How do you stop your marriage from going down the pan?

[BlueWorrier]

Ok, I'm going to unload here. I've been feeling a lot of guilt for a long while and I need to know what to do about it...this is long but I didn't want to drip feed.

DH has a son (6). He is a lovely boy and I get on really well with him. DH and his ex split 5 yrs ago, it was DH who instigated the split and his ex was v upset for a long while but is ok now, on the whole. Sometimes she can send DH on a guilt trip by using the immortal line "but YOU left ME!" when she feels that she needs to prove whatever point she's making and DH (in my opinion) hates it so much that he'll do pretty much anything to stop her uttering those four words...

Anyway, DH and I got married last August. We are both teachers, work full-time with additional responsibilities which means that this year we never leave work before 5pm. Once we are home there's then another few hours of planning and marking. At the moment it's exam season which is v stressy which could explain part of why I'm feeling like this. DH's ex does not work as she is signed off on long-term sick.

DH pays ex over double what CSA would ask of him plus does not take off anything for the fact he stays with us regularly. He also pays half of clothes/shoes costs for his son.

We pick DSS up on Fridays and then take him home on Sundays plus we have him for half of every school holiday.

My problem is this: I am absolutely frazzled and find that it's really hard to give DSS 'quality time' and I'm finding it really hard to cope with absolutely no 'downtime' or even just quality time alone with DH. I just wish I could have a lie-in every so often or go out with DH, like any other newly-married couple. I feel like we get pretty much no quality time together as we are either worked off our feet or have DSS to run about after.

I know there will be people out there saying "well you chose a man with a child" but the time thing has got longer and longer very gradually. For instance, last year we had DSS every other weekend and once in the week as we made a real effort to juggle work round and leave at 3:30 one day a week. I much preferred that arrangement as it gave us a weekend to ourselves.

I just feel that I am stuck in a rut and I don't know what to do as I am really struggling with this, have told DH but he thinks i'm just being selfish and need to understand that DSS deserves as much time as possible with DH, which is true but I really don't think he's getting the best of us as we are so busy and tired and cannot devote "quality time" to him for a large proportion of the weekend. DH is reluctant to change anything and I'm pretty sure it's also down to the fact he doesn't want a showdown with his ex. Am I being stupid to feel like this? And what should I do?

YANBU but... you may have to suggest options that would work for all of you. That may mean having 1or 2 less weekend stays and longer in the holidays, or DH taking DSS to stay with family for a mid term weekend ?? Go careful and try to remain positive and open to ideas.

I'd be fine with adjusting the balance so that we have him more in hold and fewer weekends but for me the idea of DH taking DSS somewhere else for a weekend does kind of defeat the object - I feel that all (literally 100%) of our spare time involves DSS and I just want some time alone with DH. It is not spending time with DSS per se that I object to, it is spending ALL of every weekend with no time alone with DH.

I feel like I'm acting like a spoiled brat by saying this :(

I guess it's more prominent in my mind at the moment as DH and I are trying for a baby and I think I'm just wanting to spend as much time with DH as possible as a couple before a baby comes who will be with us 100% of the time. Again I know that people will be saying that if I feel ready for a baby then I'm obviously ready to give up free time and 'couple' time but I think actually knowing that there may only be a limited quantity of it left has made me more conscious (and resentful :( ) of this issue.

Oops meant hols (holidays) not hold!

YANBU in my view as I know what u mean as it is hard work when ur completely shattered. Maybe you could suggest having DSS 3 weekends and then one weekend off? Try to discuss with DH that u want good times with them both but u really want some time on ur own too? Have u had it out with him and discussed ur concerns.

It is a juggling act that we all do unfortunately. We have kids Friday nite thro to Monday morning having to take them to their schools which are 30 miles away. Financially we are the same as u and yes, it does annoy mr sometimes but that's one of the main reasons that I love my DP is because he is a kind dad doing the best he can to make his kids have a comfortable life. U have every right to fed up with it and want time to urself with ur DP. Do u have time on ur own without DP and his son? Just remember it does get easier as they get older because they get on with stuff without u being required every second of the day but 6 is a tough age and ur still a relatively new feature in his sons life.

Try not to get down and plan some stuff for u to do with and without DP. It's a fact that his son isn't going anywhere. Do u have to work through ur feelings somehow. Have u thought of a bit of counselling for urself so u can vent and not feel bad for expressing urself? Keep ur chin up as others will be thro to offer more advice for sure. :)

Is there a rush for a baby as u'll get even less time together and u will have to consider Dss in those plans for a new child too! If u need time together u have to say now. Having a child together too will just compact issues if u do not clear them up now! Good luck.

I think counselling would be a good idea as it would mean I'm not bottling things up.

I have spoken to DH about this on many occasions. I always end up feeling really guilty as DH says that DSS is the innocent one in this (which is true) and that he would feel bad as a dad knowing that DSS wasn't able to spend as much time as possible with him. I do admire his dedication. So, every time we discuss it, DH says that he is not willing to spend less time with DSS, nor is he willing to change the timings as weekends are the most convenient in terms of having big chunks of free time.

I can't remember the last time I got to go out with DH. During the week we are at work until 5, prep/marking for 2-3 hours, eat dinner and then bed quite early as we are normally knackered by 8/9 ish. Then Fridays we pick DSS up and take him back on sun evening and the whole thing starts again.

I am a teacher and a step-parent so understand where you're coming from. We have my DP's children EOW and once during the week so nothing like the pressures you have.

I don't think YABU in the least, neither do I think you are behaving like a spoilt brat. You are in a very tough spot and I know I would really really struggle with the same things that you do. Unless you nip it in the bud the resentment will grow... so, like lostinsuffolk says... make sure that you plan stuff to do for you with and without your DH. If that means getting a babysitter every other weekend then that's a good thing.

Also, the counselling suggestion is not a bad one either - DP and I are doing couples counselling now (because I feel resentful and he feels guilty). It's doing us wonders and from what the counsellor says - these are very very common emotions in step families.

Good luck,

Well...with regard to a baby, I have a really, really irregular cycle which means we'll probably have to try for a while before we get anywhere so I feel we should be trying now as we don't want to leave it too late.

And also, I am at that stage in my life where I NEED(!!) a baby (I'm 28 btw).

I think you answered your question in your last post, OP, when you said you can't remember the last time you and your DH went out.

Personally, I think it's important as a couple to spend proper time as a couple. The Obamas have "date night". DH and I don't have a regular evening out, but we do make sure every now and again we go out, even if only for a quick drink, or get a take away and watch a film. Cheesy, but it works for us (8 years and two kids on).

Could you try to schedule something like this in eg once a month?

Origami - thanks for your reply. With regard to a babysitter, we have asked DH's mum in the past but she'll only stay until about 10pm(!) and we don't have anyone else who knows DSS well enough to make us happy about leaving them with him.

Plus, the whole point of having DSS with us is just that:to be with us, so we do tend to only ask for babysitting help on v v special, rare occasions. DH feels v strongly and I can see his point on that.

I think couples counselling is a good idea, even if it just makes DH aware that my feelings are common and it's not just me. He genuinely knows I do my best with DSS and is really pleased with our relationship but he 100% does not understand why I am struggling with the time issue.

Plus, the whole point of having DSS with us is just that:to be with us,

But you're having him EVERY weekend! That isn't a rare treat to see his dad - it's everyday life, or it should be. Your DH is seeing as much of him as an awful lot of dads who work long hours are. I think you and your DH need to stop thinking of your weekends as "DS time" and start seeking them as part of family life - that could, and should, include DS going on play dates, going to visit family, and getting babysitters. If you approach local nurseries they'll often have staff who will do babysitting. or ask round friends who have teenagers.

I have a similar set up in that my DP's DC come every weekend, and in the week he works long hours and is always tired - but he is completly understanding of the need to put aside some time that is for us - the odd weekend or day when the DC stay at their mum's - we tend to schedule these in to make sure that they happen, and knowing that they're coming up helps a lot.

Why don't you agree one night a week when you don't do any marking and have a night out together? and then catch up with work a bit at the weekend. DSS can always watch a film or have a friend round to entertain him for a bit for a few hours.

I couldn't agree more with lostinsuffolk. My DP feels the same about babysitters but we don't have the children every weekend... if you don't tackle it now you will be saddled with his decision and you will never be able to go out at the weekend. I understand your DP's feelings but I don't think it's healthy for children to have that much control.

I also try to do a lot of work at school and will quite happily stay there till 8 if it means I dont bring anything home. My sister has a rule which she thinks has saved her marriage... it also works for DP and I... every night (that DP is at home he travels a lot with work) we have a meal together at the table with the TV off. Even if its only half a hour its time set aside for us to connect with each other. Its become sacred in our life and not doing it would be as bad as sleeping in a different room!

This is where step parents get a raw deal imo.
If DSS were your own child you could happily organise a babysitter and go out with DH and everyone would understand and support your need for time together as a couple.

But in a step situation, EVERYTHING revolves around the child and you are made to feel selfish for wanting time with your DH. Your DSS has a LOT of quality time with you and his Dad, you are the one missing out on quality time (God I hate that phrase!) but your needs come last
I think you should actually lay it on the line to DH and tell him this is something you NEED.

You sound very tolerant and supportive tbh and your DH and DSS are lucky to have you.

Every weekend and half of all holidays is unusual. Every other weekend, and half of school holidays is more the norm, but not for everyone - often it is just part of school holidays, or whatever the RP wil "allow" (e.g. two weeks in summer, one week at Christmas and one week at Easter).

I think you need to renegotiate. Sounds like the maintenance is an issue too if your DH is paying way more than CSA AND you are having DSS for so much of the time and paying half of other costs.

Cant advise you on how to do it though, but it does sound as if you need it, and soon.

Sounds like EXW really WANTS you to have DSS, so withholding access (which may happen with other RPs) may not be an issue for you if Dh explains to her that he is going to pay in accordance with CSA guidelines.
Worth a try? Remember you have many years to go yet.....

?This is where step parents get a raw deal. If DSS were your own child, you could happily organise a babysitter and go out with DH and everyone would understand and support your need for time together as a couple. But in a step situation, everything revolves around the child. Your DSS has a LOT of quality time with his Dad, and you are the one who?s missing out.?

Excellent point. Normal family dynamics don?t apply in step situations. In a ?together? family, everyone has to fit round everyone one, and there is no one person whose needs have elevated status. But it?s completely different with step children ? they?re at the top of the food chain and people react like you?re Myra Hindley if you challenge that.

Ladydeedy also makes a very good point, that you need to re-negotiate the maintenance, particularly if you?re having DSS for so much of the time. I agree that as the ex seems to want you to have lots of access, she?s very unlikely to threaten to withhold access if you re-negotiate. My DH would never rock the boat with his ex, just in case she threatened to withhold access, but as I kept pointing out, she was always VERY keen to despatch DSS to us, and reducing access would be the last thing she wanted.

I think you have to accept what your DH wants and try to find ways (such as week night date nights) to find time alone.

We also have SS every single weekend, Fri to Sun and both work full time. So I know EXACTLY how you feel. I spend a long time feeling resentful about it. The only time we get alone is when SS goes to PIL during the school holidays. So about 10 weekends a year, due to one weekend out of each holiday we have to deliver him up to them.

I've grown to accept that this what our life is and and that this is what I signed up for. It won't be forever, there will be a time when SS is older and doesn't want to come every weekend.

Just wanted to agree with what others have said really. What happens at the weekends when your dss is with you? is it all fun and games or is there any real life stuff going on? This is an issue we had at the start and is one area where I have been able to instigate some change. DH will now do things around the house when his dc's are here and it's important that happens. We have dsd's half the time and had a situation where all the boring stuff happened in both our house and their mums house while they weren't there. I pointed out to DH that they would grow up completely clueless if that carried on!

So I agree that you should do some of your marking and planning work while he is there - an hour won't kill him.

The other thing I want to say is how important it is for this child that your relationship with his dad works out. he has already been through 1 break up and it is in his best interests if you are solid. That means looking after your relationship.

My DH doesn't like to get a babysitter either but at 6 surely he will be in bed while you are out so wouldn't be spending the time with his dad anyway?

Hi all, just wanted to say thank you for all the excellent advice and also for helping me to realise that I am normal to feel like this - I am so happy to hear that other people feel like this too.

I spoke about this to an old friend today who said that he was glad that I'd opened up to him and that he'd noticed that I've been unhappy for a while but didn't want to upset me by asking as he didn't know if it was linked to trying to conceive. He was astounded by my schedule and has also confirmed what you have all said; his exact words were "this is not sustainable". I totally agree with him and am going to speak to DH about it. Hopefully we'll agree on something and he'll understand my point but otherwise I think I really need to lay it on the line, i.e. even if you don't understand, I cannot carry on like this. I think that if this is the case, I need to ask DH to come with me to talk to other people in the same position or maybe a counsellor as I think that he really does not understand my point of view :(

Sounds like I've had a few good days and chatting to a friend whose encouraged you to talk is good. I would say do some counselling on ur own first to see how you get on, then see if u can encourage DP to come with u. It could be the best thing ever do.

One thing I did pick up on is at 28 ur cycle may get better and stress will mess up ur cycles too so maybe u should get ur relationship sorted and the baby may just happen without loads of trying!!! Too much stress is shit for trying to get pregnant. I have a handful of my girlfriends say they fell pregnant after years of trying in one case about a month after she stopped being stressed and started to enjoy herself again. Ur young and have loads of time ahead of u!

Keep smiling :)

That should say "you've" had a good few days! Doh ;)

Why doesn't mum want any weekend time with her son!? He's at school all week long then packed off at weekend, how strange!
I completely understand how you feel and understand the frustration with the maintenance thing as he can't cost much in the week and you have him for the expensive time, I.e the weekend. Although mum can't have much cash if in long term sick so it's nice that your dh helps out over and above.
Sorry, no advice, just adding support

Why don't you and your husband allocate a few hours every week/month to 'date night' it's completely child-free time for you 2 to be 'newly-weds' also, when you have your step-son for half a holiday, why don't you and your husband go on holiday for the other half of it? Or even just go away for a few days.

I think you should tell your husband how you feel, he might feel as bad as you feel and be willing to compromise a little. As for the money situation. I think it's a good thing that he pays for half of the child's living expenses (some Fathers don't pay a penny) would you rather he runs about with t-shirts that are too small and trainers that squash his toes?

I do hope I helped.

Hi, thanks for advice...with regard to the money thing, it's all fine with me. We are comfortable and would hate to think of DSS going without things. Guess I just mentioned it to prove how much DH looks after DSS.

Have spoken to him about going away during hols and he'd rather stay at home and save money - doesn't see point in wasting money by staying away when we can stay at home! Aaaargh! Anyway...have managed to talk and have decided that we need to focus on us as well as DSS. Feel a lot more hopeful now.

Thanks everyone - your advice and support really helped and made me feel like I was normal rather than being a selfish cow!!

It's more difficult because DSS is not your child so you haven't had time to build up to being used to having a child around from the outset, but the situation you're describing is what parents with DC at home have all the time, except with the added bonus of getting them to nursery/school/breakfast club etc every weekday and doing the pick up.

I'm not unsympathetic, because YOU hadn't chosen to have a child yet so have this situation thrust upon you, but a lot of it is just the reality of being a parent of some sort.

Totally agree with the other posters though that, even within the time DSS is with you, you need to make sure everyone's interests and needs are catered for and not just his. I'm probably not meant to give recommendations but if you are struggling for a babysitter, try sitters. co.uk. They are brilliant - all sitters are CRB checked and work in some sort of childcare setting, cover the whole country and can do really short notice bookings.

I would also add that I would be looking again at maintenance. If DSS would genuinely suffer if DP paid the CSA amount, then obviously it would be wrong to reduce it, but it sounds like the ex is completely taking the piss IMO. If a bit more money for you and DP makes life easier (eg babysitters, cleaner, nicer holidays) then you and DP will be happier and less stressed and DSS will benefit as a result.

Hi You need to make time for the two of you as a couple. We had skids every weekend for years, ex didn't work because she didn't want to. Trust me, in the end you'll end up exhausted and it will drive a wedge between you and your DSS if you don't get the space you need.