13 yo Computer gaming addict

[purpleroses]

Help - what can you do to help a 13 year old who seems completely addicted to gaming?

DP is trying to impliment new rules around how much time both of his DSs can spend computer gaming before we all move in together (I have DC of similar ages). With the younger DSthis is working fine, he gets off his computer when told to do so (well, eventually) and then goes and finds something else to do, or plays with the other DC. But it's becoming more and more obvious that his 13 year old really has a problem. He is sneaky and lies repeatedly about whether he's gaming - eg - claiming to be doing homework whilst actually gaming, claiming to have left mobile phone (which is actually used solely for gaming) at his mum's when he hasn't, etc. And we discovered last weekend that he'd been getting up at 5am in order to get more gaming in before the time we'd agreed when it had to stop. I've been saying that we (well DP really) should physically remove the devices from him when his gaming time is up rather than "trust" him to stop when he's told do but this took about an hour last weekend, and virtually turned into a physical fight between DP and his DS.

I'm worried about him - even watching telly with the rest of the family has been dropped in the last few weeks in favour of more gaming time. He doesn't ever see friends at the weekends, or interact with the rest of the family. When he's not gaming he's lost. He doesn't know what to do with himself. I've been concerned for a while about his lack of social skills and friends - DP has been denying that this is an issue (claiming he does have friends) but I think is facing up to the reality a bit more now (the other DC and his ex have also raised concerns that he has no friends).

How can we help him to have a better quality of life and learn better social skiills? (he's very nerdy and other kids don't always find him easy to get on with)

I'm wary of how far I can push things when he's not my own son. If he was, I think I'd have removed the computer from his bedroom by now, replaced his mobile with something cheap and game-less and would be trying to set up social things for him, but I don't really feel I can do any of these things as it is. Any suggestions?

I think I'd have removed the computer from his bedroom by now, replaced his mobile with something cheap and game-less and would be trying to set up social things for him, but I don't really feel I can do any of these things as it is. Any suggestions?

Why won't your DP do this? Until he sees it as a problem, you are powerless - you can enforce his Dads decisions, but if your DSS is blatantly ignoring the rules and your DP is not enforcing them, then there's no point in having them, really.

If it is taking your DP an hour to remove the gaming devise from your DSS and it is escalating towards violence, then surely a week long ban would be an appropriate consequence?

The more resistance he puts up and less attention he pays to you, the longer before he gets it back?

It's difficult - It's not really that DP is unwilling to tackling this issue - it's also because his DS lives with his mum during the week. DP does now want to address it, but he had previously been turning a bit of a blind eye to it (choosing to believe his DS when he told him he'd just turned it on, had been reading all afternoon, was doing homework, etc). He is now on board with the need to confront it, but struggling to do so.

Replacing the phone with a different one would be difficult as it was bought him by his mum/stepdad. Given we want to encourage a social life, I don't really want to take it off him completely. Maybe he could put the sim into a different handset for the weekend, though it would need to be the same network wouldn't it?

Similarly arranging social things is difficult for DP too because he doesn't have any contact with any of the parents of possible friends of his DS - DS's mum does all the school runs, etc. I've been encouraging him to liaise with her over this, or direct with his DS, but it's slow-going.

Yes, I do think that physically resisting to give the phone over should have consequences in its own right. Will have to discuss this with DP.

Replacing the phone with a different one would be difficult as it was bought him by his mum/stepdad. Given we want to encourage a social life, I don't really want to take it off him completely. Maybe he could put the sim into a different handset for the weekend, though it would need to be the same network wouldn't it?

I did this with DD - her Dad bought her an all-singing, all-dancing smartphone, with internet access; as soon as she arrives here, it is left on the side in the kitchen, if she wants to check texts, she can as long as it stays in a family area of the house, but when she plays out, she takes an old basic handset with a PAYG SIM in.

As for socialising, why does it have to be through school? There are loads of weekend clubs and activities that your DP could sign him up for; my DSS goes to football club once a fortnight from here (his mum won't take him). Wilderness/outdoor activities are considered beneficial for DC's with gaming addictions - what about some form of cadet/disciplined youth activities? You could initially reward his attendance with gaming time - but it won't take long for him to settle in with a group of friends and get involved, I'm sure

Thanks - yes there are lots of things for kids to do where we live - but I fear that getting him to do stuff would be an uphill battle. He really isn't good at socialising and is about the most unsporty kid I've ever met. A friend suggested Warhammer as a popular pursuit for nerdy kids - I've suggested this to DP, but at 13 it's not easy to just sign him up for something if he doesn't want to do it. I'm wondering whether there's anything that he and my DS (12) could do together. The new school that he's starting in September has a scouts group, but I think we'd stuggle to get him to join.

Leaving the phone in the living room's not a bad idea though - so he can check for texts if he wants (not that he actually gets many) but not use it for gaming.

But part of the problem is getting DP fully onside. He does realise there's a problem and that he needs to do more to make rules for his DS, but he's not as confident as I would be at simply enforcing rules by force. He feels that the computer and phone essentially belong to his DS and isn't quite confident in his rights to take them away. I don't think he fullly appreciates how big a problem his DS has - he says things like "all teenagers like to shut themselves in their rooms a lot. It's normal". Although he can see how different my DS is who's only a year younger - or he ought to be able to see that at least.

Purple, yet another similarity between us, your DSS sounds like my 13 yr old DSS. We are having big problems because DP is actually starting parenting him and boy oh boy does DSS not like it!

He doesn't have a gaming console at all at Mums, but does here and he will happily sit on it all day and all night if he could. I think some of it is the fact that he is denied computers at Mum's for nearly a fortnight, so he is like a caged animal let free when he comes here. I think gaming is like so many things, it's about getting the balance right. I don't mind if a child plays a lot on the console on one day if I know he will be out and about the next day for example. As long as all homework and chores are done and bedtimes are roughly adhered to at weekends, I think it's OK to let them choose how to spend their free time. It teaches them how to amuse themselves.

For me the lying and deceit is what really gets to me and makes me cross. If they lie about gaming, they will lie about anything and everything else.

I too think like you and agree some big sanctions should be put in place for the lying and deceit and would have no qualms at all in taking a gaming console away from my DS if he did such a thing, after being warned, of course.

However, we are dealing with kids who have Dads who are frightened of upsetting them and aren't confident enough to take the firm but fair approach with consequences.

I agree that maybe your DP could be a bit pro-active and physically get him out of the house to "help" with gardening or visiting relatives etc. I don't generally limit gaming time at weekends because I often have something for DS to do which naturally takes him away from the console anyway.

Do you know any of his friends, could you invite them over? How well do you get on with DP ex? Could you ask her yourself?

It's easy in a big family to let things ride because you are always busy with the other kids too, but your DP will be doing him no favours in letting him behave like this.

Thanks redhen -DP is proactive about finding something for him to do if he boots him off his computer - so much so that I think he tends to feel he can't boot him off unless he does have some quality time to spend with him (like helping with the garden, or joining in a board game). But - as you say - with a large family it's all too often the case that he's busy with the younger ones and has ended up leaving his DS1 alone for far too long.

My view is more that you boot him off first, and leave him to be bored for a while, and after that it will be much easier to engage him in doing something else. DP is coming round to agreeing with this (the setting the alarm for 5am thing has shocked him a bit I think) He needs to work on sanctions though - as he's making them up as he goes along at the moment - they'd be more effective if his DS knew what would happen.

I don't know any of his friends (or indeed whether he really has any) and don't know the ex well - might try to work on that as she doesn't seem hostile or anything, and her DP seems a nice bloke. I think when DP was married they had a very gender-typical split when he earned the money and she did everything to do with the DC's lives. His eldest (DD) has managed to get herself a very active social life with no help from anyone, but his DS1 is a very different child and I think needs a bit more help - and that's not the sort of parenting that DP is really used to doing. I've offered to run him over to a friend's house, or mind the younger ones whilst DP does to support a bit more social interaction. But making the contacts is difficult from afar.