How close should I get?

[MandM4eva]

My boyfriend has a 3 year old who he has full custody. The boys mother is in a mental institution battling depression and alcoholism. She has very little contact with her son and has seen him only a few times since November 2011. I feel for him and feel he needs a mothers love at this stage in his life as well as a fathers.
I sincerely hope the mother battles her demons and recovers enough to be a mother to him. But in the meantime my maternal instincts are on overdrive when I am with him and I sometimes hold back as I dont want to over step the mark. Where should I draw the line?

How long have you been with your DP? My DP's ex is in a home now due to alcohol abuse and we have care of her 2 DD's full time. I have had to become like a mum to them - as they wanted and needed me to be. We had been together 2.5 years when they came to live with us and I had to be ready for the responsiblity and the role I was to play in their life - as I didn't want to upset their little lives anymore than it had been. Even now when we row they worry that we'll split up - so I think if you have a good, strong relationship with your DP and it's for the long term then be there for him - he will love it. If on the other hand it's a new relationship I think you need to tread slowly

Thanks for your response Fooso. I have been with my DP for 9 months. We have a loving stable relationship although we do not live together. He trusts me enough to collect his son from nursery and look after him till he finishes work in the evening. I love looking after him and he is a pleasure to be with. But I find it terribly sad that he doesn't ever mention his mum.

I know how you feel it's so sad for them. My DP takes them to visit their mum about once a month/6 weeks (quite a distance) and she rings a couple of times a week. They do need a "mother" type figure though - well a good one anyway - and I know that my 2 step daughters love me and I got a mothers day card saying "thanks for being like a mum to us" which made me nearly cry. I think all you can do is respond to him - go at his pace - what else can you do? I would say that I do talk about their mum to them. If they're drawing I say shall we draw a picture for Mum? I thkink that way you are not pretending to be mum but you are something else to him. Can you talk about her? It's lovely that you like to be with him and it sounds like you can have a lovely relationship - and you can fill a little gap for him. There is nothing wrong with that

I think it is lovely that you feel this way about him, he's lucky to have you. (and so is your DP for having you do all the work you are doing for him!!)

I do think though that you need to tread a little carefully. The child has obviously had a lot of ups and downs in his little life and I personally don't think that a nine month relationship is secure enough for the child to depend on (maybe I'm a bitter old un-romantic).

That said, if you are with him then I can't see how else you can act but naturally.. and if you feel warm to him I certainly wouldn't advise that you turn cold! I just think maybe his dad should be with him more often with you as a fun and caring person who is also around and can offer some of the "softer" things that maybe dad isn't so strong on.

Hi, I think you just need to be yourself. I am SM to a boy whose mum left when he was little. He sees mum, she is still his mum, but she is far away. I talk a bit about his mum, I mention her and listen to him talking about her (the good and the bad, he is sad/angry sometimes and often talks). At the age you describe, my DSS rarely mentioned his mum except in factual terms. He presumably has very limited memory of his mum? It will be as he gets older and thinks about his mum that he will talk about her I assume.

However there is one thing in your post that slightly concerns me which is that you are collecting from nursery for your partner - is this regular? It might be better, until you live with your partner, for you to avoid doing this childcare. Otherwise, if you did break up, there will have to be a change in the child's routine which might be hard on him.

hi everyone. the collecting from nursey thing is not regular as he has grandparents to rely on for that. but I do it now and then if both grandparents have other commitments like hosp appointments and i am not at work that day. the child sees it as a special treat for me to collect him as I have a puppy who he adores and a teenage son who he hero worships so he gets to play with both of them on that day.