DSS wanting to call me "mummy"...help!

[spg1983]

Sorry, this is long, didn't want to drip-feed.

DSS is 6, DH and I have been together since DSS was approx 18 months old. We have an excellent relationship and I also get on really well with his mum. I know she found it really hard at first and still has moments where she finds it difficult but we've always been open and honest about our feelings and have never had any issues. She's engaged to a lovely man and we often all have meals and spend time together with DSS.

We have DSS every weekend, fri-sun evening and half of each school holiday so probably quite a lot compared to many step-families. I have no children so he is alone when he comes to us and this is my first experience of parenting.

Here's the problem...DSS will often accidentally call me 'mum' and then correct himself. I don't correct him because (a) he ALWAYS corrects himself straightaway and (b) I don't want to seem like I'm criticising/rejecting him by jumping in with 'I'm not your mum!'

Anyway, last week he did this but then said 'actually, can I call you mummy as well?'. I immediately thought of his mum who would be absolutely gutted if she even knew he'd asked and I said that she was his mummy as she'd made him and carried him in her tummy - referring back to an earlier conversation we'd had. I also said that everyone only has one mummy but I really like looking after him and even though I often did the same things as his mummy, it wasn't fair on her as she will always be his one and only mummy.

I found it really hard and was trying to get the message across that I love him so much but his mum would be so hurt if she knew he'd even asked that question. We made a joke saying he could maybe make up his own special name for me as long as it wasn't anything like 'stinky' or something like that!

I really really hope I did the right thing, both for him and his mum. He was really insistent on calling me mum and it was so hard to let him down. I know it was the right thing to do though. But...is there anything more I should do? Or a better way to explain it to him? Or was that ok? Help please!!!!

that sounds like a great reaction! i agree you definitely should not let him call you mum - thats confusing and very unfair on his mother - a new name sounds a lovely idea

I think you're absolutely right, my SS's use a NN for me that no-one else uses, so it's special between us, but nothing like mummy.

I think you did the right thing. Something very similar happened to me this weekend, when my DPs daughter who at 8 is old enough not to say this sort of thing... said "I wish that you were my mum as well as mummy".

I went with my gut instinct and said pretty much the same thing as you did... "you can only have one mum, why on earth would you want me as a mum? (and then listed a whole ream of things that (in her eyes) will make her mum a better mum than i could ever be). I finished it off by saying that I loved her very much and that she'd always be my favourite ever minirosei (first name) and that I hoped I'd always be her favourite origami

I don't know if it was the right or wrong thing to do but I do know that it felt right at the time! (I consider myself lucky to be loved by her and I hope that as she grows up she continues to love me).