torn in two and feeling desperate

[stuckinthemiddle]

My dp and my ds aged 6 don't really get on that well at the moment. In fact it's driving me crazy and its really getting me down.

Dp and I haven't been together (known each other for longer though)that long, not even a year but he's moved in and taken my two on as though they are his own. He has two little girls by another relationship who are 3 and 2 years old.

His parenting style differs from mine and he tends to treat my ds in a really strict manner. His own two girls are good for him like little robots in fact (not like it for thier mum though so much) He has trouble understanding that my children have different personalities to his girls and that ds is older and also a boy.

It dosen't help that my ds can be a wilful restless and a histrionic little boy and has been since a baby. I've had my own problems with him even before dp came into our lives.. from behaviour to illness plus the break up of me and his dad when he was 4 hasn't helped.

My dp takes every little thing that ds doespersonally and can't understand why one minute he's crying and telling dp he hates him and the next time saying that he loves him. He gets hurt that he's bought him games and ds plays with them a while then discards them.. but thats cos he's a 6 yr old!

Ds can be a pushy little boy. My dp plays darts a lot and we have a dart board in the front room. Dp thought it would be nice for ds to play with him under close supervision which went well for a bit. Dp has said he's only allowed to play if he is there, he's to stand well away when dp is throwing and he is not to play when the girls are about. Ds said he understand then promplty has whined and whinged ever since for exactly the opposite.. now dp has given up especially when ds ran in front of the dart board on purpose..

Both dp and ds are quick tempered. Dp shouts a lot which upsets us all and he's very moody as well. even if dp takes time out to explain to ds calmly or to gently discipline him it all backfires. Everything that dp does gets thrown back in his face or so it seems to dp. I keep reminding him that ds is only 6 and it will take time but he's convinced ds hates him etc.

I grew up in a step family and my two brothers clashed with my dad (thier stepdad) and it was hell as I remember the arguments all the time. I don't want ds to grow up like this. Dp also I think just dosen't know how to deal with a father son relationship as he never knew his dad or even knows who he is and his mum abandoned him to the care of his nana when he was 3 so he is completely lost at times like this.

He gets on well with my dd though but then she is a different child to her brother.. still has her tantrums but easier to get on with, does as she told and is dreamy and imaginative wheras ds will pace the house looking for something to do

I'm sorry i've rambled but I'm feeling a bit desperate. Its causing tension in the house and I hate it

Hello stuckinthemiddle, I didn't want your post to go unanswered because it sounds like a desperately unhappy situation for you all.

Does your dp play with ds (apart from darts) you know silly games, little tricks, general rough and tumble that kids like to play with a 'father figure'? I ask because it seems as if your dp needs to 'get to know' your ds properly and have some fun with him.

Also it seems (I may be wrong, if so I am sorry) but it sounds as if your dp needs to lighten up a bit, who wants kids to be so worried of upsetting their Dad/Stepdad they act like robots?

Also does your ds see his natural Father?

He does play with him a bit like you describe rough and tumble and stuff. He also picks up ds from school quite a bit and they always have a race down the path to see who can get to the car the quickest!! He also plays on the playstation with him too which starts out well but then ds starts having a tantrum because he can't bear to lose.

I do agree with you he does need to lighten up a bit both with my two and his own dd's. He found it difficult to bond with his own because his ex has been a bitch and stopped him contact every so often because he won't get back with her. She's also threatened to take them away and for a while he barely showed them any affection for fear of losing them. Now through regular weekly contact thier relationship has blossomed which is lovely to see.

I think dp is finding it hard to adjust to living within a family again and dealing with kids that aren't his own. I think we all are really. He works odd hours and rarely gets time to himself and then the kids do his head in and then it all escalates into a huge row. We have agreed that if he's feeling moody or he can feel his temper rise or the kids do his head in then he's to go upstairs and have some time on his own on the playstation or go in the bath etc, as long as he tells me I don't mind so much.

arrgghh i never thought it would be this hard!!!!

I am glad that he plays with them.

I think it might just take time, its good that you are talking about it and realise that there are problems. When I became a Stepmum there were loads of teething problems (still are the odd few, but thats parenting, lol)

Step families are hard and its not easy but you can work though the problems if you want it enough.

Sounds like you all need more time to get used to each other, so to speak. A year is not a long time, you've all had major changes in your lives and it's going to take time for you all to adjust

Sorry, I know that doesn't really help. Do keep posting, we're all in the same boat as stepmums and getting things off your chest does help

From what I've read, I get the impression that you're all actually doing OK but the bad times really get you down? That's perfectly understandable, believe me we all feel like that sometimes