Maintence advice needed please ?

[droves]

Dh's exw wants maintence for their 17 year old.

The boy left school at 16 , moved 150 miles away and had a job paying about £250 a week . He lived with his aunty and paid her rent/digs .
This lasted for 18 months until his workplace closed down.

Unable to find work , he returned to our hometown and moved back in with his mum.

Now as I understand it , dh is under no obligation to pay maintence for an adult child ( dss will be 18 in 5 weeks) ,who is not working .

Dss is waiting to hear about an apprentiship he's applied for , but isn't working ,or claiming benefits. Exw is claiming benefits for herself and the younger son .

Dss did have a little money saved , which he was giving his mum something towards his keep, but it's ran out and now she's demanding Dh gives her maintence for the oldest.

Dh has had several nasty txt off her , and is now saying she's is going to a lawyer to demand that we have the younger dss more often.

Bearing in mind that dh is paying his ex wife several times the amount suggested by the CSA , and that we have two little children together that dh is financially responsible for . ( my 3 from first marriage have never been included in CSa calculations , as they are provided for by exh and myself) .

What would be the right thing to do here ? I think giving dss a little money directly as an allowance until he starts working or training is one solution.

Dh isn't really in a position that he's able to give her anymore .So if we did have to give her more it would probably have to come from my carers allowance. (dd4 has Sn) .

What should we do ?

I agree droves - financially we're comfortable but I still think he needs to pay towards his keep and for his own bills. DP says he's 'giving him a good start in life' - eh?.. Like you sy, a good start is helping with a house deposit when they need it not letting them live for free so they can spend their money on holidays, that's no introduction to real life... I can see trouble ahead!

You think the first few months of having a child is the hardest .....I'm beginning to think that it's the last stage when they are transitioning to adult life is the worst . Independence is an undervalued and unappreciated thing these days .

Personally I can't wait for all of my children and step children to be fully functioning grown ups .

I'm quite willing to be called a horrible mum because I deny the teenagers £20 to spend on crap McDonald's , or so they can go clubbing or whatever nonsense .

I find mine a a bit more prone to saving if they've got to work an hour for £5 . .

Actually I'm pretty pissed off .

Thinking about it , i have worked in the shittiest , hardest jobs to provide for all the children ...I put up with abuse from drunks (whilst a barmaid ) , and antisocial hours , for minimum wage and less sleep . This was done to keep a roof over the kids head and shoes on their feet .

It's not much to ask them to take over and do it for themselves , as adults .

I agree totally. As parents that's meant to be our function - to prepare them for adult life and let them get on with it (with support when required). Not mollycoddle and spoil them. My DP knows my feelings on the matter, and has at times agreed, but when push comes to shove he won't enforce anything!!!

Oh, and kaluki and droves, apparently with my opinion I 'must be in the minority because who wouldn't want to help their kids out!'???

And trying to tell him that out of all my friends, not one would think they are doing their kids any favours by still paying all their bills and not letting them stand on their own two feet once they're working does not resonate whatsoever!

What the hell.

He pays 4 times what the CSA specifies and his child only has contact one weekend a month.

Are you really saying that he pays almost 60% of his net salary for the upkeep of the younger son? That is really commendable... Or a lie.

Yes, he can disassociate financially from his older child, but at the end of the day... He is her son, and if he cares about him, he won't.

Pedigree , its no lie , dh does pay 4x the amount recommended by the CSA , but i don't think it's 60% of his wages .

What happened initially dh was paying for 3 children with exw by personal arrangement , after asking CSa what it should be . He gave a little bit extra , as he thought it wasn't really enough. The oldest two left home ( one got married , one moved for work ) and dh just continued paying the amount.
He was happy doing so , and exw was happy until dss moved back in .
I guess she just got used to having a lot more to spend after bills ect.

Anyway dss has just found a new job so it's not an issue anymore .

Thank you to everyone who replied.

Child support for 3 children is 25% of net income and for 1 child it's 15% - so if he's still paying for 3 chilren then that isn't 4 times what he should be paying, it's less than double.

Not saying it isn't more than he should be paying, but it explains why people were a bit when you said it was 4 times what it should be.

Well done to your DSS for getting himself a job!

It is 4 times the amount , for one child.

Dh has always paid a bit extra . So even if you were to calculate the 3 child rate , then it would still be over and above that .

I think there might have been a calculation to include the other children ...so the Net income dh has was reduced by 20 % before they calculated the maintence which would have been 25% of the reduced net plus the extra .( It could have been reduced further if dh had included my 3dc , but I didn't think that right , given that my exh pays maintence for them. )

It's very confusing to explain , and I hope I've made it a little clearer .

As for DSS getting employed , thanks , it's fantastic news .Everyone is very proud of him ...wages are not quite as good as he made before , but it's something ,so he's very pleased. ( and so is his mum )

The csa rate for a single child is 15% of his salary after taxes if his child spends less than 54 nights a year at your house, so i would say is bit rich to say he is paying 4 times.

I'm not having a go at you, just trying to show that the greedy exw might not be so greedy as it is being portrayed.

But good news the problem has been sorted with DSS finding a job.