ex husband is making his new partner our sons 'favourite mummy'

[funnymummy9]

my ex-husband has a new partner who is very involved in our sons life and dotes on him but recently when he comes back from daddy's house he's been saying things like 'mummy susannah made me pancakes, she's a better mummy' and it makes me angry . when i approached my ex about it he just laughed it off and said i'm overreacting am i? i'm currently single so it annoys me when he flaunts his new girlfriend in front of me (who looks alot like me, except younger) but i can't shake this feeling... any suggestions?

I know it must be hard, this. But, on a positive note and from MY perspective, I feel relieved that my so gets on with my ex's partner. When he returns from a "daddy" weekend, he sometimes mistakenly calls me by her name. I would be more worried for ds is she was not inclined toward him, as I think the more people to care for and support him, the better.

Life's tough enough. If my ex has a partner who cares for my son, I'm very happy about that.

It's really hard but I think I would try not to get too hung up over the name.

The whole situation I can empathise with. We have some family who don't have dc of their own. They dote on our kids, have them to stay lots, etc. I was happy with all this, but one point it seemed they had made it into a kind of competition, they would always buy the biggest presents, take them out places, do things first with them (first bike, first cinema trip, etc) And then they loved the fact that the kids seemed to prefer it at their house, joked about them moving in permantly, etc.

But as the kids have got older, the stuff doesn't seem to matter as much, and Ive realised that it doesn't really impact on their bond with us, and for the first time one actually said he would rather stay home. Overall, they still enjoy spending time with them, but we are still the mummy and daddy and the ones they are closest to.

I'm a SM and am called Mummy by DSD... Her choice, she lives with us so we didn't want her to feel different / lesser than her sister, my biological DD.

Trust me, the label does not mean that she views me as her Mum! I love her, she loves me, Barney the Dinosaur would be proud But given the choice of having a cuddle with Mum or a cuddle with me, I would come a very far second!

I don't think kids should be encouraged to call people Mum or Dad, and if that's what your ex is doing he's a prize twat. However, whatever the SM is going to be called, it is just a word at the end of the day... Her feelings for you won't change because of it (and my DSD spent a LOT of time 'playing' her Mum with the whole 'she does x, y, & z better than you!)

Lovely, sensible post there, Dharma

Putting the whole naming/labelling thing to one side - the little one hasn't done anything wrong, has he? Unless you think he is deliberately trying to wind you up? He probably just thinks it will get you leaping up to make pancakes! At his age I'd be tempted to just laugh it off. Like "she's good at pancakes...I'm good at raspberry blowing" cue tickling.

But I guess I had a very different perspective because I remember when my ex had a g/f who didn't like DD and that was very upsetting and hurtful for her, so I much preferred it when the next g/f and subsequently new wife was so nice to DD and over the years has been a great support to her.

So, yeah, I think you're over-reacting a bit. She's probably just being a bit Disney 'cos she's nervous DS won't like her.

The novelty will wear off, I promise. For her as well as him. Step parents can love their step children but it is not even 10% of the real thing. I have been on both sides. You have nothing at all to be worried about.

I would also be very angry, in my opinion it's wrong to encourage a child to call another person ''mummy/daddy'' when they arent.
I've been in a relationship with DP since DS was 5 months old but I respect his father enough (despite him being a cock) to not get my son to call him daddy. He knows he is his step daddy but just calls him by his real name and if he ever calls him daddy (he hears his step siblings calling it him) I correct him.

I had a step mum when I was a kid and I'm sure there were times when I upset my mum by saying things like ''she does this better than you...'' but she was never ever my favourite.
You are your son's mummy and no other woman can ever come close to the bond you have with him, when he is poorly or hurt himself I bet it is you who he wants, not her. When he does something good I bet it is you who he can't wait to tell.
So please just have faith in your relationship with your son and believe in the love he has for you.
His dad's gf is just that, she's probably just a bit of novelty value at the moment.

But I would politely address the issue of him calling him ''mummy'' I really don't think that's right. She might be gone in 6 months and a new woman on the scene so is he going to call every woman his dad dates for more than 5 mins mummy?

So is it fingers-in-ears to the professional advice in favour of not offending any adults in question?

wicked I don't think that just because you were once told something by a professional that it is necessarily relevant for every single child in any situation, I think it very much depends on individual circumstances

In my situation then I don't think it would be right for DS to call DP ''daddy'' for many reasons. For a start he is only 2 and doesn't really understand the meaning of it, he has never known his mum and dad together and DP has been around since he was a baby so if we referred to DP has daddy from him being so young then he's going to grow up confused about it.
There's also DP's 2 children who clearly weren't happy when DS called him daddy, which is understandable when their daddy is bringing up another child.
That all being said me and DP are fully aware that when our own baby is born and DP is daddy to baby that DS will probably start calling DP daddy quite often, in which case we may not correct him as I don't want him to feel like the odd one out.

In OP's situation I suspect that it is the ex referring to his girlfriend as ''mummy susannah'' and DS copying, in which case then no I don't think this is right.
If the step parent has been around for a long time and it is the child's choice to call them ''mummy/daddy'' then yes I agree that you should let them but a lot of parents push it upon their children so that they feel like they have a 'normal' family.

There is nothing in the OP that indicates that the DS dad is instigating this - and the fact that he didn't 'defend his actions' when the OP raised it, but laughed it off, further suggests that this could be child led.

Perhaps the OP should ask her ex the direct question before she draws any conclusions? Does he refer to his g/f as 'mummy susannah' or is it something that the DS has come up with in his own?

A lot of young children are still taught that it is disrespectful to refer to adults by their first names, the mums of their friends are 'aunties', for instance - it can be really hard when suddenly, that 'rule' changes when a step parent becomes a part of their life.

Your ds hasn't done anything 'wrong' - yes it was hurtful to you but he was being a 6 year old.

I would leave it as the poor mite is probably confused about it all as it is and as i think someone else already said bringing attention to it will make it worse.

Just ride it out for now and see what happens.

I agree with your DH actually. If your son had come back and said that his dad and SM had been putting pressure on him to call her mummy, then you would be rightly upset. Or if they had told him that SM was a better mum because she did xyz. What you've told us just sounds like something he thought up on his own and 5 year old are always saying things like " you are a naughty mummy" or "you're not my friend". I'd let it slide.