Wise step-parents, give me ideas to help Dss

[Readyisknitting]

Dss is 9. He spends 50% of his time with each parent, literally.

His mum is getting married in June, to a chap who seems ok, just met him in passing. Dss thinks he's ok, although prior to this chap moving in it was just dss and his mother and so she was rather dependant on him iygwim

We (myself, and my 3 pests ;)) moved in with his dad last Aug, although we'd been visiting at weekends for much longer.

Dss is now experiencing a lot of anger. At just about everything. I know boys have a testosterone surge at this age, but even so, this is disproportionate.

I suspect there is a degree of jealousy going on, probably most of it because my 3 are here full time and he's not. He is closer to dp, common hobbies etc, and a lot of the weekend is just dss and dp off footballing, because dss plays for a local team that dp coaches. Given this I suspect some of the problem is not that he's not getting enough dad time, just that he perceives the other 3 to be getting more because of the nights that he's not here.

It doesn't help that he'll be missing out on stuff that he would otherwise do with us at the beginning of the summer holidays because he's off with his mum to Spain, and while he'll have a ball there, his natural inclination is to brood over what he'll be missing out on.

I need ideas. How can I help him see that the glass is half full, not half empty?

Gosh, spooky, I will be watching this with interest as my DSS (8) is also soooo angry right now. My poor DSS seems to be struggling with two truths - 1) we can't control what happens in life or what other people choose to do and 2) parents are not perfect and don't always have answers/solutions.

DSS is also very negative sometimes, he looks on what he is missing too. He misses a lot when he goes to mum's because we are generally a more 'doing' household, but of course if he didn't go he would miss out on seeing mum. This does his head in I think, he genuinely wants to be in two places at once.

Sorry, I have no answers, but I guess I could make us both a while we wait for wisdom to arrive?

Also, could you describe how the anger manifests itself in your DSS?

Here we have refusal to do things, not speaking, back turning plus a bit of stomping.

going down nicely :) We are like you, a doing, child orientated household, whereas at his mums he doesn't, he'll spend a lot of time on a pooter, or out in the street.

Dss thumps (tables, ds), kicks (stuff, furniture, toys), stomps, shouts, grumps... the ATTITUDE!!!!!!! Oh My. He'll refuse to do stuff, like your's, when he knows full well that he is going to do whatever it is- wash hands for supper, do homework, you know the stuff.
He seems to wear a scowl a lot of the time.

We've had the "I wish mum and dad hadn't spilt, and I think it's the realisation that the other household are doing other stuff. I think also the realisation that his mum isn't as organised or on the ball is beginning to show :(

Quite often telling him to scowl harder, or to change his pants and stick the grumpy ones in the wash calm it for a bit because he can't help giggling, but longer term I'd like to help him to cope with disappointment and anger. I know ds is an annoying little sod at times, but thumping him because he is, or because you have to do your reading.... it's not on.

I try to treat all 4 of them the same btw.

Hi, like you I can divert from the anger or listen to the anger and soothe him but nothing seems to reduce the anger itself, it's like a well - take some out the top, it rises back to the same level

We don't get any violence fortunately, just massive massive grumpiness and the look of death. He also asks annoying questions he already knows the answer to, so things he knows are done one way he will ask and ask to do differently. In fact just this very second he has asked 'do I put your change in that pot' when he has for two years put all change on the shelf when he comes back from the shop. I get questions like this maybe thirty times a day (different ones) and then he gets very hostile when I give him an answer. He gets angry if I say 'you know where it goes' or if I tell him where it does go. It is like he is setting up the conflict for some reason that I cannot understand.

In addition there are things about mum's he does not like and he somehow manufactures them to happen here and then gets very angry with us about them. I think he is acting out. An example is at mum's he doesn't get breakfast til late and is not allowed to get his own. He does not like this. Here he is allowed to get his own any time after 6am. But he won't and then will get very angry with us because he is hungry and 'wasn't allowed' his breakfast .

I am struggling to keep going a bit at the moment, the whole atmosphere is just dominated by his bad mood. Poor toddler puts his fingers in his ears when it starts up now - I only wish I could do the same!

DSS (8) is similar -we've managed it so far with intermittent youth counselling, but I'm not sure it is a long-term solution, tbh

I know that I regularly underestimate the impact that it has on DC's when they are faced with contrasting parenting styles and the conclusions they draw about the love/commitment of each parent as a result.

As an example, my DD knows that I won't allow her unsupervised access to the internet. The computer is in a family room, and she is not allowed internet devices in her room. I have explained to her my reasons, and that I do this to keep her safe. She has heard the same message at school and written in guidance for parents.
So is it any wonder that she starts to doubt her Dad when he allows her unsupervised access to the internet in her room at his house - she wonders how come Dad isn't protecting her from something dangerous - doesn't he care?

We know that DSS is dealing with these issues as well, and with inconsistencies from his mum - such as him being allowed to "opt out" of court ordered contact if he wants to, but if he asked to see his Dad more, being told that the court order has to be followed to the letter.

On a practical level we have introduced written house rules to address the physical thumping and aggression - that was a non-negotiable for me - and a zero-tolerance approach to any violence (delivered in a firm, calm and understanding manner) has eliminated it all-together.
The other thing we have done is bring the issues out in the open - if DSS is withdrawn, grumpy or downright unpleasant, we draw attention to it - are you struggling with life today, DSS?. If he gives attitude back, then he is expected to take it to his room until he can be civil, but often, it is enough for him just to have it acknowledged that sometimes, life as an eight year old is hard

Hi I realise this post was a little while ago but I will try to help. It's so important to keep in mind the jelousy your stepson must feel constantly. His mum is getting married soon so presumably all that is very new and exciting for them and he is probably not the focus of their attention. At the same time he is aware that his Dad is now full time father to your three children, and in his eyes thats not fair because he's his and no one elses. You musn't underestimate the intensity of jelousy and injustice that children can feel. Also the fact that he shares his time with both parents equally (whilst that is lovely) it must also be quite unsettling for him and he is probably aware of the fact that for his mum his time with you is a break for them. For example they may discuss plans infront of him for dinner etc. without any intention of being unkind, but revealing that for them his temporary absence for them is viewed positively. I am 20 and still feel angry when i think about all the the things my dad missed out on when i was a child, but all the times he was there for his stepchildren. I'm not sure that seperation is the answer but perhaps activities and days out for just your stepson and his dad would help show that whilst your partner loves your children, their relationship is special.