BIG issues with DS/DH - long post....sorry.

[TooMuchJD]

My 2nd marriage is at breaking point, cld do with impartial but informed advice.
Married to DH2 for 4yrs, together for 5yrs. Have DS from prev marriage, he was 7 when DH2 became his SD. Sees his dad once a fortnight. I left prev marriage due to him being a bully & didn't want this influence on DS. Messy divorce & lot of emotional baggage. Single for 2 yrs b4 mtg DH2 so have v close, protective relationship with DS. Initially DH2 was reluctant to get involved with parenting DS but was after DD came along I felt it would be better if they were treated the same but has not worked out as I anticipated.
I have felt that DH2 has been too harsh with DS and nitpicked a lot initially was supportive but quickly became defensive about it to the point where its all come to a head and DH2 no longer wants any parenting role with DS. We argue constantly over the best way to deal with things, discipline mainly, he feels I let him get away with too much & I feel hes too controlling and consequences driven.
We now have DS2 together as well as DD and so far our parenting of them has been more cohesive.
I feel responsible for the issues with DS & DH2 as i pushed the issue but found I was unable to accept the outcome.
We are in relationship counselling for the 2nd time & our relationship is at breaking point. DH2 is very resentful of DS and says he is spoilt & treated as the untouchable golden child. DS is mainly oblivious to this and does occassionally exhibit spoilt behaviour. I feel torn between supporting DH2 as sometimes he is right but I don't agree with the way he goes about dealing with issues, bit heavy handed, and instintively defending DS from the critisism.
I'm sure there's other stuff but post already long. Anyone been through anything similar?

I have 3 sons, DS1 and DS2 are my ex husbands sons and DS3 is my DP's child. There is a subtle but noticeable difference in the way my DP acts with my first 2 than our child.

He will wind up DS2, constantly nitpicking, comments (not nasty but intent on getting a reaction), DS2 cant let anything drop and will argue till his last breath, DP will then have a go at him for shouting but doesnt seem to realise that if he doesnt wind him up in the first place then he wouldnt be shouting.

If DS1 leaves his bath towel dumped outside his bedroom door DP goes on and on about him being lazy but DP leaves his wet towels dumped on my side of the bed . If I am telling off DS1 or DS2 then DP will jump in and have a go at them also but wont with DS3 just leaves me to it.

DP is not nasty to DS1 or DS2 but there is a difference in his parenting styles and it gets right on my tits sometimes.

I cant offer any advice on your situation but I do intervene more now "DP, stop winding him up" or "I am dealing with it, you are not helping" etc etc. But the irony of it all is that DS3 has an appalling attitude and can be a little shit and has had me in tears before which the other 2 have never done.

Thanks for the reply Vodka
Its now at the point where I feel I am being made to chose between DS1 & DH. He has shouted at DS1 today because he feels DS1 talks down to the two younger ones when he asks them to do something. Well he says that DS1 should not ask them to do anything, not even flush the toilet, as its not DS1's place to do that. I argue that he is being ridiculous and petty. He says he's not, he feels he's being ignored and that I am not backing him up. (Some of this was in front of the younger ones and within earshot of DS1)
Can't see a way forward to this. As I parent my instinct is to protect and educate my children so that they grow up into well rounded, confident adults. Everything DH is doing at the moment goes completely against this in my eyes. Its more about control& dominance rather than parenting.

I do feel for you TooMuchJD it is really hard to please everyone. DS1 can be bossy to the younger 2 and tell them what to do, I just tell him that i am the parent and I am dealing with it.

Have you tried to tell your DH to back off and leave the discipline to you? not to undermine your DH but to assert some control back into the situation? It is hard, but DP tends to leave the bollockings to me unless they have really overstepped the mark. But telling your DS1 off for "talking down" to the other 2 is ridiculous, siblings always talk to each other like poo, and unless is was a swear filled rant then your DH is out of line.

But if your gut reaction is that your DH is doing it out of control and dominance then he probably is which wont benefit your DS1, how old is your DS1? Is he going into his teens and testing boundaries?

But if i was ever in your situation then I would choose the children, and I really dont envy you, unless your DH has a change of parenting it looks like you could be having to make the decision

DS1 is just 12 and in Year 7 at high school. He is a straight A student, loves school, generally well behaved and good mannered, doesn't get into trouble with friends etc. has chores at hime which he does without complaining. Generally he's a good kid. He can be self centred at times but if I pull him up about it he apologises. The two younger ones (aged 18mths & 3 yrs) both adore him and on the whole they interact really well (he winds DD up sometimes and she is not one to back down). He's just a normal pre-teen boy who doesn't always think things through before he does them, a bit dopey.
DH's critisism started initially because he was a noisy eater. DS1 has made efforts to concentrate and slow down his eating but he has probs with his overbite and loose teeth so some weeks were better than others. this just escalated to the point where he prefered to take his meals at a different time to DH. I backed son, DH felt I was making excuses and that he was just doing it to be defiant. I am adament that this is not the case as its just not in his nature to be like that.
For me personally I feel its all due to the fact that he has a different father and DH still cannot get to grips with the issue of me having been married before. He feels that our relationship suffers due to my past issues with the ex regardless of how much I tell him that this is not the case. DS1 Is paying for the perceived sins of his father.
Or maybe I'm just being dramatic. If I thought DS1 was being a shit I would tell him so but I don't feel that he is.

You have my sympathies as this is a difficult problem to solve. Does your ds see his dad? Is your dp involved in other parenting areas, i.e going to school evening etc?

Step parenting is relentless without the parental benefits so I wonder if your dh feels disconnected from your ds, i.e it's all hard work and no positives.

I would however be similar to you - a protective lioness and I would struggle to support my dh if I felt he was too harsh to my dc's. I wish I had the answer, but do stick with the counselling. My dh & I did have similar issues a few years ago and we did get through it.

Generally I think teen years are difficult to parent, I found at times I might be too harsh with my dd or too laid back. Then I would implement a sanction and think I didn't get it right! If you put 2 parents in the mix, one who is the step parent it is even more difficult.

DS1 Is paying for the perceived sins of his father. I think you've hit the nail on the head there TooMuchJD. It would seem your DH resents your DS for existing because you were married before. I have to say in this situation my instinct would be to kick DH to the curb. He's being incredibly petty and immature for a grown man.

Honestly as your DS grows into a teenager this is going the create more problems and possibly alienate your poor DS. All things your DH is angry at him for are just normal kid stuff. My dd2 drives me nuts with the way she eats and I may have been known to shout about it. But never to the point were she would feel she has to eat at a different time (although she is only 5).

There are things that if my dds were doing I would tell them off in a heartbeat, but if it was DSD (depending on the magnitude of course) I would bite my tongue as I wouldn't want her to feel I was getting at her. I have always been far more tolerant with DSD than I am with my own dds.

DH is soon to become Ex DH2.
He has decided that he can no longer tolerate my terrible attitude towards him. He came to this decision because I hollered at him for having a slanging match with a male driver on the way home from work today. I was driving, he was the passenger and i had the two youngest children in the car. He felt it was fine to shout & swear across me through the open window when the driver didn't give way passing parked cars. I asked what he would have done if the other block had decided to get out & he said he would have hithim, in front of the kids!!! I told him it was really irresponsible not to mention dangerous. Didn't speak for the rest of the journey, couldn't understand why I was angry,as soon as we gat homehe was in my face shouting, bawling & calling me some choice names, all in front of the kids who were terrified. I took them straight back out and stayed at my parents until he left the house.

He came back when they were in bed and has clarified that he is leaving but won't be for another month as he needs to sort somewhere out. He wasn't very polite about it.

DD was scared to come home . Wanted to stay with Nana. Am thinking that this split is for the best.

I do feel for you OP, sadly this sort of thing happens all too often with step fathers. They have a strange attitude towards stepsons more often than not, leaving the poor kids and the mum between a rock and a hard place.

OP- so sorry it has ended like this for you

I disagree with star, there are lots of fantastic stepdads out there, including one for your DS when you're ready

Really hard at the moment. Part of me is really sad and disappointed that it has ended this way but another part of me is relieved which I feel guilty as hell about.

In limbo at the mo.