some time. She went off to school and text him to apologise but she is still trying to pull him heartstrings. The text said "I'm sorry for being a bitch, I don't want you and humpty to break up as you seem so happy. I'll just keep out of the way. I'm not important in all this, it's only your happiness that counts"

He text back saying that's not the case at all and that everybody needs to find a middle ground so that we can all be happy and reassured her again that he does love her and she means the world to him.

So......

What to do now?
I think he needs to have another longer chat with her after school and go through it properly.
At the end of the day, I can see that she is insecure and unsettled. She is being very territorial of dp. Looking back over the last month or so, I can see that this has been building up for a whiile. For example, when he sits on the couch, she sits on his lap or sits beside him so that nobody can sit beside him. But I think that the part I'm really struggling with is that she seems to be pushing me. She will deliberately do something and then turn to me and smile as if to say "now what are you going to do about that". I really don't know how to handle it at all. For example, she'll see we are talkking and rush in demanding a hug from him and then smile at me over his shoulder as if to say "he's mine" or it they are visiting at my house, will say she feels ill and wants to go home early ad then nag and nag and nag him until he gives in.

Would a sensible suggestion be to sit with her and explain that she is important but that we also need time to ourselves and arrange like a "date night" where we go out together once a week minus all kids and spend our quality time together then, and then in the meantime just ignore her tactics within reason??

My own children are younger and I am really struggling with this, so any advice greatly appreciated

Holy crap! When my DSD gets to 14 I will be hitting the bottle!!
That is just the sort of thing I can see her doing!!!
Glad your DP is being sensible about this.

lol kaluki

It's just a headache. I am so tired today. I am desparate to get this whole thing sorted and I'm really struggling. I think I need to back right off and let dp sort things out a bit.

Any suggestions how I can support him?

Humpty you sound lovely and with patience you will get there.You do needs to hold the line ,she is,as another poster said testing the boundaries,she is seeing how far you can be pushed.Just like a toddler it's about consistency and reassurance and not letting her play one of you against the other

However this will not be fixed in one conversation or one night,this is the long game and you have to play it as such .

My ss and I were talking recently (there were 3 from one family and 2 from the other in our scenario)and she had read a book saying that it takes about 10 years for two families to really mesh and we agreed that that was about right for all of us .So there's a long way to go yet

By the way had to smile at her text to her Dad ,that is exactly what I did ,only in a letter(I boarded at school)The problem was that my dad wasn't as sensitive as your do and just thought I should snap out of it so his response was "OK then"

I have a similiar problem with my Stepson would you believe? so it's not just a daddys girl thing. It's like his dad is property to be fought over. He too does all that passive aggressive stuff like deliberately using my cup or sitting where I always sit at the table etc. then sits back and waits for his dad to call me petty etc if I say anything. I just rode it out basically until he finally left home. He actually resorted to sending me arsey texts accusing me of breaking things in his room/stealing his things etc. I think he just got desperate in the end to split us up to go to those lengths.
He still visits about once a week and still does the PA stuff - for example I answered a call from him on his dads phone one day - DH was driving - and he said he coudnt visit that evening - a Thursday - and would speak to his dad later to arrange another time. Now SS knows full well that we try and keep our weekends sacred and never ever commit ourselves to any visits etc. So what does he say back to me when I reply - 'Oh right - for next week then ?' - ' No for weekend ' - with a real 'nuh nuh nu nuh nuh' in his voice.
He never came that weekend - he'd no intention - and he does similiar wind ups on a regular basis. No advice really except try and ignore - dont give a reaction as much as possible - and hopefully she'll either grow up and/or leave home in not too distant future or get bored. I agree your partner cant ignore it however and it sounds like he is dealing with it. What about family therapy - I know it's not everyones cup of tea but may be helpful.

mindyourownbusiness thank you for your reply.

Just wondering, do you have any other kids of your own? How do they cope with your dss and his behaviour?

In our relationship there are 4 other kids and it's very hard to get a good balance between all of them as dsd is determined to take up 100% of our time and attention.

Yes we do but all grown up and fled the nest now so at least not so much of an internal domestic problem but still SS does get preferential treatment ( always an excuse to buy him something for hudreds of pounds for Christmas etc and £50 on his other children for example !) and it does cause resentment and family politics can get quite heated at times. I dont know if its the fact he is the youngest and just been infantisised by DH causing this behaviour possibly because I have stopped a lot of it by my presence alone really so maybe thats where the resentment/trying to destroy us comes from. He must think sometimes that if it wasnt for me coming on the scene it would be just him and his dad now round his little finger !

Thing is my DH just cannot see it - or more likely he can but wont admit it and other members of the family can but darent say anything as he gets very defensive. DH even commented (to surpressed howls of laughter from me and DM-i-l) that his youngest DGson is being 'spoiled' and will grow up to be a right little so and so if it doesnt stop ! Yet he cannot see that is exactly what has happened between him and his son.

Nowt as strange as folk eh !

Sorry not giving you many ideas or help but just to sympathise with you really. We dont have any children between us btw - like yourselves I think just our own from previouses so as all our others were grown up and gone before we met I've never had that experience of the effect on other children - in the home at least.

I would suggest family therapy for everyone. My father was told to do this when he was with his girlfriend who had kids and he said he regretted not doing it. Things escalated to the point where he chose us over her. I think this is something that needs sorting out and a 3rd person who is independent can help.

It was traumatic for my sister and I to go from being a family of 3 to 9 so I can somewhat relate to this girl (although her behaviour is wrong). Her kids were able to adjust more easily because they were used to the big numbers and having to share bedrooms etc. Having someone independent to talk to would have been great.