How on earth do I handle this??

[rubbishstepmum]

I've name changed as this could out me.

In short DP has 2children from previous relationship. Both are young adults

I won't go into long reasons but split between parents was very acrimonious and went on over a long time - I became involved towards the end of it. Both have refused to acknowledge me or DD (now 5) , refused to come to our home, refused to talk to dd on the phone, sent back birthday and Christmas presents etc. etc.

Now I am pregnant and due at end of August and DPs oldest has suddenly asked DP if she can come to stay with us for a fortnight starting from 2 days before baby is due and bring her boyfriend who I've never even met with her.

Obviously for DPs sake I want to say yes but I'm really uneasy about this. DPs ex is violent and has attacked and hospitalised me twice and I worry she'll try to get into the house or her DD will just let her in. My mum was coming to stay during that fortnight to help me with new baby and DD.

If I say yes I'll feel very uneasy the whole time with a new born baby and won't have my mum if I need her, if I say no I'll upset DP and his DD and maybe mess up the only chance we've got to start putting things right with his kids.

In floods of tears and don't know what to do. Any fortnight but that one might have been dealable with :(

Just to add DPs children have always kept up a relationship with him but refused to involve me in anyway - eg if I turn up somewhere they've got up and walked away

RSM, Not a chance. No, No, No.

You DO NOT need the stress that this visit would cause. I would say that this 'visit' is a set-up. They WANT you to fail. They know that asking for these dates would mean you saying no, so they are setting you up to fail.

2 weeks with 2 people you hardly know (one you don't know at all) in your home when you are full of pregnancy / birth hormones, trying to get used to the new arrival, bonding, nesting et al is completely ridiculous.

Quickly book your mum in for those 2 weeks and answer "No, sorry, we already have guests then, would you like to come on XXX date instead?"

Don't do this to yourself RSM.

I guess she knows you're expecting at that time? It's a tough one but I think you have to stick with your original plans. if she genuinely wants to come and stay she will come another time. If she knows your baby is due and is just trying to cause trouble then she won't come again, but then she wasn't coming for her dad anyway was she?

Can you offer to put them up in a B&B for a couple of nights nearby so they can visit and spend time with their dad? I really don't think it is reasonable for you to have to put them up at this time. They are strangers to you, have not acknowledged you or treated you with any respect. You need your mum there to help and that's all there is to it.

I can't believe you're considering this or worrying about it. No way. No discussion, she is deliberately trying to piss you off by trying to create an environment you will hate to ruin your special time.

Your husband should tell her it's innsppropriate but if she's sincere about starting a relationship with you maybe she could be civil towards you at a restaurant. My guess is she won't be interested.

She's not a kid, she's a young adult in a serious relationship.

No one who doesn't acknowledge my existence would ever enter my home regardless who they were.

Well said, Sleeplessinsuburbia. I agree with everyone else RSM, do not let anybody ruin the time that you will need with your new baby. But don't be painted as the baddy either, your dp needs to speak to his daughter and be the one to say 'no'. And that if she wants to come and stay another time then she needs to start being polite and civil, for your sake and for your 5yr old dd's.

Agree with above - you would absolutely be in the right to say no - not this time. Happy for you to come after I've had the baby etc... I bet they won't be interested in that. This is about you and your new baby - you have your mum there.

Quite honestly ... I'd tell someone who had the audacity (in the circumstances) to make such a request to fuck right off. Clearly - unless you've missed out the part where she apologised profusely for being so rude in the past - this is some sort of set up. Either you'll "prove" yourself as the wicked stepmother by saying no, or, if you say yes, your first two weeks with your new baby are likely to be a nightmare. I mean ... even if she was nice, who the heck needs two extra visitors at such a time (for two bloody weeks - it's ridiculous) .... and she's NOT nice, and her boyfriend is an unknown quantity as he's a stranger. Who, in their right mind, would feel happy hosting a stranger all that time never mind a rude cow as well when they've just given birth ?!?

You have EVERY right to put your foot down over this. The feelings of the new mum trumps everything else. You have no idea what sort of birth you'll have, how tired you'll be, how feeding will go etc etc etc. You do NOT need any extra stress whatsoever and your DP should understand that what you do need is to feel relaxed in your own home in order to bond with your baby. You say you don't want to upset him ..... I really, really hope that he's not putting pressure on you over this because the idea's proposterous. There is no need for this visit .... makes me wonder if the spoilt princess's nose has been put out of joint by the impending arrival and she's planning on monopolising her dad's time so he can't support you.

Agree with everyone else. This is not the time to be dealing with the fallout and she knows you will "prove" her right by saying no as she knows just how unreasonable she is being. Any decent woman would understand how you would feel and would be happy to come another time. Is this woman a decent person?! I think her response will confirm what you already know!

NOT A FLAMING CHANCE!

I would be very suspicious about her motives for this, now when you are due to have a baby and so suddenly, and for two weeks, and with a boyfriends??

It stinks IMO. Why not just a short visit for an afternoon, - especially after not wanting to know you for all this time?

No way in hell.

Tell you DH to say he is happy that she wants to get to know you and would welcome a visit (with him there the whole time), but no, a stay over of any kind is out of the question.

Absolutely not a chance!! I'd be angry if my DP even considered saying yes after the way you have been treated and at such an important time for you. How many chances has this brat had to put things right?? she's up to something trying to drive a wedge in or something. Definitely have your mum to stay, who the hell would want visitors at that time anyway? Your DP's priority for ATLEAST those weeks following the birth should be YOU and the new baby I'm sorry if others don't agree. If she really wants to make up it will keep and doesn't sound like A huge loss anyway if she doesn't.

I'm raging about this on your behalf.

Don't agree to it and don't feel bad, - trust your instincts. And by the way I would be a bit miffed at my DP if he hadn't immediately said no to her without even consulting you. Why on earth is he even asking you? On what planet is this fair to you?

I have many regrets about what I 'went along with' for the sake of DH and his relationship with his sons (my SSs) because in the end it doesn't make a darn bit of difference. One or two 'No' s do not make or break a relationship between father and child.

I wish I had said 'No' when DH's ex decided she suddenly wasn't coping and we had them to stay for a fortnight. My first child had just been born (convenient eh?) and I will never get back those two weeks which should have been a blissfully memorable time for me and my first baby. Instead it was all about her them and they don't even remember it let alone appreciate it

I can't honestly believe that he has actually put this suggestion to you so that you have to be the one to say no.

It's utterly ridiculous. Unless you live in some kind of manor house and they can have their own wing then no, no, no.

And throw something at his head for even making you aware of this situation.

God Lord ? the answer is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I too smell a rat; after all the time that?s elapsed, and after everything that?s happened, to want to pitch up when baby is due and stay for a fortnight and bring a boyfriend is Very Strange Indeed.

But I agree with the other posters who don?t want to see you painted as the bad guy in this ? your DP is very remiss for not saying no immediately. Book your Mum in for her planned visit, tell DP?s daughter that due to the baby?s arrival she can?t come for the fortnight she specified, but she can come on xxxxx date. She should not be allowed to call the shots.

If she?s genuine about building bridges, then she can wait a few weeks.

I?m very angry on your behalf, you really don?t need this stress.

Oh thank you so much I feel so much better for reading all your replies. I've now talked to DP and said no but maybe another time when baby a bit bigger and I've got over birth.

He's now talked to her and she's suggested that maybe when baby is a few weeks old we could go to her flat for lunch as she really wants to meet her half sister and baby and then maybe they could stay a weekend another time. She's also asked if we'd like to meet for Sunday lunch the weekend after next.

Very confused after all this time but it sounds like she may want to build bridges but got it all horribly wrong with her first attempt. She's told DP she really wants to get to know her half siblings but that whatever happens HER mum must not know about it as she'll go mad if she finds out.

All confusing. I think we should try the Sunday lunch she's suggested and see how it pans out.

I've also received my FIRST EVER email from her asking if she could please see a photo of DD.

Maybe the idea of the new baby is bringing things to a head with her? I don't know.

Sorry for such a rambling post

Soundslike a great opportunity. How sad thatshe cant share this positive turn of events with her mother.

Good for you saying no.

I'm relieved for you! I hope your lunch is what you hope but still say no if it comes up again!

Just reading this now and am so relieved to see you said NO!

And it does sound encouraging that she has offered the Sunday lunch alternative, which is a much better way to start. Maybe she has just grown up a bit and had a bit of a revelation. Or maybe she's having trouble with her mum.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes?

So pleased you said no, and equally pleased that she wants to arrange another time. Maybe she has just grown up?

Another one VERY pleased that you said no (the thought of having ANYONE staying straight after giving birth makes me shudder... it's US time)...

But it does sound like things are moving in the right direction. It would be lovely for your DD and new LO to have a much older Big DSis to look up to. And she'd be a great babysitter in the future if things work out!

That is fantastic, very pleased for you.

It sounds like your step daughter has is starting to look at the whole situation through her own eyes, rather than being influenced by her mum. I feel sad for her that she cannot let her mum know. It doesn't say much about the mother.

I do hope you manage to build a good relationship with your step daughter

I am very pleased and relieved for you, and agree with QLB - I hope that she has matured and genuinely wants to get to know you and your children.

My post earlier now makes me look like a cynical out trout, doesn't it?

I am a war-torn stepmother though so I'm excused

Ask her why it's so important she comes then & why she needs to bring her boyfriend. Explain calmly that you will be experiencing alot of changes and you don't think now is the right time but perhaps another time ?

Sorry about that.

Maybe she's broody?