Teenage Stepdaughter who's mother died when she was 12

[notlaughing]

I have a teenage sd. who lives with us...It is 2 years I have been caring for her for 2 years.....and I know dislike her so much, I can't stand being near her!!! My 8 year old daughter wants us to be a proper family, and love the sd, but I can't get over my dislike of her - but I will try coz I hate to think my daughter realises my feelings!

Their are many issues,but the one that gets to me most, is that she does not wash, she will wear clothes until the sweat literally rots the clothes! I have tried everything that all the books suggest us sm's should do - but now I just want her gone, coz I don't know what else to do? When she's home at the weekends and my daughters at her fathers, I want to run away, as I really feel uncomfortable with her. Does anyone else feel like this?

Has your stepdaughter had any help from anyone with dealing with the loss of her mother?

have you spoken to school/GP about this - she sounds as if she's very unhappy, possibly depressed if she's paying such little concern to her personal hygiene.

yep, that's exactly what I was thinking mts

Thanks for your reply's - It kind of all kicked off this morning.... I have been trying for 18months to get her father to agree to his daughter having counceling - and at last he has agreed - so at last we might be making a move forward, it's very difficult when you have no real parental rights, and your partner is in denial about there being a problem.

I think when I said it would result in me leaving as I would not ask him to choose between us, as she only has one parent, that it finaly sunk in that it was not going to go away with them both ignoring the problem. so fingers crossed I will contact the hospice counseller tomorrow morning (I have had the number in my phone for the last 9months!)

I'm really pleased to hear this nl - she really needs some help to cope with losing her mum

I imagine that you are bearing the brunt of this (perhaps she resents you?), so you need support too. You could well end up building a really good relationship with your sd through all of this - I do hope so.

Let us know how you all get on and good luck

Have you also thought of counselling for yourself, to try and get over your dislike of her? Or do you think that will subside once she starts showing some motivation about caring for herself?

It's impossible for a grieving, hurting child to show themselves any love if they're not being shown any by the adults aroun them.

I have considered counselling for me, many many times, however I believe our relationship will improve once she starts the counselling process - because I will at last feel there is a chance for change - the last 2 years it has been all down to me, but let's be honest - it's only going to change if she wants it too, and if she is given the right sort of help to work through the issues.

I asked her last night how she felt today, about the counselling, and she says she thinks it will be a good thing. I have spoken to the hospice and they are sending me details through so that I can have something to show her and talk about - but, as she is 16 it will have to be her choice..We are now trying to spend time in the same room together! it's hard as the conversation is so difficult, and I keep bunging my head in a cupboard trying to thinks "What can I ask her about?" What conversation can I start now!??????

Anyway it's all steps in the right direction...fingers crossed, and I'm not going to give up yet, because my dauther loves her stepdad and her new home, and her stepsister - so I've got to get it to work somehow

And thanks for keeping in touch it reaaly helps.

NL, I have sdd who very rarely opens up so I know how hard it can be, I try and think of things to talk about before actually being with her so I've got something to actually say! Why not go down the route of asking her opinion on perhaps something you were thinking of buying, clothes for you, dp etc, furniture, how about ideas for perhaps decorating, chat about what she wants to do career/job wise in the future, get her input into family holiday/outing, if you keep asking her opinion and then maybe follow through on a few things perhaps it would be a start. Hope this is of use, I know it can be a nightmare. Good luck.

I kind of think I have exhausted all those subjects - but I'm still trying! I think I will have to get myself a book with 1001 ways to have a conversation with Vicky Pollard.

I'm still trying, and desperatly hoping the mail arrives with the contact details for the counselling......I'm begining to suspect my husband has got to the mail first and binned it.

Oh well....a glass of wine always helps.

Just thought I'd give you an update.

SD is going to start counseling on Friday, I'm so relieved...It will be a start, and hopefuly my resentment will start to subside, if I can see her making an effort.