Soooo had enough of this!

[MaryMaryOnTheContrary]

History.
Remarried 3 yrs ago. Went out for 4 yrs prior. Was nothing to do with dh's divorce....his ex had affair. He left. Get on well with two of dh's kids. They're 24 and 22. Youngest is 18. Always been resentful of me but we dh and I, worked hard to help her, made allowances, tried.

Last year, we had to tackle her over two issues which were not negotiable. Dh and I have remained true to our "issue" whilst trying to maintain contact and reassure her, that she's still loved/welcome etc.

It's coming up on 11 months now. Sd is adamant that SHE WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH DAD BECAUSE OF ME. Dh supports me, as he knows she just dislikes me and I've done nothing, ever, to warrant this.

He misses her, obviously. He's said he won't do "separate" contact ie, "I'll meet with you dad, but she can't come/mustn't be mentioned". This is what sd wants. I'm now at the stage where, I don't want to be a part of this bad feeling/unreasonable control by his daughter. But, he says, if he agrees to only EVER see her with her stipulated guarantee that she doesn't have to be reminded of my existence then, she has "won".

I'm sick to death of it.

It's a mess. What would you do?

I think your DH is right TBH, you are a major part of his life, why should you be whitewashed out of it? What do your other DSC think of this? Would they be able to talk to her about it, make her realise you are not Cruella deVil?

It's difficult because I get on well with the other two, especially his eldest daughter. Youngest sd has now resorted to telling blatant lies about the situation, and eldest sd has said, her accusation didn't happen/isn't true.....as she was there!

They have talked to her but there's no movement. I am apparently responsible for a personality change in their father (that only youngest sd can see) and his subsequent abandonment of his "children". Laughable this, if it weren't so sad. One of the most attractive things to me, about dh, even before I married him, is his love and support of his kids. He loves and supports my child too..... He is a good man.

But, he's missing them. His eldest live "away" and youngest won't see him.

Could you perhaps make more invitations to all 3 DSC? If they live away then sadly that's going to be the same as any family with grown up children. It is so sad, but I don't think that him giving in to a childish tantrum is going to help.

I know it's a long shot as I don't know your situation, but could DHs ex have a word?

Dh and ex don't speak. Ever. She was very upset that he'd remarried....her affair didn't work out for her and dh had the audacity to move on. It took him years, by the way, but he got ther.

At Xmas, we arranged to ALL meet up locally to do a spot of Christmas shopping and have a lovely lunch together. Youngest sd dipped out when she realised ALL meant me too.

Ah. Could I ask what the issues were? I don't suppose it really matters though if you would rather not say.

Could he meet her once on his own, explain calmly and clearly how he sees the situation, how sad and upset he is that she refuses to accept you. That he isn't prepared to accept that etc etc and see what happens from there?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, this SP malarkey isn't a lot of fun sometimes is it :(

actually I disagree with the majority, given her age, I really dont see how it would do any harm for him to meet with her alone, he doesnt need to talk about you at first, someone needs to break the stalemate and you and he are the adults.

Why would you want to spend time with her anyway?

I think it might be best if you can gently encourage your DH to meet you SD alone for a while, he probably feels a little stuck in the middle wants to be loyal to you but desperately misses her. Could he not meet her every few weeks for lunch or something like that. Yes, she is an adult but a very young one, probably had her head filled with rubbish from her own mum, but she still needs her father.

I would definitely encourage my DH to do this if my SC didnt want to see me (unfortunately they do so Im stuck with them all the time love them really!)

Very good point WHATNAME. Actually, she's been so dreadful that I won't be able to do what I have in the past ie, wiped the slate clean, given her reassurance that we can all get on. I always encouraged her and dh to do stuff "just the two of them" as I did with his other two. But, it feels very different when you're disliked because you're just resented as a person and the sd states flatly, that she doesn't wish to be reminded of your existence so, unless "wickedstepmum" stays home, sd won't see her dad.

Dh did meet with her, over a month ago and he did say he'd missed her but that sd was wrong to behave toward me, as she did, that it was unfounded and that it wouldn't be "had". Sd has refused contact since. She wants him to choose, I guess. But, she's been doing it since she was 12. At 18, it's time something changed for the better.

There's also the future to consider. When they're all married and there's grandkids.... Special occasions.....will dh be made to choose then? "we want you there dad, but don't bring her". It's already happened twice when I was put into an impossible position and so as not to upset things, I bowed out as gracefully as I could.

Mary, don`t worry about the future at the moment, a lot can happen before then! Anyone would be terribly upset by being treated the way you are, I would. However, this is for your DH and SD to work out, she needs to know that you are in his life and staying in his life, but, he and her can still have a relationship. Its not ideal, no, but it leaves the door open for the future.

It horrible, but she does`nt have to like you, but she does need a relationship with her father, as long as he lets her know that he is there when she needs him he can do know more.

I can see things from both sides of the coin, both being a daughter and not liking my Fathers partner and now being a Stepmum to two stepdaughters.

My Dad would never see me on his own without her there, I did not want him on his own all the time just missed that special bond we had which she seamed to be destroyed by her presence. I was a simular age to your DSD. I cut ties with my Dad and unfortunately he died. We did make peace before he passed but I am left with an ever ending feeling of guilt of the pain I caused him.

Fastward 14yrs I am now a Stepmum to two teenage girls (have been with their Dad 8yrs) Because of the experience I had with my Dad and his partner I am very much aware of the importance of that special time a girl has with her Dad without SM there. I would hate my DSD to ever go through the emotions I had to and still go through.

Is there anyway your DH will compromise and meet with his daughter on his own sometimes and together with you at other times? At 18 she is still a child who needs her Dad, if he continues to insist that you all meet together she will only dislike you more as she will see you as taking her Dad away from her. If your DH agrees it would go along way to improving your and hers relationship if the new arrangement came from you, she will then see that you are not trying to take her Dad away. At 18 it is not about a family unit which meeting altogether portrayes, it's about her and her Dad.

Scrap my last response just read your other replies (sorry should have read before) see you have tried all that.

Not sure what to suggest as the girl seams hell bent on your relationship distruction. I never wanted to destroy my Dads relationship so have no experience of what she is feeling or what can be done to resolve it.

Unfortunately I think only time and maturity will resolve this whilst showing her that whatever she does will not effect your relationship with her Dad.

I don't think it's you personally, it would be anyone with her Dad she would have an issue with.