I'm new to SP-ing and new to this board - please help!

[LeNameChange]

Who said life was going to be easy, eh? Didn't we all think that we'd get married, have children and live happily ever after?

But my reality is that I have a DS (4), a soon-to-be XH, a new DP. And a DP who has 3 children with his ex at that. We've been together 6 months and are starting to think about introducing our kids to each other, the future and so on.

Where the blazes do I start? What's the right thing to do?
How on earth is DS going to feel about 3 other children?
How does one decide when it's time to move in with a new DP when you both have kids?
How are his DCs going to feel about the fact that he'll probably end up spending more time with my DS than them overall?

I feel like running for the hills, save that I love DP very much and he is a fundamentally good human being and I want this to work, very much.

Please start me on the SP road...

Congratulations

If you only read one book, then I recommend "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin, which is a realistic look at how you might feel in a step-parenting role and why it will be a lot harder for you than your DP.

There are lots of guidance websites out there - I particularly like The Centre for Separated Families, but there are lots of others as well.

Constant communication has been the key for us, along with very clear boundaries which we know are non-negotiable to each other - so I wouldn't move in with DP until he had sorted out a contact order, for instance, because it was distressing for DD to have the contact arrangements with DSC cancelled at short notice. Similarly, DP was honest about how he felt about my reaction to my exH irrational behaviour - and I sought counselling to deal with it.
We discussed how we wanted to parent together with each other before we made firm commitments to each other - so any major differences were ironed out beforehand.

We have sought as much help as we can - been to parenting workshops and classes together, met with family support workers, talked to teachers, social workers and other professionals to try and understand as much as we can about how DC's may be feeling and reacting in different situations. We're still a new blended family - we have only been living together for 18 months, so we've a long way to go yet, and because children are always growing, there will always be a new challenge!

We've never done anything that we are not both in 100% agreement about; so just because a book says so, or everyone else thinks it should be done a particular way, we don't go ahead and do it regardless - we weigh up whether we think it will work for us first.

Good luck!

Hello. I'm a bit further down the road than you - been with DP for just over two years and about to move in together. We have 6 DC between us. To answer your questions - we introduced the kids after around 4 months. We had each met each other's kids by then and felt it would be best not to leave it too much longer as it would have placed the kids in the position of seeing other children (who were complete strangers to them) being obviously already friends with their own parent - which we thought would be difficult for them. So best to let everyone get to know each other. It did feel really strange at first - the kids were awkward around each other, and my DD tried to show off by being silly which she does when she's nervous. We took them out to a park the first couple of times, but then started to visit at each others houses, which soon started to feel more natural. And it really wasn't long before they started racing upstairs to play like any other friend on a playdate.

Have you told your DS about your new BF's kids? Or his about your DS? The reactions we got from our lot when we first told them about the existance of the other lot varied from absolute delight ("When can I go an play at their house?") to sulking and hostility. But our younger ones (aged 7 ) were generally most enthusiastic.

In terms of timing to move in - it wasn't easy figuring out when. We did give some thought as to whether to keep separate houses for many years, but this wasn't what either of us really wanted. We waited until the kids seemed relaxed and happy around each other, and have spent a lot of time all together at weekends and the kids do interact, romp around and squabble together much like siblings. We've agreed a while back that we wanted to live together, but have firmed up the timing and told the kids only quite recently. We're lucky that we're very nearby so there's no change of school or anything required. We have had a lot of conversations about everything though - there is a huge amount of kind of family culture/rules/ways of doing things that each household has so we've been trying to agree on any necessary changes in house rules beforehand, especially the ones that the DC are likely to be annoyed by (reduced computer time and earlier bedtimes for his DC, greater tidyness and respect of personal property by mine). We've also done a couple of holidays together which give you a chance to feel out what it's like living all together.

I'm in the same situation as you in that my kids will be with us in the week, but DP's DC are at their mum's all week. I've tried to downplay it by pointing out that by the time DP gets home from work it will be nearly the kids' bedtime, but they are aware aware that they'll be other kids living with their dad when they're not there. DP's DD2 (11) is a bit sad about this (though hugely enthusiasitc about the move overall) and has been saying she'd like to live with us full time. This isn't really practical but DP has been reassuring her that she'll be with us lots (every weekend) and that she has her own life and friends at her mum's. They've also all got into skyping recently so all our DC are chatting away most evenings regardless of what houses they're in which is rather nice.

What a roller coaster ride you are on now! I am almost 3 years in and its definitely been up and down. I would say that this forum on Mumsnet has been so helpful. Whether you're posting or whether you just read through other posts makes you realise you are not on your own.

I have been with my DH for four years and living together for 1.5; we have a DD together and I have two teenage DSCs who live with us fulltime.

Maybe it just suits my personality - but like NADM, I am a big believer in research and getting help! DH and I went to couple's counselling before we moved in together, to tackle the issues around parenting and my concerns about living with his DSCs. I did a ton of reading, and still do. I thought the book Stepcoupling was very useful; there is also an 'Idiot's Guide' to stepparenting which had good practical advice. DH and I also spend a lot of time talking through issues...sometimes it feels like it has become my biggest job and my biggest time investment, just working through this stuff, and that is exhausting, but we have made good progress because we do talk and strategize together.

I cannot thank all of you enough for taking the time to get back to me on this. I will read all the books and get as much help as I can. Couples counselling sounds a bit full on, but you're right, it might be a really good idea in a bit for sure.
No, we haven't introduced the children at all yet. They each know that they exist, and I have met his DCs and he has met my DS, but we haven't taken that step yet. His older 2 are much older than my DS and it may be a bit odd...
It makes me sigh in my heart, it really does. But you're right about support, reading and this thread. I'll make it! See you on here before too long, I'm sure....

Well if you feel like running for the hills now, brace yourself because you are in for a bumpy ride!!!

Take things at your own pace and dont rush into anything.
The main thing I wish I had done (and didnt) is watch how he behaves with his kids, is he a disney dad or does he discipline them? If his parenting style differs from yours then there may be problems as this will affect your ds too when he sees the others getting different treatment.

This board has helped a lot - its nice to see that I'm not the only one in this boat so keep posting (and ignore the flamings from non step parents!)
Good luck

before I moved in with DP, I used to talk to him about values and ways to bring up kids, he sat there and agreed with me on everything and I thought things were going to be so lovely and easy.

What I should have done was to ask him to implement some changes in his routines and behaviours with his kids BEFORE I moved in. Then I could have really seen where his values laid. He wants to do the right thing, but is actually too scared to do so.

So my son and I end up living in his world, by his rules (or lack of them) and feeling overwhelmed a lot of the time.

What I am trying to say is that talking is all well and good, but actions are what really count and you need to make changes to routines before you live together.

In answer to your other questions though;

Your DS may well love to have 3 playmates, my son does like having company and it does take the pressure off you to be their "entertainer".

As for how his kids feel, I think it's very important for your DP to spend time alone with his own kids once you all live together. It also means that you get some much missed one to one time with your DS.

What I am trying to say is that talking is all well and good, but actions are what really count and you need to make changes to routines before you live together.

so true! I told my DH I would not move in to a new home with him until I saw changes already happening. He introduced a jobs rota and new rules with the kids and began the admittedly slow and incoomplete process of 'de-disneyfying.'

It still has been an uphill battle, but having some sense of momentum before we were all living together made a big difference and made it a bit easier to present a united front.

(Actually, I wish I had been able to wait a bit longer, and see more evidence of change, but decided that finances were too tight to justify keeping two households. IF I had it to do over, though...maybe.)

I read a quote that said step parenting is the toughest job that 2 parents can do and I really think you need exceptional communication skills or exceptional luck. Hoping you have both!

What is the situation like with his ex? That can make a major difference, if he has a co-operative ex it's likely you can work through challenges with the SC.
Are all the finances resolved with his ex? Does he have a formal contact order?

What are your parenting values? Don't assume that you will both parent the same..If you move in together who disciplines ds? What does he do if/when your ds misbehaves? How old are his dc's? Has their dad had a previous partner or are you the first post separation ?

How would you manage practically? do you have sufficient room, car etc or will your ds be asked to share rooms?

I've been on the step parenting road for 11 years and hindsight is a wonderful thing. I completely under estimated how difficult his ex was (despite her leaving dh and remarrying) and as a result DSS has been very challenging. DH & I have similar parenting values but he felt guilty about the limited time with dss so did the disney parenting thing..we did have to go to counselling to resolve those issues.

Sometimes it be highly stressy and you will wonder why you did this!! I think every step mum needs an escape fund so that they disappear for a contact weekend to rebuild energies by leaving your dp to cope bond with his dc's on his own. Plan to have a recovery fund in your budget.

I think your ds will be fine, most dc's enjoy the variety of step families (mine are very happy) and dc's are highly adaptable. What they can't deal with is conflict so if all the parents, in the equation, can be calm and reasonable then it's not really an issue.

Ah, one last point...as a mum you will be given advice and help with parenting matters BUT when you become a step mum you will assume the role of evil step mum and you will have to justify your decision to be in your dp's life. Any complaints raised by you will be met with the words "but you shouldn't have got involved with a man with kids if you don't like it"