How to support him?

[ThoseArentSpiritFingers]

This is my first ever venture over here, spent a while in chat and AIBU, even though I'm not a parent, not really sure how I came across mumsnet, but love it.

But new dp has a 4yr old daughter. We've only been together a month, I havnt meet the daughter yet, but it's starting to be discussed for the near future. It's something he takes very seriously which I totally respect.

But I have however had to support him in issues surrounding his ex and her new man. They are at the point where he is going to meet my dps daughter soon, and this is bothering my dp. As he said himself, this guy is going to see more of his daughter than he will. I don't know how to answer or support this, because put like that, it's heartbreaking.

And it's now reaching the point where lawyers are going to get involved to do with access, which is something he never wanted to have to do with his daughter, saying that it's hard on a hold to have to deal with set court ordered days.

Having no experience with children, never mind custody battles, how can I support him through this? Any things to avoid sayings ping or saying? It doesn't help that he seems to think I'm going to realise I've taken too much on and leave him, I keep on telling him I knew the situation I was getting into, but he doesn't seem to believe that im going to stick around.

Sorry for the mammoth post, I have no-one really to talk about stuff like this with, my friends wouldn't understand the issue with his daughter, and my mum isn't very supportive ofthe fact that uk with someone who has a child (whole other thread...), so it's not something I can really discuss with her either.

Hi, don't know how much help I can be but one thing I would say is that your DP won't be able to control what his x does with her new DP, I have given up trying to argue with my xh about introducing our Dc's to a new woman and her children every few months but I can't keep having the same fight as long as they don't seem too traumatised.
One thing I would do is get him to discuss what DSD will call you and her mothers new bf, ie you would be Aunty Drivingalong... while the new bloke would be Uncle New bloke thus setting you both on the same footing and not muddling any parenting roles.
The other thing would be to ensure that any time she spends with you is set out as being DP and DSD with you added on, what I mean is that if you and DP were going to take her to the cinema DP could say "We are going to the cinema and Aunty Drivingalong would like to come along" this would put her at the centre rather than being a third wheel to you and DP. She will need a lot of Dad time as she comes to terms with both her parents having new relationships.
Can't be much help on the legal side, just listen to him, go to appointments at solicitors and make notes, remind him of anything he needs to ask etc. You can't do much to reassure him that you won't break up with him, you haven't been together very long so the relationship may run its course with no connection to the DSD situation
Good luck x

Hi there, welcome to the SP board!

I am going to separate my advice into three sections - your relationship, the custody battle/issues with ex, and his daughter.

Your relationship - only a month old, just take it slowly. This is a man with baggage (like it or not) and you have an opportunity to get to know him, see what he is like as a parent, as an ex etc before you get in too deep. If he is a 'disney dad' or uses his kids to get at his ex (regardless of what he says about her) then run for the hills.

The custody battle/issues with ex - you can't do anything to change how badly they are going to behave to each other, but you can be kind to him, take the pressure off by understanding it is stressful and e.g. not demanding he be great fun when he will be thinking about this a lot of the time. But do not get too involved, it is his business and you are only a new girlfriend so don't get too sucked in.

His daughter - take it really slowly. Just meet her as a friend. If custody/contact is not yet sorted out then she will be going through changes and might be quite unsettled. So I would say just naturally meet her if you are ready, but a month seems very quick to me. Also no need to sort out what you 'will be called' (altho I disagree with assigning names full stop, let the kid work that sort of stuff for herself) etc until much later - you may break up with him next month so do not ever hint to the child you are a permanent fixture until you are IYSWIM.

You can't reassure him you are not going to leave him, I would be very wary of someone who kept saying that tbh. Don't be pressured into making promises about staying for ever, I would actively use this time to decide is he the type of dad I want for my kids.

Sorry if I have strayed into relationship advice rather than strictly SP advice, but given this is a month old relationship that is the bigger issue really at the moment.

Agree with chelen. My advice would be to back away from trying to help too much as with only a month together ur DP should' be able to handle this. Ur supposed to be enjoying ur new relationship and believe me, the crap that comes with the SP tag hits u all too soon and u have to deal with that permanently. have some fun don't get bogged down in his woes already. I didn't meet my DPs kids for about 6 months. We kept the relationship about us for quite a while and we did the odd day out with them but I went home at the end. We gave them lots of time to 'like' the idea of me being dads girlfriend. as for my name, I'm Lost.... Not aunty or anything else. Don't agree with false names then people aren't related. I've been with my DP nearly 3 yrs and its still hard to give support. I listen, i don't join in with any bad feeling and try to be understanding and impartial. I ask of he's happy to discuss topics in case I step on a landmine IUSWIM! stay out of everything else it's not yours to deal with and will stress u out and probably add more stress to ur DPs pot if u do get involved.oh and keep smiling cos being an SP is difficult whatever anyone says!!!! :)

Hi, just wanted to clarify, I suggested the names thing more for the sake of your DP when his daughter meets her mums new bloke, if he will be spending more time with dsd than her dad I just thought it might reassure DP to know what she was calling him-some people have loopy ideas about calling new partners "Daddy firstname" which I think is a bit creepy. I don't think there is anything wrong with the title Aunty or Uncle but yeah, in retrospect don't make a big deal out of it for yourself.
Personally, I wouldn't get involved or even meet her for a while yet. keep your relationship about you and DP for now, but if you do meet her then keep it lighthearted.

Thank you for the advice, I know I'm not actually a step parent at the moment, but the relationship is going really well and I'm preparing for the near future.

It's at the point where I've met his friends, who like me, I've met his sister and parents, who like me, but I'm very aware of this one other person that matters so much more than anyone else I'm meeting, it's a daunting thought.

It feels like I can't let on about how scary a thought it is to him though, because I think id struggle to explain that just because the thought of being a step parent to this wee girl scares the hell out of me, that doesn't mean im going to run away from it IYKWIM?

Near future is the wrong phrase, I know there's still long way till that point!

Forget about the name stuff, it's adult baggage stuff. If this relationship runs its course there will be bigger fish for you all to fry.
Just date the guy for another few nights, don't make any promises, talk about other stuff. And if it seems like it is going to run the distance then take up residence on this board because lord knows... You're gonna need it

Ha ha! Another few nights!!! I meant another few months!!!

But I have however had to support him in issues surrounding his ex and her new man

This worries me - the relationship is a month old and I don't think you should have to support him - surely you are just dating and finding out about each other. Step parenting is very tough and I think the honeymoon period is essential before you get embroiled in the challenges of a blended family. I don't want to be too negative but most step parents have felt very overwhelmed by the difficulties so it's important to know what you could be taking on.

How long has your dp been separated from his ex?

Been separated 3 years, its more that when something happens or they have an argument, I'm there to listen so he can have a moan to de-stress a bit.

I see what smum is saying - it is good that he is honest with you, but if he is getting so stressed about disagreements with his ex that he is already using you as a sounding board after a month (when you are both are still making the effort and trying to impress each other), then I think you have to anticipate that any future relationship with him will involve her a great deal as well

Has he had previous girlfriends? Do you know why it didn't work out? I don't want to be negative - but if his ex is still such a big influence on his life after three years, then it is unlikely to change. It may not be a big deal for you; but if he can't put disagreements with her to one side while he is out of a date with you now, then it suggests that he is still emotionally attached, rather than dealing with co-parenting in a businesslike way