Moving in together, dss totally against it

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Moving in with my partner and at first his ds (11) was pleased, however now he's totally against it and causing lots if disruption. He's very angry and told his dad he will finish us. I've always got on well with him, we've not rushed things and taken it slowly (we've been together 2 years). He has issues and is seeing a councillor, however, he seems to be getting worse. Anyone been through this, got any coping strategies (apart from alcohol)!

Does DSS live with his father?

Yes full time, with 2 other children

Are you able to sit with him on your own and ask him how he feels about you moving in?

Time time and more time, and then more.

You have to present a united front to dssan tell him he won't split you up. However, you also need to let him talk about and explain his hostilities in a safe environment where he isn't going to get shouted at.

Tell him you both support him 100%, that you expect him to feel unhappy and lost at first, but you are both on his side, and that he doesn't have to like you, but still needs tpo respect you. Acknowledge the fact that most of this is fear of losing his dad/feeling unsafe.

We've both talked to him when he's calm, but everytime he's not allowed something or to go somewhere he goes completely mad shouting, hurting his brother saying bad things to his dad and now me. We can't get through to him.

I think he is expressing his anger, and to some extent you have to ride it. Hurting his brother is a definite no-no and he should be dealt with accordingly. Shouting, being difficult, arguing is all par for the course ime.

It will calm down, but it is white hot at the moment. He may never accept it fully, butit is possible to work out a livable solution

liveable

The most important thing is unity, over and above everything else. If he sees you and dp as unimpeachable he will eventually calm down

My DP's DS1 was very antagonistic to me being around at first - he was 11 then. I very much wanted to try and sort it out - I wanted DP to talk to him, to find out what was wrong, and so we could put it right. But DP said that he thought that his DS just needed time to get used to things - he put his foot down with outright rudeness (eg refusing to sit at the same table as me) but otherwise let him protest by sulking, not talking to me, etc. His DS is not a child that finds it very easy to talk about his feelings, and DP didn't think that putting pressure on him to justify his (rather immature) behaviour would help.

But DP was right, and DS1 is alright about things now. We've had two years of not living together, but with me gradually spending increasing amounts of time round his, so that when we recently announced we were moving in, I don't think any of the DC were that surprised - and there hasn't been any further protest.

I think what I learned from this is that sometimes you do need to trust your partner to know their own DC best - what does your DP think he should do with his DS?

The other thing that I think has helped him was pressure/encouragement/mocking from his siblings. His younger brother on one ocassion embarrassed him greatly in front of me by repeating things he'd been saying. Just really babyish stuff that no 11 year old would want repeating. I'm not quite sure I would recommend this as a solution but that episode did seem to mark the end of his protest to some extent. DP also told me that he'd once moaned about me in the car and his older sister had said "Shut up [DS1]. [Purpleroses] is OK, right!" :) He really looks up to his older sister, so I'm sure that had some effect. So if your DP's DS has siblings that you get on well with, encouraging them to help him get used to you might help. Or doing things all together so that he can see that his siblings accept you.

The other thing that's helped a bit is that he realises that I am acutally a useful person to have around because I quite often take his younger siblings out and leave him to have some more quality time with his dad. So again, focussing on the kids that are happy to have you around may help, and will reassure him that he will still get time with his dad one to one.

When he's being good try telling him how happy u are with him and that u love it when things are going well. Lots of positives and try to keep the negatives firm but not too harsh unless the behaviour is simply unacceptable! Time is the key though. Good luck.