how to handle emotions when going gets tough!!

[countrygirl85]

Hey all, have never posted on here (just lurked) but could do with some advice on how to handle the difficult situations that come up being a SP.

History: DSS (5) stays with us every other weekend and odd week at time. DP and ex have not been together since birth of DSS and have no contact, just going through rather nastly court proceedings at present. DSS aware of anamosity between both and is confused by situation. Has never seem his parents speak or even be next to each other!!

Lack of contact means we have little idea on likes and dislikes of DSS apart from guess work by ourselves and experimentations with games, food etc and we have had to make our own general household rules (based on the normal stuff, nothing out of the ordinary). He seems to have one life at mums and another at dads with little continuity. All very trial and error.

Not surprisingly this makes for challenging behaviour at times (poor boy is so confused) , I have tried one on one activities with him to make him more secure with us, have always been nice about his mum and other family, and have tried to make our home a loving, safe place to be for him to enjoy but at times really struggle with the behaviour despite best efforts. (examples of behaviour is shouting, throwing things, stamping, pushing, prettly normal 5 year old behaviour probably but seems to happen a lot).

How does everyone else cope with these feeling that seem to be building up inside? At times feel that im going to explode (not that I would ever let DSS see this!!) Tried detatching but dont want to alianate him.

PS probably v significant is my DS (2) as well, a lot of jealousy with both despite best efforts.

Thanks in advance

As you have no contact with mum, I suggest your DP makes contact with the school - this will not only help you find out what DSS likes and interests are, it will also help you deal with his emotions and give the school a full picture of what is going on elsewhere in his life

Don't place too much emphasis on keeping the routine the same between homes, i believe that the important thing is to maintain consistency in your own home - so that when he does visit, he knows what to expect.

It sounds like you're really committed - and that is the hardest part, ime

Sounds like ur going in the right direction but I would add lots of positive reinforcement when he's behaving well to both DCs and be firm with bad behaviour with both. Be consistent and try to keep praise at the front of ur mind. I found with my DSCs that when they were bad they're boundary pushing and it's a phase that can take time for them to get over but once they get it, it's worth the persistence in your parenting style which IMO u sound good at from what you've said. It's brilliant that ure spending 1-2-1 time with him and it will get easier but it takes time.

When u feel like ur blood is boiling go for a walk or use distraction techniques which get them out of moods quite well if find. Defo speak to the school and see what they have to say and advise. We found that helped no end with DSDs bad behaviour and it's taken nearly three years to get her better in her behaviour and happier in herself IUSWIM. Good luck n keep smiling :)

Hi, I am a SM and a mum. My DSS lives here with us.

I have had a lot of difficult emotions over the years. I have felt insecurity, fear, anxiety, frustration, confusion, sadness, guilt and anger. I have had counselling to help me with some of the feelings and this has helped.

One of my major problems centred around not wanting DSS to know when I was angry with his mum (e.g. she would often not answer his phonecalls and I was left with a distraught boy and no way to 'fix' it). What I did at first was suppress the anger, in an effort not to display it to DSS, which made things very hard for me. Now I have learnt to accept my anger whilst supporting DSS with whatever he feels (love, sadness, anger or none of these). I acknowledge my anger very clearly within myself and am then able to move past it to being supporting.

I do not believe in disengaging, I know it has served many well but I find I just don't want that, I like to feel even the bad things. I have found writing, drawing and describing my feelings very helpful. I have a journal where I write poems about the most difficult parts. The poems are awfully written, I would be mortified if anyone saw them, but they let me get my feelings out safely.

I also occasionally leave the house if things are driving me mad, but I am a SAHM and so this is not always possible, I have had to find ways to cope whilst remaining here. I find I send DSS off somewhere 'Can you pop and buy a bottle of milk' or 'could you go and take these upstairs and sort them out' and actively take 30 seconds to collect myself.

I would imagine if your DSS is showing anger at your house that is a sign he at least feels able to express himself. This is good, although it feels awful. Once my DSS was about 7 we started getting him to draw pictures about why he was angry, so that might work for you too when he's a bit older. That gave us a way to get him to put his feelings down in a safe way. Also it meant he could express the feelings but I didn't have to respond at the time, his dad could then take the picture and talk about it later IYSWIM, so I was shielded from having to answer questions.

I agree that you should contact school and make those links, find out what his behaviour is like there. Also agree that what matters is total consistency at your house, you can't control the other house so try not to waste energy. Also agree lots of positive stuff, we are constantly saying 'in this house we really like x, y, z' and also randomly reward any excellent behaviour, keep a stock of tiny presents for such occasions.

Oh, and one last thing, I often used to find if we had had a very horrid day, I would drop it down a notch the next day - do tea in front of the telly, a nice walk on way home from school or something really easy and pleasurable, so that we all had a bit of recovery time - me included.

Thanks all, some really helpful suggestions that I will try out in next contact weekend.

Will keep on with it and as you say Lostinsuffolk time may be the healer here as he gets older and beging to understand his emotions more (and me gaining more coping stratagies for mine).

Phew, makes me laugh at my younger self thinking (naively) that we would all be one big happy family

Hey country girl don't forget to update us!

We next have him this weekend so I will let you know how it goes.

Short update so far: Whilst DH was on phone with him this week he told him he loved us all (including me and DS!!) so thinking more along lines of emotions are expressing feelings re: situation at time/general rather than directed at me/DS, hope is there