ex husband is making his new partner our sons 'favourite mummy'

[funnymummy9]

my ex-husband has a new partner who is very involved in our sons life and dotes on him but recently when he comes back from daddy's house he's been saying things like 'mummy susannah made me pancakes, she's a better mummy' and it makes me angry . when i approached my ex about it he just laughed it off and said i'm overreacting am i? i'm currently single so it annoys me when he flaunts his new girlfriend in front of me (who looks alot like me, except younger) but i can't shake this feeling... any suggestions?

It's probably a good sign, if you can look at it that way - it sounds like your ex's g/f is not overstepping her boundaries or behaving like a mum - but is more like a favourite aunt who spoils and indulges your son but isn't a parent so doesn't discipline him or get involved in day-to-day menial care?

If you can view the term mummy susannah as nothing more than a label, rather than a direct comparison with you, it might be easier - most DC's go through a period of saying that their grandparents are nicer than their parents, or even their teachers, sometimes - but it is not a reflection on the strength or value they place on the relationship with their parents.

I was absolutely delighted when my DD told me that exH stbDW is "cool". It reassured me that 1) she felt safe telling me that without fearing I would be angry or upset, and 2) that she was bonding with someone who was a signifcant part of her life

sounds hard for you, but i would try and swallow it and think about how much worse the opposite situation would be!

How old are the dc? I think that whilst it's positive that your dc like the new partner I would also be concerned about the speed of this introduction and why the need for the 'mummy' title. Generally the advice seems to be that partners are partners, never mum or dad, so therefore should be addressed by their first name.

I don't see why they need the label..she isn't the mummy/daddy. I suggest however you have a discussion with your ex in the context of how to parent cooperatively going forward- maybe use a parenting plan and work through how partners will work in the future. i.e what if you have a new man will he be daddy XYZ?

My dss was encouraged (by dh's ex) to consider his step father as daddy but that marriage broke down and my dss has zero contact with him. I have been in my dss's life for many years however would never consider it necessary for him to call me mummy.

I find it interesting (both this thread and the other current thread on this subject) that if a mother encourages her child/ren to call her new partner dad/dy then this is seen as an example of alienation and highly damaging, yet for a father to do so should be seen as evidence that the child likes the SM and is a good sign, and the mother should suck up any negative feelings she has about it. I wonder how a father would feel (and be advised) if his child arrived saying "daddy John and I had great fun playing football, he's my best daddy"? Presumably if mummy Susannah is "nothing more than a label", then the same applies to daddy John?

Personally OP, I would respond along the lines of "well, Susannah isn't your mummy but I'm glad you had such a great time. Let's go to the park shall we?", the same as I would if they called any other person by the wrong title or name.

There is nothing in the OP to suggest the label is being forced on the child by her father, though?

If it is, then that is a totally different issue to the one the OP has raised which is apparent preference of the SM over mum.

In the title she uses the word "making", her ex laughed off her concerns and the OP certainly seems to think that it's deliberate on the part o the father. Regardless, I think if the OP posted that her child had started to call his step father daddy John she'd be told to discourage him, that he only has one father and that it would be hurtful to his father to have the SF be called daddy. It's certainly what I have seen on threads about that, even when it's not deliberate on the part of the mother, and I see no reason why mummy Susannah is any different. I also don't see why the OP should have to suck it up rather than gently correct her child.

I don't disagree - I obviously misread the OP as I thought the primary concern was the favouritism, not the naming.

In my experience a parent intent on alienation will try to sideline the other parents role - in this case, the SM seems to be going out if her way to 'be nice' rather than be 'a parent' which is what has led to the DCs preference. Of course, the SM could stop trying and fulfil the societal role expected of her - it's a damn sight easier, I'm sure!

It is unavoidably hurtful, but I would try and laugh it off or do as Optimistic suggested.

It seems to me that the ex husband could well be doing that to the OP NADM, if the comments about a "better mummy" have come with encouragement from him. Just because the SM herself is being nice doesn't mean the exH's intentions are good. Certainly I think the blame lies with him rather than the SM.

It sounds to me like your ex is encouraging this - or at least allowing it to go unchallenged :( If a DC calls a stepparent "mummy X" the right thing to do is to gently correct them - "this is X, mummy is your mummy") How old is your DS? I'm assuming he's quite young and probably oblivious himself to the fact that calling her mummy may hurt you.

Having tried and failed to get your ex on board with helping correct DS - All you can do really is to try not to rise to the bait too much and hope he lets it drop. When you mention Susannah, always refer to her just as Susannah, and refer to yourself as Mummy. If there aren't any other adults or older children in your household, there can be a bit of a shortage of opportunities to do this, so look out for them when they arrise, or get any friends or relatives that you spend time with to support you in calling you Mummy.

But at the same time - it is just words - you're his real mummy and noone can take that from you easily. Make it clear that you approve of your DS enjoying time with his SM. It is better to have a SM who enjoys having you around than one who doesn't.

My son is 6. He seems oblivious to the fact he's done anything wrong, but I will talk to him. Thank you for all your comments :)

"I was absolutely delighted when my DD told me that exH stbDW is "cool". It reassured me that 1) she felt safe telling me that without fearing I would be angry or upset, and 2) that she was bonding with someone who was a signifcant part of her life smile"

and 3) that she almost certainly does not see her as a mother because no one thinks mum is cool

The advice I have had is to let children call people whatever they are comfortable with.

That said, DD has called my DP Daddy a few times and he certainly isn't comfortable with it so we gently remind her that she has a daddy and he might be upset if he knew she was calling someone else it.

I don't think there are double standards here as far as I can see. Children usually do this to test boundries. On both sides. It's rarely the big deal it's made out to be. It's us adults who have a problem with labels (and beleive me I knew all about it the first time DD tried out calling her SM "Mummy" to me) but if we are being truly child-centric I think we should not get them to change to suit our own egos really... if I'm honest.

and 3) that she almost certainly does not see her as a mother because no one thinks mum is cool

Ah...well, I'm really lucky there, because DD tells me daily that I am awesome and if she uses that word to describe anything else, she quickly adds the disclaimer "but not as awesome as you"

I know it won't last - I'm making the most of it while I can! I went into DD's school recently to do a workshop with some of her class, and I was stupidly pleased when she told me afterwards that her friends thought I was "cool" - I can't believe the approval of a group of 11 year olds would mean so much to me

Ha ha too true NADM, enjoy it while it lasts!

purpleroses I think we have discussed this on another thread but I cannot let you say unchallenged that 'the right thing to do' is to correct the child.

Child psychologists etc would say that is exactly the wrong thing to do - you draw attention to it, demonstrate all your adult hang ups to the child and put them under pressure.

The right thing to do is for the adults to carry on using their preferred terminology (so the OP should refer to the SM as 'firstname' and the child will very quickly fall into line.

OP - this is hard, but I assure you you are this child's only mum, no-one can take that position, whatever childish labels are applied to SM. I can hear that your feelings about the mum issue are getting mixed up with feelings about this 'younger model' - don't confuse the two. Your son loves you, end of. Nothing will change that and a SM will never, however much your son grows fond of them, be the same as you.

I posted this on the other thread (the 'two mummies' one) but I think it applies just as well here:

The way I see it is...

1. If a kid is being told by dad they must call SM 'mum', and mum says they must call SM 'firstname' then the child is put between a rock (dad) and a hard place (mum). This is the worst scenario of all for a child, opposing pressure from both sides.

2. If a kid is not being told by dad what to say but is told by mum they must not call SM mum and must call her 'first name', this just reflects badly on mum as it is mum doing the pressuring. Also potential damage to SM relationship, ultimately not in child's interests.

3. If a kid is told by dad to call their SM 'mum' and is not told anything by mum, this reflects badly on dad as he is doing the pressuring. Also damaging to SM relationship, not in child's interests. Idiotically counter-productive I would suggest.

4. If a kid is told by neither parent what to call anyone, the child has no pressure on neither side.

From the sounds of the info from OP, the child here is either being told to call SM 'mum' or has decided to do it spontaneously. The big risk is if dad is applying pressure, mum is going to make it horribly harder for her child by applying opposite pressure.

Try to talk to the ex, sure, but if the ex in question is competitive, how likely is he to put the child first? Only the OP knows whether it is worth trying to talk to him about it or not.

If the ex is saying the child has to call SM 'mum' then I think the only thing OP can do is think what is least stressful for the child and therefore let it go. Horrible horrible horrible, but what else can you do? Sometimes one parent has to be the better person I guess, sadly not all parents put their kids needs ahead of their own wishes.

chelen - I think it depends on the age of the child - I was assuming from the OP that the child was a toddler. I think it is right to correct a young child because they're using the wrong name for people. They need to have a clear understanding of who is actually their parent. (not to mention the fact that by using the wrong name they are likely to upset their real parent). For an older child who does completely understand how things work, but chooses to use the term Mum or Dad either for convenience (eg with friends when it's just complicated to explain all the time) or as a mark of affection, it might be different. But 6 is still quite young though imo - I don't think I'd be happy with a 6 year old calling my DP Daddy or my ex's DW Mummy. At that age they figure out what to call people based on what terms they hear used - so the likely source of "mummy Susannah" is the DC's dad.

I don't think you're telling them that these people don't matter to them and it doesn't have to be done cruelly or harshly - just gentley to let them know that DSM/DSD is their SM or SD and that their mum or dad is their mum or dad, and to reinforce the terms they should be using by using them yourself.

I must say that I would certainly not be pleased about this. I think it's true that it's probably adults who have the problem with labels. But it doesn't make it any easier. I think I would point out gently that I was the mother and so the other woman was not to be called mother. This probably goes against the pyschologists advice but that's what I'd do.

purpleroses - at age six a child will be experimenting with labels, therefore this is exactly the age where it is important to not get too hung up on things like 'the terms they should be using'.

When we say to kids 'you should call me/them x or y' what you're actually saying is 'all those complicated feelings you've got, all that stuff you're working out about relationships and families and love? Well I can't give you space and support to work it out in your own good time, so I am going to tell you what to do.'

I really appreciate everyone's help. It means an awful lot.

Chelan, you are so right. We have adult brains and lots of time to work this stuff out - give them some time

My dss went through a stage of wanting to call me mum and occasionally still refers to himself as my child. I think it's just wanting to belong and be a simple normal family - because split families are tiring. But in the end his mum is his mum and I'm another parental figure.

You and only you are his mum. Nothing will change that.

OMG - I've only just realised that DP and I are guilty of this

My DD calls DP's parents Granddad and Grandma, just in the same way as the OP's DD calls her SM, Mummy-susannah

These are labels we came up with when we spent a week staying with the PIL; me, DP, DD and DSS. DD hadn't really had a lot of contact with them until then.

It seemed disrespectful and inappropriate for DD (then 9) to call them by just their given names (they are in their senior years), especially in front of DSS who was still young. I admit, I suggested the labels, because I wanted to ensure that DD didn't copy DSS and call them just Granddad and Grandma. I know how her Dad and family would react if they found out she was doing that - but they can live with the compromise we came up with.

But, it's no different, is it? Although, how would I have introduced them to her for the first time? I couldn't really refer to them as 's grandparents until she decides for herself what to call them, could I?

I think it is a bit different - most kids have more than one grandma so the name isn't unique.