Pocket money

[purpleroses]

DP and I are moving in together shortly. He has 4 DC aged 9-15 who come every weekend. Mine are 8.5 and 12 and live with me most of the time. We spend a lot of time together already and my DCs are already complaining that they don't receive as much pocket money as DP's do. What to do?

Background - His all get £5 a week from their mum, which I think is crazy - his 15 year old never has enough money (she's at a private school where I think a lot of the kids are given much more) - she wants to go out to the cinema, for food, to buy clothes, etc and is always skint. She says the boys she hangs out with (mostly a year older) pay for her a lot of the time, which worrys me a bit, but doesn't seem to bother DP.

But for the younger two (9 and 11) who don't yet have any independent social lives, £5 a week is way too much - they have savings piling up and the 9 year old was recently trying to pay is oldest sister £10 to tidy his room for him! Seems a crazy dynamic to set up with your children.

Meanwhile my youngest gets £5 a month - which mainly goes on sweets, and my 12 year old gets £10 a month - mainly on sweets and computer games. I often use fines, or threats of fines to encourage good behavour - and this works well, but there's no way it is going to work with DP's younger two who are rolling in money. (plus I'm not sure if I or DP can really fine them money that someone else gives them..)

According to DP, his ex says she gives the kids the same money because he pays her the same for each child He says there's nothing he can do about it despite the crazy family dynamics it creates. He tries to help his eldest out a bit by paying her to babysit, but this does nothing to reduce the huge savings of the younger two.

I want my kids to feel they're treated broadly equally to DP's but don't feel I can possibly copy such as stupid system of paying young kids money they don't need. What would you do?

Hmm. Yeah, it sounds bonkers to me to give them all the same amount, but there really isn't anything you can do about what the mum gives the DSCs, and it seems illogical to try to 'match' your kids to that!

I think I'd have to say to my kids "sorry, I can't control how DSC's mum handles it at her house during the week, but I'm your mum and here's how we do it in our house." I guess it's really just the same as if she let the DSCs stay up later, or bought them things you won't buy your kids, or get body piercings...there are gonna be two sets of rules, and the kids will just have to live with that, I think.

I guess, too, that you will need a different 'currency' to withold from the DSCs, since the fining system might not be possible.

My DSCs are 14 and 17. They get a ridiculous amount of pocket money - £20 and £25 per week, respectively. It is a lot, I know, especially given that we are truly struggling financially. It is too much, and that removes any incentive for DSD to look for work (she is in school but could and should be working a bit on the weekends and in the summer). It is more than DSS needs, especially, and he usually has a good stash put aside that ends up going on video games. (and yes, we have had them trying to pay one another to do a chore...which never goes well.)

However, it still works out to be less than what was being spent under their old system, where they did not get enough money to pay for their own things, and so disney daddy DH bought everything they wanted, wih disasterous results. In the old system, they also had no responsibilities, and there was no sense of accountability. Plus, if they lost or broke something, they'd just expect DH to replace it.

Now, we pay for their 'necessities' and they pay for the rest - going out with friends, sweets, 'non-essential' clothing and toiletries (some disagreement with DSS over how 'essential' Hollister aftershave is!), gifts for friends and family at holidays, phone credit... They get about half of the pocket money regardless of behaviour, and the other half they get only if they have done their (pretty minimal) chores. It is not perfect, but it is better than the old system.

They go to school with kids that are much better off than we are, and so they have a distorted sense of what 'ought' to be provided for them, and what things are 'necessary'. It is very tough, as they are doing pretty well, but still I think feel very put upon and deprived!

Thanks brdgrl -your DSC's pocket money does indeed sound absurd. What you did with making them pay for more things sounds very sensible, but it isn't something I can easily do because of having to treat them similarly to my own - If I take the kids to the cinema I can't very well tell DP's kids to pay for their own tickets (because they have more money) and then pay for mine themselves. I could try to give mine a bit more and expect them to pay for more but feel my 8 year old especially would consider £5 for the cinema a bit steep and 5 ice creams to be preferable . Maybe I could slip mine a £5 each on the way to the cinema and then tell them all they're all paying for their own ticket....?

Yes, I think we will have to look for a different 'currency' for punishments - removing computer time could work for the boys (but wouldn't bother the girls), or just time out alone in a bedroom maybe.

It's trying to work out which things are household rules (bedtimes, computer time, etc) and which are "main parent rules" (ear piercing, mobile phone ownership, etc - and I guess pocket money) but then having to live with the consequences of such inequality between the DCs and wanting to treat them equally when they're together.

What you did with making them pay for more things sounds very sensible, but it isn't something I can easily do because of having to treat them similarly to my own
No, that makes sense...you also have an additional problem, in that the oldest girl is getting the same amount, so you couldn't really be asking her to pay for more things. It must be tough...I'd probably end up quite resentful, too, of anything we did pay for (cinema tickets, etc), knowing that they were at such an advantage to the other kids.

I guess there is no chance of negotiating something different between DP and the ex...

I think the "treat them all the same" approach can only be applied to your own household - regardless of how their other families treat them.

In our house, it is my DD who is significantly financially advantaged over DSS, because her Dad and grandparents give her more.

DP and I stick to age appropriate responsibilities and privileges for DD and DSS - we allocate what we believe is an appropriate amount of pocket money for their age, an expect an age-appropriate contribution to the household.

I do restrict DD's expenditure to a reasonable level if we are out as a family. When we are out all together, DD and DSS take similar amounts of spending money with them, and we will pay for the same for both of them. But, if DD decides to spend money she has saved on a specific toy/game etc from Amazon or a local shop, then I support her to do that independent of DSS - if he asks about it later, we explain that DD saved up her money to pay for it - he's actually much better at saving the DD is!

It is a fact of life in blended families that step-siblings are going to experience different things in their "other home" and we try to support them to accept this - DSS may not get as much pocket money, but he went on holiday with his mum, for instance. DD has a smartphone, but DSS has a DSi. DSS had an extra day off school this week, DD gets an extra day in the summer. It seems to be the only way to deal with it, really.

I agree with everyone else. That's a lot of money going out to kids that don't need it and the eldest need more maybe.

We have DSD 8 who is encouraged to do "jobs" for extra money or chores to help. Good school performance is rewarded with a treat financial £5 or otherwise something small she might like. The eldest DSS is 13, he has to cut the lawn or wash cars tidy bedroom, Hoover, pretty much whatever he likes and he will get additional top ups of £5. Good school reports with continued improvement are £10, or discussed in that region IUSWIM. He's struggled at first with this but has totally got the hang of it now and knows if he doesn't shift himself he gets no pocket money. Sounds mean but it works well. To begin with it was hard but they've both got the deal sewn up. No arguements now and it works quite well. It probably costs between £10- 15 a month on average.... Depending on how motivated they are. They are both understanding the value of money slowly. DSD is better at saving I might add!

I pity ur situation as its hard to say no when the others have it but maybe there's a way u can say our house our rules so they get it..

This is pretty coll threejars You can calculate for each kid. No reason to not use moving in as an opportunity to reevaluate - I'm sure this won't be the only area for each of you.

cool not coll!

I do think though that the children should be treated equally (not the same) in your house regardless of what their other parents may do. That might sounds mad but I do think it.

Thanks. wickedest - We do want to treat them fairly - and with some of them being the same age, that does mean equally at times. But the trouble is we can't revaluate how much DP's DCs get because his ex is the one who gives it to them! So whilst he spending of money is something we need 'house' rules for, the amounts given are 'parent' rules.

brdgrl - I'd love DP to talk with his ex to agree something more sensible, but really can't see it happening - she and DP don't argue or anything, but nor do they really communicate a great deal. I might try suggesting it - maybe she could put half the money she gives to the younger two aside into savings for them or something if she insists she needs to spend the same on each of them.

But most likely he won't even bring it up. So either I have to even things up by giving mine far more than they need. Or we have to go on with some of the kids rolling in money and my two having to save up for things they want, budget carefully, etc whilst DP's youngest gloats about all his savings and has no sense of the value of money.

purple - why are you trying to factor into
your family decisions the impact of the DSC's mums actions, though?

It shouldn't matter what happens when they're with their mum - by trying to accommodate the decisions made in their other household in your own home, what are you actually teaching them?

Because they bring the pocket money that she gives them with them each weekend. We can't take it off them!

So we can't make decisions about how much money his kids get. We can only decide what things the kids need to pay for themselves, and don't feel we can really impose different rules for his kids as for my two for that. So his kids get things paid for them (because my two don't get enough pocket money to be buying their own cinema tickets, etc) and their money just mounts up.

This is why blended families are so hard - but rather than try and fight against it - work within the reality you have

If one of you DSC is mean/gloats, then use it as an opportunity to teach him empathy, and to appreciate what he has.

There will be hundreds of big and little things like this - one of my DDs biggest gripes is that DSS school serves filled baguettes at lunch and hers doesn't! He is equally put out that DDs school allow them to eat lunch outside - you will never create an equitable environment when DCs have other homes

You house, your rules!

If your DSC are bringing wads of cash with them and flaunting it - take it off them until they return to their mums.
I've done this with DD, and with electronic devices I don't want used in our home. It's your home, you can control what happens in it, but not outside it.

My DSD doesn't get pocket money as such but credit put on her phone and we have a reward chart that if she does everything she is meant to do for the week she gets something but at 10 she doesn't need money as such

See now I'd tell them they can use their pocket money from their mum in their mums time and then I'd work out a way to give them equal to the others while their at yours.
Half their age in pounds seems to be sensible.
Does that make me mean... Probably. It's their money after all. But the other option is as you say to try to get their mum to change what she does in her house - not usually much of an option IME!!

So either I have to even things up by giving mine far more than they need. Or we have to go on with some of the kids rolling in money and my two having to save up for things they want, budget carefully, etc whilst DP's youngest gloats about all his savings and has no sense of the value of money.

I definitely don't think you should do the former. Otherwise you are going to be setting a precedent for things in the future. You don't want her to, in effect, be dictating how things are done with your kids! I mean, suppose she were to buy the DSCs each a car at 16...would you then have to match that to keep things equal, or would you feel bad that your kids had to get the bus whilst their step-siblings were driving around in a shiny new car? It is unfortunate, and I'm sure very frustrating, but I think you have to stick to your plans/values/means...

On the other hand, and if your DP is onboard with it, I think you could come up with some subtle/sneaky workarounds. Say that the kids have to get their own cinema tickets - but give your kids the chance (during the times they are with you and the DSCs are not) to earn cinema vouchers. You can buy them ahead of time and then your kids are not getting cash - yes, you are increasing the value of what they get, overall, but since you will no longer be buying the tickets on the day, your outlay doesn't change, and the DSCs will then have to dip into their own pool of money. (And perhaps you could do the same for the older girl, when she's with you.)

There might be other things, too, where you could 'prepay' by getting vouchers, which your kids could earn through chores or good behaviour, or even just given outright - after all, that's no different from the DSCs mum giving them cash. Any cries (from the younger DSCs) of "not fair" are easily dismissed under these circumstances, I should think! You could even make homemade vouchers, which your kids have to 'earn'. In a way, that could move the issue back under "house rules" and less under "parent rules".

I guess I am fortunate in that my DD is much, much younger than DSD so has no idea how much her big step sister is spoilt. I can imagine how stressful this is for you. I agree with brdgirl about setting the precident and the car etc... But with this philosophy, you can't really ask their mum to change what she does in her her house because it is just as unreasonable as you changing what you do in yours.
I say, don't let them bring their pocket money in to your house. And if they still gloat about savings and being loaded then use it as an oppotunity to express how you don't feel that is a nice quality to have.

This has been niggling at me all day; I've been giving it a lot of thought!

It has never occurred to me or DP that we could try to "even up" the differences between the DC's income/benefits from other homes

I suppose we've always assumed it is part of the deal of combining families who have other homes as well as ours........we've tried to emphasis that we treat them all the same, not that they are all treated equally in life

Is one way preferable to the other? I suppose that's a question to adults who can remember growing up in this situation, really? Do step-siblings resent each other because of the way the other parent treats them? Is DSS going to grow up thinking that we didn't make sure he got the same opportunities as DD did from her Dad?

How far should you go? My PIL pay for DSD sport tuition, for instance - but DSS & DD don't receive equivalent from them, or from us, it is just accepted that DSD receives that, and they don't. We've taken DSS on holiday without DD, and DD spends more time here, so we've done things without DSS....but when we are all together, they get treated the same.

Perhaps we are lucky in that both DD and DSS are quite empathetic - but I wouldn't tolerate bragging or splurging, for instance. We have also assumed that the DC's understand the idea that they have "Dads house money" and "mums house money" - which isn't something we introduced - DSS did, because when he took the regular regular pocket money he was receiving from us to his mums, it was being taken by his sister, so he started leaving it here!

This has really got me thinking, and has given DP and I a lot more to talk and think about!

Thanks all - it's good to have some input. It's just a bit frustrating really.

The kids are all quite aware - and quite OK about - the fact that they don't all get the same life - DP's DC are at private schools, but mine know that as there's only two of them they get more time with their parents, taken to more activities, etc, and more local friends. They know that their dad has very little money but does fun stuff with them at times. They're all OK about all that and we're not trying to make life the same for them all.

The thing I hadn't given any thought to was the possibility of dad's house money and mum's house money. I could see if DP would be willing to suggest to his ex that she encourages at least the youngest three to keep their money there and then we could give them what we think they need for when they're with us. She might be OK about that - as it would actually mean more money in her household.

If not, then I think it will have to be some sneaky workarounds - and making it clear that bragging is not OK. It's only the youngest that does this at present - and he was fined £5 by DP this week for leaving his homework behind so DP had to drive across town to pick it up, so if he does that too often he'll soon have a bit less wealth

I could see if DP would be willing to suggest to his ex that she encourages at least the youngest three to keep their money there and then we could give them what we think they need for when they're with us. She might be OK about that - as it would actually mean more money in her household.

Why not just suggest it to the DCs - buying them each a purse/moneybox to take back with them one day? Explain they won't need all their pocket money at your house and it's safer if they don't carry lots of cash back and forward? Do they bring luggage back and forth, or do they have duplicates of essentials at each house? If the latter, just include pocket money in one of those things they don't need at Dads because they've got some there already

Unless things are really co-operative between your DP and his ex, then making this sort of suggestion is likely at the very least, to cause tension, and at worst, give his ex another stick to beat him/you with.

Your house, your rules - money stays at mums!

They bring a suitcase with them each weekend. Seems a bit daft to me - but it's what they've always done and seems to work well enough. It means she gets all the laundry So pocket money would have to be specifically excluded. I'll talk to DP and see what he thinks the best way might be to approach it. It would be nice if we had some control over the money they have.

Eeek your DP fined the child money out of money that his mum gave him..? no, no, no... not okay I don't think.

I would be livid if my ex didn't give DD pocket money (he doesn't) and fined her out of money I had given her. I'm seating at the thought. Or for that matter if DSD's mother (who gices no pocket money) fined DSD out of money that had come from mine and DH's pockets!!!

[wicked overeacts] (and has some then calms down)

NADM - I don't think you and your DH have anything to talk about, it sounds like you have it spot on tbh.

We don't all get treated the same in life. As long as favouritism isn't being shown then there is no reason that kids shouldnt be able to accept that different homes have different wealth. But no, I don't think it's fair that they come to your house with money that your own children don't have. Don't try to persuade their mum to get them to keep it there - tell them out-right! "This is our home and here you are all treated equally, not the same, but equally, and according to your ages we feel you should have X amount of pocket money"

End.

The fine was a one off - agreed with the ex's consent because it was when the kids were being dropped back at hers by DP that it was noticed to be missing - so he drove back to fetch it. Ordinarily me and DP can't be fining them money that she gives them - which is part of the problem. So enjoy your but don't worry

Ha ha PR... I came over all hot and bothered then

Witholding cash affects different children differently. If kids are the money burns holes in their pockets type, I think it works well, because the results are reasonably instant - they can't have the thing they wanted to buy this/next week.

If however, they are savers, knocking £1 off their pocket money isn't going to make much impact if they've got £200 stashed in their piggy bank.