Regrett

[Ray75]

I just wondered if any of you have feelings of regrett for the ending of your relationship with your DC father, I know this will vary on the circumstances of the split but I find I suffer with this a lot. I ended it with my ex as there was no passion (never really was) we were best mates but I had become like a mother role doing everything and getting nothing back from it. Any way my regrett comes from the desire to have back that simple life, no finance issues no bitter exes, no step children, being able to tuck my own child in bed every night, not dreading events like birthdays and Xmas and the stress being separated causes at those times and that unsatisfactory feeling that those events bring no matter what you do are not as good as they could be. If I could some up it up, my previous life was lonely and loveless but simple and easy so I was not in love but loved my life, now I'm totally in love with a man who is everything I never thought I would experience BUT I hate my life and the constant drama and the feeling this life will never be ours and will always have outside intrusion and on looking eyes.....just interested to read others thoughts. X

I could have written that myself Ray
My ex had an affair and left before ds2 was born 9 years ago.
I have no feelings for him whatsoever now but sometimes I pine for the simple life i signed up for with one mum, one dad and two dc.
Now I have DP (who I adore) who has a crazy ex wife and 2 horrors step children plus i have my 2 boys plus exs family and an ex step dd.
Wears me out just thinking about them all!

I wouldn't say I ever have any regrets at having finished the relationship with my DC's father. I am 100 times happier now than I was then.

But, I do feel sadness sometimes for the loss of a nice simple family - where we'd have the freedom to decide what to do for a holiday without having to work round so many other people's plans, where we would all live under the same rules all the time, that we'd evolved together, and where I could sit back in the evenings and share my enjoyment of my DC with the other person who loves them the most in the world.

It's what I still hope for for my DC when they grow up, though most of the time I accept that it's not something I'll ever have, and that what I will have will bring different challenges and different pleasures and is on balance a much happier life for all of us than what I would have had personally if I'd stayed with my ex.

Yes, I can also relate to that. I look at friends who have never separated and think how simple life is for them. I regret that my dc's don't have the normal life of siblings however they don't seem to be phased by it. I don't regret leaving the ex as it was something I had to do.

At times I hate my life because of the difficulties with dh's ex but it isn't the same for dh as he my ex is reasonable. I often wonder what I would do if I did have a crystal ball all those years ago..would I have bailed??

Yes. It's the dc I feel for. Ds1 remembers when me and his dad lived together and ds2 doesn't know any different. Don't know what is worse tbh.

Yes me too Kaluki, the guilt I carry that I have robbed him of a normal family life eats at me and I wonder if I will ever get over that, or that this guilt is what is actually stopping me embracing my life now with the man I love!

I don't think you should feel guilty. You've not robbed him of a perfect idealised family life, only an unhappy one with parents who didn't love each other. My ex's parents stayed together in a loveless marriage and I think they did far more damage to both their children's ability to be in a loving relationship. Now your DS will get to see what adults treat each other like when they do love each other.

Had a lovely conversation with my DS about his new complicated family the other week. DS is 12 and I split from his dad when he was 4 - so he does have some memories. I said something about in an ideal world everyone would grow up with their mum and their dad together, blah, blah, blah, but DS interupted me quite firmly and said that no he did not agree, and that he likes my DP, he likes having a SM and his new half brother (his dad's) and he likes the new step-siblings that he's getting and thinks his life is better than a boring family with just two parents and two kids That did make me smile.

Purple, I've had a similar discussion and it surprised me that the dc's aren't concerned. They have stability and they like the people in their lives. As they have got older they enjoy confusing friends with the complexities (half siblings, step siblings!).

Ray, I do think that time helps - I used to feel like that but genuinely don't have guilt, some regret that I chose my first partner when I was too young but I can't change that decision.

I know ehat you mean Ray. Although I don't regret splitting with my XH life is definately more complicated now. I am due to get married next year so entering the step parenting world. My DS who is 11 doesn't like to feel 'different' from his friends as none of their parents have split up. Saying that I am alot happier now but worry that it is at my DC's and to some degree XH's cost.

I feel this all the time. DH and I are so happy together as a couple but I can't help but think back to the happy times with my ex too, when I didn't have all the complications of DH's extremely awkward ex. Her choices and actions impact on so much of my life and I barely know the woman.

DD seems blissfully unaffected by my split with her father (we have kept things very amicable) and adores her stepdad and step and half brothers. If anything, I feel more guilt towards XH who took a long time to get over our split, hasn't yet met someone new and has had to watch his DD become hugely attached to a 'replacement' dad. I couldn't deal with that myself and it still breaks my heart that he has to.