Would it be selfish to move area?

[missduff]

I live with DP and my 2 yo DS and another baby on the way.
DP has 2 kids from a previous relationship who he has/sees several times a week and only live 2 mins away.
We've both grown up in this area but it's not the best and it's just seems to be getting even worse so we've been thinking about moving area and have found somewhere we really like. 5 mins from his work but we'd be about half an hour away from his kids.
DP seems happy with the idea of being that distance, it's not a million miles away but I know his ex is going to kick off about it, she went mad last week because DP wasn't willing to go out at 10.30pm to take something to her, something which wasn't even very important but she accused him of putting his new family before his other kids despite the fact that his reason had nothing to do with us.
So...are we being selfish if we move to a better, nicer area with better schools, closer to work etc instead of living round the corner to the kids?
The distance wouldn't affect when we have the kids but at the mo there's a lot of last minute requests/demands for him to pick them up/drop them off at various places and it's these extra things which he's not necessarily going to be able to help with.

Half an hour away isn't that much really. But not easy if you want to maintain frequent contact in the week - would it really be possible to have them after school if it's half an hour away? What if one child wants a play date or after school club? I would have thought you'd probably be moving to weekend only contact if you're half an hour's drive away. Is it still half an hour away at rush hour in the morning? I would assume from what you say that your DH will probably end up having to do all the driving to pick up and drop off his DC - which somewhat reduces the benefits of being nearer work if he does see them several times a week.

My DP is about that far from his kids mum (whereas I am only 5 minutes from my ex). But DP only has them at weekends. The main disadvantage is, as you say, that you can't pop back for things that the DC have left in the other house, etc. You/they have to be more organised about things.

The other problem is that it's much harder for the DC to see their friends out of school. My DC have a much fuller social life than DP's DC do at the same age (except his eldest who is old enough to get the bus around town so she's OK). How old are your DP's DCs? If they're older, it's worth thinking about how they might make their own way between your house and where their mum lives, and their friends are.

But no longer being able to drop things off for his ex at 10.30pm sounds like an advantage to me! She ought to be finding ways to manage her life without relying on your DP like that.

I think you should move as it will benefit your whole family and will cut down ur DP's travelling time everday so i'm sure he wnt mind doing the trip to pick them up on ur contact days. We live about 1.5 hours from DSS and its never really been as issue as its EOW contact. We live in a much nicer area now which is actually where i grew up and we are all benefitting as when DSS is with us we can go to the beach etc which is a novelty for him and at the same time our dd can grow up in a nice area with good schools etc. How old are the DC?
DH and I travel 1.25 hours to work every day and the same back believe me if I could move to a nicer area etc and have a 5 min drive to work I would jump at the chance. Your Dp is obviously on board his Ex can't say a lot if contact isn't going to change.

His kids are 5 and 7 so not old enough to get a bus or anything and at the mo they don't do much with friends at weekends altho I'm sure that will change over the years.

We're saying at the mo that contact wouldn't change but I suppose in reality it would. At the mo he goes to football practice one night a week but I suppose it would be a long way to go for an hour long session, Wednesdays he picks them up from his mums, brings them to ours, they get an hour or so with us, bath and home to bed. Again, this isn't going to feesable when they'd be in the car for an hour coming to us and then back home again.
So in reality yes it would probably go to weekend visits with the occasional contact in the week.
For me it's no big deal, I've not got that much family around and my kids would be with me but I don't want to just be selfish in all this.
But when I think I want the best for my kids and growing up in a crime hot spot is certainly not the best upbringing I can give them.

I grew up with my dad about half an hour away and my son's dad lives the same distance so it's no big deal to me and if I'm honest I don't think his kids would really mind either, I think it's the ex who would have the biggest issue with it, I'm definitely getting the feeling that she wants to be able to click her fingers and he come running and the minute he doesn't she pulls the old 'you're a crap dad' card out of the bag.
For me that's even more reason to go but it's not all about me.

Does the ex rely on your DH looking after the DC in the week whilst she works? Or is she genuinely struggling to care for them herself?

If so, and there aren't any other easy options for childcare, then tbh - I do think your DH would be shirking his responsibilities to move unless he really has to.

But if your DH works whilst the ex is able to pick the DC up from school each day (or there are other good options for after school care) then there's no reason why your DH shouldn't switch his contact time to the weekends really if the DC would be happy about that. Sounds like the relationship would benefit from a bit more formality about arrangements anyway - whether you move or not.

No she doesn't rely on him in the week, they both work full time, she drops the kids off at school in the morning and a childminder has them after school, DP's mum has them after school 1 night a week too. Tbh she seems to just want the kids as little as possible and seems to like having some control over DP.
If she ever was really stuck for childcare then I'm sure DP would help her out or his family would be able to help, she's also got a HUGE family who all live virtually on her doorstep so I can't imagine that there would ever really be a situation when she had no childcare.

As someone who gets no help off my ex I can honestly say that DP goes above and beyond his call of duty, he's such a good dad and does anything and everything he can for them.

like you say missduff your priority is your children. luckily no one has actually said it on this thread but it probably won't be long till people come along saying it's all about whats best for the DSC, they won't see their dad as much etc etc this really annoys while it's obviously important what about whats best for YOUR children?

If your DP is on board and the kids are fine with the idea then do what you feel is right, I would not give a toss about what the ex thinks if she desperatly needs something at 10:30pm she can bloody well drive the 30 mins to pick up im sure she won't be 'desperate' then.

If you don't move because of this and she carries on clicking her fingers you will end up resenting the situation and no one will be happy.

Oh, gosh, I thought you were going to say 4 hours drive away or something! I think you are fine with this kind of change, things do change. He should try not to reduce the amount of contact, including the match etc.

TBH, if you live in a better area, all the children who are in your house, whether there ft or pt will benefit from that.

Sounds like you are moving for good reasons and half an hour is really not that far. We'd love it if we were that close by - DP has a 7 hour round trip to see his DS .

None of you live rurally obviously!!! Half an hour is nothing and I don't see any reason why mid week contact would cease.

We used to live 200 miles away from my DSS, now we live half an hour. My DH does 5 school runs a week, rugby every Sunday, we have him EOW plus Weds nights and lots of other adhoc times.

We live fairly rurally so from our perspective half an hour is really not a big deal. Anyway, if he's committed to his kids, he'll still see them just as much.

If the distance means weeknight visits wouldnt happen then its not going to do much for his relationship with the kids is it?

I can see why you want to move to a different area because you think its better for your children, but his will still be in the old area wont they? so its not a collective decision for the family as a whole.

Yes, the DP's children will still be in the 'old' area, but he can't do much about that. It's hard to make a collective family decision when the children in question are spread over two households. I don't see why the OP should decide not to move, just because her DP's children will remain in the existing area - it's not like anyone is suggesting less contact.

Amber But the children will be in the new area for whatever time they have at Dad's house. It seems silly to stay in a bad area just because it is slightly closer, a better place to live will also make a better place to go and stay at Dad's.

Is it a bad area or is the new area just a better one?

I think the main issue is about how it will affect contact.

I guess it must be better in some way, otherwise why move at all? OP describes it as 'not the best and seems to be getting worse'.