Would this bother you?

[theredhen]

I have a little issue with my eldest step daughter who is 16.

As parents we are constantly told that children these days don't do enough reading and spend too much time in front of computers, and we should encourage reading more.

So how would you feel when you have a 16 yr old girl sprawled out on the sofa for hours on end with her nose in her book. It's the only time she will spend time with us, but will only communicate with one word answers if spoken to at best, or a "huh".

DP and I will be watching tv or chatting and she is stuck on the sofa with us, not interacting at all. She can literally be there all day and even invites her boyfriend over and then ignores him too. She has apparently told him that he has to understand she likes reading and he must learn not to talk to her.

We've been on holiday for a week and she literally has not moved from the bedroom and her books only to come and eat with us before returning.

I find it very anti social and awkward and whilst I do think that reading is a good thing, I think anything done to excess is unhealthy. She has GCSE's this week and was supposed to be revising last weekend but spent her time with her nose in a vampire book.

So am I being a big old meany or not? And if so, how do I deal with it, should we just ask her to read somewhere else? Insist she joins in on our conversations if she is sitting with us? Limit her reading time like I do screen time with my DS, although DP doesn't bother with his kids?

This was me at that age; and DD is already showing signs of similar behaviour - she's into vampires, too

I'm not too worried to be honest - I ask her to join us rather than spend time alone in her room, but will accept that she reads while sitting with us rather than converses, but we don't allow books during meals (and they are very social), or during family games/days out etc

I have withdrawn her reading privileges once, as a consequence for a major transgression - it was very effective

I know it bugs DP though - so I'm sure my tolerance is partly because of the bio link

I dont think it makes a difference whether they are reading on or an a computer - it is still bloody annoying!... My son will sit in his room on his Xbox all day if I let him. If I say to him come and sit with us in the lounge - he will but he will bring his laptop! He doesn't really watch evening TV so otherwise I'd never get him downstairs. In my view as long as he's in the room with us - its a kind of interaction so I'm sort of happy with that... Probably not much help... Is there a way you can maybe find something that she will want to watch on TV as a family so she will put the book down? or rent a film once a week - perhaps let her pick it? (it will probably something like Twilight!!)...

I was another one that was similar at that age. I would be inclined not to make a big deal of it, as long as she dragging her nose out of her book at meal times. Maybe try and arrange some family trips out to get her to join in and socialise with you? I don't think you can really force her to join in your conversation when she is just relaxing at home, that would just cause resentment. At least she is with you in body, rather than shut away in her room, if not in mind!

This was me at her age and my dd 14 has similar tendencies tbh she sits downstairs with us in the evening and that's all I ask. I don't allow books on a day out or at mealtimes. I try to get her to read a variety though she reads vampire stuff but Jane eyre etc as well. My ds 4 is rarely seen without a book either so I think they are copying me...... personally it doesn't bother me so long as she at least sits downstairs but I'm probably influenced. By the fact I was just the same at her age.

I would leave her alone but make it clear that her presence was required at the table at mealtimes minus book. 16 is a funny age. I spent hours in my room painting and drawing. The last thing I wanted to do was interact with my parents. Think female version of Kevin the Teenager...

I still get teased in our family for the time we went on driving holiday round Ireland and I read TLOTR - " We went to Ireland and Inca missed it!" Balance is key here eg, "Finish that chapter and then we are all going to do x".

I too was like this at that age. Reading was my total escape, it still is, but I intentionally limit myself so that I get other things done.

I don't think its unreasonable to limit her reading time, but perhaps if she is still doing it in the living room its not that bad. Reading when her boyfriend is over is pretty rude though so I would have a word with her about that.

One thing I think you should be very aware of is that with exams coming up, she is very likely to be reading instead of revising. I used to put my reading book inside my text book and get away with it . So I would (get your DP to) take away her book when it's time to revise and say a time when she gets it back in order to allow her to unwind. There are no points at GCSE for knowing lots about vampires....

Thanks for the comments. I'm more if a reader than dp so I think he struggles with it more than I do.

And to be fair, perhaps I would feel less uncomfortable if it was my ds doing it than dsd.

I'll just try and accept it, we already don't allow it at the dinner table or using mobiles. Although I notice she seems perfectly able to send hundreds of texts to her friends whilst reading but can't communicate with the people in the same room!

It woudn't bother me at all but I come from a very "read at all times" family. For me, reading is soul food and absolutely necessary.
And it never did me any harm - that I can tell anyway!

I think it is quite diffferent from gaming on computers. You're less disconnected from the rest of the household by reading (no headphones involved) and it's not addictive in the same way. I wouldn't start asking her to go to her room to read, as she'd probably choose reading over being with company, and then would be more anti-social not less. Would focus on making sure she does do the things she should be doing - joining the family for meals, any activities you decide to do together (even watching TV maybe sometimes) and revision, and then leave it to her if she wants to fill the rest of her free time with reading.

Interested that you said you had separate rules for you own DS about screen time from the steps - do you find that enforceable when they're all in the same household?

My 8 year old is a real bookworm.
He often sits reading while all the others are on the Xbox.

I think it is a good thing. I'd rather have a child who reads as it feeds their imagination and helps them with their school work - literacy etc.
I would point out that it is rude when the boyfriend is there though!!

Purple,

I will literally tell DS that he has had enough time on the computer and it's time for him to do something else now. Generally he is pretty accepting of that and mostly I've got something else for him to do anyway. The problems can arise when DS and DSS and / or DSD's are playing with him because obviously if DS comes off a console in his bedroom, I want the others to come off too. In that case, I will have a word with DP and generally he will agree and come and tell his kids to come off too.

That was me, too.

Reading was definitely my escape, my hiding place, my sedative. If I couldn't read I would tell myself stories inside my head (I did this throughout childhood and adolescence, right into early adulthood).

I still use reading to calm my anger and anxiety, and my general feeling of being over-exposed to the world.

i don't think it's any solution to stop her reading, generally, so I'd leave her be. Though I agree with others that it's legitimate to make her stop reading when she is required to engage with the rest of the family, like at mealtimes or when there are visitors.

I have an 8 yr old like that! We too have threatened her with losing reading time if she doesnt do xyz! Never thought I'd have to restrict reading time!

I remember my mum telling me off way back when after I read my library books too quickly!

How exactly would you like her to interact with the family? She is 16 after all. I agree she should put the book down where there are visitors (esp her own boyfriend ) or at mealtimes.

I'd just like her to acknowledge anyone elses presence who are literally sitting right next to her. She will literally ignore everyone for 8 hours including her own boyfriend.

After reading all the comments, I have decided that this one I will definitely let lie, there are far bigger issues to tackle.