I'm done

[Smum99]

I think I'm done at being a stepmum. dss has decided that he won't be seeing us because he will be spending his holidays with his mum and new husband.

Yes I know he's confused and his mum has manipulated him BUT at 14 I want him to be responsible for how he treats people. dh phoned for a chat and dss tried to get DH into competition for holiday time - "if I spend time with you what exciting stuff will we do cos mum is offering xyz".DH wouldn't play the game but told dss that we very much wanted to see him. Dss then asked for £50.

DH was completely deflated. We have spent months being supportive to dss about the changes in his home life. I have never criticised his mother and if anything I have been highly supportive, trying to get him to see that she loves him.

I know that dss is clinging to his mum, I know that she has told him that if he comes to see dh then he will miss out on time with her and his position as nos1 son will be vulnerable BUT I am so disappointed that he can treat dh & I like this.

We have put dss at the centre of our family and arranged our lives so that we can see him as often as we can. He feels very wanted and loved by us all. We decided not to have another child as we knew it would negatively impact on dss (financial as well as time wise) and now I regret those decisions.

I'm done, dss will visit us EOW, when it suits no doubt, but I will detach..starting from this weekend. No more - hoping for the best, trying hard, being constantly understanding, never being angry and doing the right thing. I will invest my energies in my life, family and friends.

It feels very liberating (and I think I will have a MN name change to reflect my new status).

Sorry you are going through such a tough time, it must be very painful for you. however, you can't detach from him, he desperately needs adults in his life who are strong and consistent. Think about the terrible emotional mill that he is being out through, poor kid. It's wicked of his mother to do this to him.
Please carry on as you were, but without trying to be super mum. Play the long game here.

Just try to remember he is a kid who is playing one parent off against the other because of the position he finds himself him.

It's not his fault, he doesn't think or behave like an adult because he isn't one yet and it sounds like his Mum doesn't have his best interests at heart. He has learnt that how his Mother behaves is "normal".

If detaching helps you then go ahead, we all know you don't have to be nasty to DSS. I think getting some sort of acceptance of the situation we find ourselves in and having little control over that is the hardes thing of all to deal with.

Looking forward to seeing your new name.

Stick with your DSS-he's only little still FGS. And probably feeling really mixed up deep down. Better to have an upfront chat about how it makes you feel when he says things like that, than just withdrawing forever. He needs sensible people he can rely on and who will stick by him no matter what. With clear boundaries and feedback on unacceptable behaviour.

smum I can really relate to what you are going through right now

I've had to detach to preserve my own sanity - but now I'm faced with the prospect of re-engaging with DSD, who like your DSS has no idea how her attitude and behaviour impacts on people

When is it acceptable to start holding DSC to account for their own actions and no longer consider them innocent victims of circumstance?

I'd love to answer the answer to that question as well NADM. You bring up your own kids to accept more and more responsibility for their actions as they get older .... no-one expects complete understanding and perfection but the general idea is that as they age they apply more thought and consideration to what they do and how it affects other people. However, at least IME, it strikes me that if you're a "non resident" child you almost always get a "get out of jail free" card for misdemeanours as bad behaviour is mostly attributed to the D.I.V.O.R.C.E (no matter this was over a decade ago), or their mother's influence. I accept this boils down to the attitude of your partner, who embraces this approach as it avoids the need for discussion/confrontation/punishment (heaven forbid) which in turn threatens contact (apparently).

What I don't get though is this ..... when anything and everything is attributed to "circumstances" does that mean that if the child's parents had never split, they'd have never misbehaved ?! Of course not .... meaning that some bad behaviour, some of the time, is inevitable - because that's what kids do ! Yet so many Disney type dads (and often extended family) make excuse after excuse so as to avoid the potential for "upset".

I appreciate that it's difficult to remain objective discussing stuff like this because we're all influenced by our own experience but NOT holding kids to account does them no favours in the long run. It's all very well thinking this isn't going to help them in the real world but frankly I'm past the point of caring about that .... what concerns me more is having to put up with varying degrees of bad behaviour being all but ignored in the meantime. It drives me up the wall because - not surprisingly - the kids (IME) play up because they know there'll be no consequences. So far as I know, "circumstances" have not affected their behaviour at school, or in other social situations - so they do know how to behave ... it's just that when they can get away with being thoughtless/rude/hurtful etc, they choose to do so. I certainly don't blame them entirely - you have one parent who's encouraged and condoned bad behaviour for many years because it "gets at" the other, and then you have that parent terrified to implement discipline because of contact fears. However, as you say, at what bloody age are they ever going to take responsibility for themselves, regardless of what other people say or do ? In other words, just because you can get away with something, does it make it right to do it ? For example, if you could shoplift without being caught, would you steal, or would you not because you know stealing is wrong ? Similarly, is it acceptable (e.g. when you are almost "adult") to be rude and thoughtless "just" because no-one will pick you up on it - or should your own inner moral compass be telling you to do the right thing ? ..... especially when you seem to have no problem applying manners towards other people.

Meant to say "I'd love to know the answer to that ..."

When I split with the dcs dad, I was determined that my dc would not be bought up any differently at all and not carry "the poor dc from a broken home" stigma throughout their childhood. If anything I have been stricter with them than I would have otherwise been because I didn't want to be the single Mum who couldn't control her dc!!
Some parents (DP included!) seem to encourage their kids to wear the 'broken home' tee shirt! Every time DSD or DSS are naughty its "because of the divorce". He doesn't want to upset them because they were traumatised by the divorce. They get more toys to make up for "the fucking divorce"!!! It has become what defines them, and their behaviour is appaling because they can blame it on the divorce and avoid any punishment.
I have told DP that they will grow up to be unlikeable rude adults and nobody gives grown ups special treatment because their parents were divorced.

Oh how I feel for you SMs - My SD is 45 and only this morning caused an enormous amount of trouble for us (far too long to go into). In the last 4 years we have finally stopped all contact as she did something so terrible that we both had finally had enough. There have been texts recently that DP has just ignored, but today it was phone calls, abusing me and calling me a "sad bitch" etc etc etc. I finally texted her to tell her I would not answer any calls from her and will delete all texts. My DP has said the same to her. We have bailed her out countless times and given her thousands of pounds over the years. She only ever wants money from us.

However I have been through years and years of anguish because of her, and it has caused many rows with myself and DP and my own kids have suffered. It took DP 40 years to really break loose from her, but here we are 5 years on and up she pops with more lies and abuse. We both feel sick and upset but at least we are together on it, which wasn't the case in the past.

CatsMOther, NADM and Kaluki you are all hitting the nail on the head. Oh it's so easy for non SMs to think of the "poor children" - they need to experience it to understand it. OP I hope you can detach but somehow I'm not sure it's that easy - I tried many times and failed, but I hope you have better luck. YOu don't need anyone to tell you that this adolescent is confused and like many kids his age is wanting material things. Can imagine his mother might have told him to ask his dad for 50 quid? Thing is I think you are probably both feeling hurt, rejected, betrayed, angry and all sorts of other emotions. Try to support each other - that's what we should have done years ago, but DP was a disneydad then (but of course no one had coined the very apt name!)

Take care all of you and remember they do eventualy grow up and even though this hapened today it has been an enormous relief since she grew up and moved 300 miles away!

This thread explains beautifully how I feel.

The assumption that "because of the divorce" a (in my case) young woman can continue to behave in the (possibly understandable) way she did aged 12 or 14 or as now, aged 18.

My son is 11. His dad left when he was four. He is polite, has good manners, wouldn't want to offend anyone with his behaviour and is not badly behaved or unkind. I know, we have to make allowances for hormones and teenagers, and I'm not there yet but his basic personality is not "me, me, me" and I hope he'll not change that much.

My youngest step daughter has been allowed to get away with unkindness, rudeness and now, lying because her poor dad doesn't want to lose contact with her. He has been firm but loving and for this sin, she had not seen him for 10 months.

At what point do we stop making excuses? Well, in sd's case, it's too late really because she's learned that she can behave badly, upset people and if she's not allowed to do that, if there are consequences.... She can just walk away from it, not having to face the outcome of the hurt she's caused.

This thread just really sums up life as a SM for me. There always seems to be an excuse as why they are allowed to behave the way they do.

I do think Smum99 that you should detach for yourself. The situation is clearly doing you no favours and you will resent things even more, what is wrong with stepping back when things get too much? He is 14 years old not 5 i'm sure he knows right from wrong as does my SS they just choose to behave well in some places and badly in others where they know there won't be any consequences. Why should you have to keep trying when so little respect is shown? I have detached, it has probably made the whole situation worse tbh as my Dh no longer knows how to handle things when they get out of control because this has gone on for too long. I have no interest in trying to 'be there' and be nice to a child who deliberately ignores me when i says things, calls his mother to say his father (my DH) has beaten him up! which is completly untrue, but then caused her to be screaming and swearing down the phone (which DSS had put on loud speaker) threatening to call the police all in front of DSS and our 1yo DD. what with all that and the hundreds of other things that happen every time he is with us I just cannot be botherd to try any more, I take my dd out and spend the day with her. my DH and I both work full time long hours and lots of commuting I do not want to spend my weekends like that.

I like Smum99 have tried and tried to be supportive and do the right things but it doesn't make a difference so now i just detach as much as i can. Like lots of you have asked when is enough enough? what age do we become responsibe for our own actions?