Sigh - things have gone backward with DSS again

[NotaDisneyMum]

DP had the chance to take part in a cycling competition today, leaving me in sole care for DSS for an hour, at the start/finish line, where we looked at the stalls, had a hot chocolate and marshmallows etc.

But, even in that short time, DSS completely ignored a simple request from me (to please wash his hands after using the toilet before we ate) and then deliberately lied to my face, repeatedly, about it He was anxious, uncomfortable and generally twitchy all the while his Dad was out of sight.

We thought we'd managed to get past his lack of respect for me, and things were starting to get better, which is why DP and I thought that just an hour with me would be OK, but clearly not.

I'm starting to think that we will never be able to undo the conditioning that his mum exposed him to (she used to tell him to ignore me and that he was visiting to see his Dad, so he should never be with me on my own). Even though we think she has stopped now, the damage has been done, and I don't think we'll ever function as a single unit - DP will always have to be available to be responsible for DSS, even for short periods of time

"He'll never be able to help with food prep again....." Honestly OP, you are being a little hysterical here.

Had I said that then yes, I would agree with you, I could be considered hysterical - but no-where have typed what you have quoted.

I cannot, however, trust him to help in the kitchen without supervising his hand-washing. Asking him to wash his hands and expecting him to do it is, I have learned from this thread, unrealistic.
I thought (wrongly) that at his age, I could expect him to be trusted to do this. My experience is limited to DD and her class peers; who at the same age, were more self sufficient.

DP and I will continue to supervise DSS closely when he wishes to help in the kitchen and with personal hygiene issues generally - what I'm struggling with is how we get from the situation we are in now where DSS he is capable but unwilling to take personal responsibility, to a situation where he will, and how long that will take.

I can't tell you how long it will take (given that mine is at the same age and stage of personal responsibility) but I would just continue with prompting, and natural consequences (I actually think no handwashing = no cooking is a great consequence, it's very direct and related to the issue at hand iyswim, it teaches him why handwashing is important) and you may find things come gradually. DS1 has a habit of suddenly doing something unprompted when I've been badgering encouraging him to do it for months, like hanging his coat up when he comes in for example.

Goodness lucky you. My DSS still throws his coat on the floor when he comes in. Not to mention leaving his plate on the table for the fairies to clear up.

Oh he still leaves his shoes in the middle of the living room, his laundry scattered all over his room, the toilet unflushed and rubbish wherever he happens to be sitting at the time. Small steps

How different they all are. My 3yo is pretty good at flushing/picking stuff up and puts his shoes where they should go in the hall.

Oh he still leaves his shoes in the middle of the living room, his laundry scattered all over his room, the toilet unflushed and rubbish wherever he happens to be sitting at the time.

But what do you do about these things? Nag? Ignore? Implement consequences when caught? Explain repeated why they should be done?

I know it sounds daft, but I'm at a loss to know how best to deal with these issues with someone elses child who I only spend short periods of time with!

Drawing on my own experience as a child, I think what stopped me from doing was things was most likely the very clear understanding that they were simply not acceptable. My mother just would not have tolerated this, and I think she was right.

So rather than every single last action being pulled up, I think it's more the 'tone' or 'culture' that the parents set in terms of expectations. If this doesn't exist, then of course it will be nagging each and every time something happens, which isn't helpful imo.

The problem you've got though is that as a SM, it's not as easy for you to create this culture of what is and what is not ok in your home.

If I think back to school, there was a range of teachers of course. Some were softer more relaxed, and some were stricter. Obviously children come to learn what they can get away with, with who. The likely result in my experience was that children messed around for the soft teachers, and were better behaved for the stricter teachers. So actually, the stricter teachers didn't end up needing to shout or tell children off every 5 mintues.

So rather than every single last action being pulled up, I think it's more the 'tone' or 'culture' that the parents set in terms of expectations.

Funnily enough, I think there is a tone in our house in some respects - for instance, DSS admitted some months ago that he jumps up and down on his mums sofa if he thinks she won't catch him, but when DP asked him if he did the same here, he indignantly denied it (I can tell when he's lying), and when he was asked why not, said "well, it's different here, just look at it".
So, all we need to do is work out how to extend that to other aspects of his behaviour - sounds simple, eh!?!?

Haha, yes, I suppose so!

NADM, I have the struggles with ds on similar issues and I think it's much more of a boy thing (especially after 2 girls who were mature and independent) than a step parenting issue. Ds also has a preference for male company and doesn't like to be grouped with the 'girls' . I know not all boys are like this but ds's behaviour was a surprise to us and certainly feels more nature than nurture.

Hi, I don't think your expectations that he should be able to do it are too high, but I do think kids are programmed to kick against adults and they also lie, so I would say your expectations that he will always willingly comply are too high. I have found it so hard when my DSS doesn't do as he should, because I don't know what is normal 8yo trying to test boundaries and what is I want to get at my SM. This is the insecurity minefield I think, because being a SM just makes it so much more worrisome sometimes.

I have found it so hard when my DSS doesn't do as he should, because I don't know what is normal 8yo trying to test boundaries and what is I want to get at my SM.

Yes, Yes, Yes - THIS is my problem - it's exactly my issue!

He has been primed to ignore me, and we've been to hell and back due to the conflict he has felt about me - but now, I can't tell whether he is ignoring/disregarding me because I am his SM, or because he is an 8 year old boy.

The replies on this thread suggest that it may be more 8 year old boy behaviour than rebellion against SM behaviour, but because of what we've been through, that doubt (and occasionally the behaviour) will always be there, I think.

I think that is entirely understandable, given all that has happened and the way his mum is. It's hell isn't it. If it is any consolation to know you're not alone, DSS has just gone totally wonky this evening... again!