Am I too strict?

[Lala1980]

My Dp has 4 kids that stay with us every other weekend. They are being brought up primarily by their mother who doesn't seem to have any standards and basically lets the kids rule the roost. I have no children of my own and my my own admission am not very tolerant. I would like to help the children learn some basic manners, ps and qs, they can't even use a knife and fork! I admit my upbringing was quite strict but it did me no harm. DP is quite disneyish and says I should chill out and let them be. I find this hard as knowing where they live, who their mother is etc... they could very easily turn out to be proper little asbos. How can I help them 2 days out of 14 if my Dp won't back me up? If you think I am being unreasonable, how do you chill out about things that seriously compromise your own standards? People who already have kids seem to be more tolerant... help as I get very stressed every time the kids come to stay...

wouldn,t say strict,but your coming across as a snob.

How can I help them 2 days out of 14 if my Dp won't back me up?

Without your DP's support, you can't.

sorry to be negative, but he is their parent, and you can only ever play a supporting role as a step-parent.

This is a particularly difficult issue to address even when both of you are on board - my DP and I have been battling for months to teach DSS age appropriate manners and personal skills.

If you think I am being unreasonable, how do you chill out about things that seriously compromise your own standards?

In your case, and I don't think YABU, but I would suggest disengaging. Decide on your boundaries (mine are that I won't eat out with DSS, and I don't sit opposite him at the table), tell you DP, and then let him get on with it. If it is too big a challenge to your standards - then you might have to reconsider the relationship, just as you would if you disagreed with your DP about other values/standards/ethics. If you can't agree to disagree, then what alternative is there?

I think it is really important to separate out 'house rules' from 'child improvement projects'. House rules are a reasonable expectation, they are based on specific behaviours (not personality issues), and it is possible to get results. Child improvement projects are not going to get you anywhere and are just going to lead to conflict and unhappiness all around.

What are the rules that you and your DP can agree on? You have an absolute right to have a say in how things are done in your home, and especially around areas that directly affect you. You will probbaly get more cooperation if you focus on a few very specific areas and how they impact on family life, rather than trying to change all the kids' habits at once.

I chose the areas that directly impacted on me, and put down my foot there. I insisted on no mobile phones at the table, and that we eat at the table, not all over the house, for instance, and we expect everyone to be given a chance to talk and be listened to. What they do elsewhere is not my concern, much as I would love to think that they would be well-mannered everywhere they go - but at our family table, there are rules. These rules are not as strict as those I enforce with my own DD - for my own sanity, I have accepted that my DSCs manners will not be what I'd expect from my own DD. That doesn't mean I have to put up with bad manners altogether. In the rest of the house/life, it is the same. They can make a filthy mess of their rooms, but shared areas have to be clean - and if their rooms begin to stink or become a fire hazard, they need to bring them back within inoffensive limits. And so on...

Like notdisney has suggested - establish what your own boundaries are and stick to them, clearly and consistently. Forget about improving the kids - just focus on making life together more pleasant for all.

(I think there was a similar thread on here just last week, I think - you might have a look back at the responses to that, too.)

I'd also suggest that (especially with 4 kids who have plenty of time to forget the 'new rules' in between stays) you and your DH make a written chart with these rules. Not too many of them, and nothing they can't handle for their ages - but a very few, very clear reminders.

Thank you for the constructive advice ladies. I promise I am not a snob and I want to prevent them becoming asbos, didn't say they are. Can anyone advise on what is age appropriate behaviour? Children and parenting is totally alien to me! #steeplearningcurve

Children are very adaptable. Choose the things that are important to you and then let the little things go.

And don't talk about them becoming "asbos" because they don't hold their knives properly. Just a suggestion.......

You sound horrible.

Describing any children as "little asbos" is just vile.

And don't talk about them becoming "asbos" because they don't hold their knives properly. Just a suggestion.......

I quite agree - not holding a knife properly is no indication of future anti-social behaviour.

On the other hand, living with a parent who allows the DC's to rule the roost is far more likely to result in teens and young adults with no self control or boundaries.....

I don't think you are wrong to be concerned OP - but you'll need to develop a thick skin if you use MN to vent - even here on the step-parenting boards, SM are fair game, usually

You have to be very tuned in to children to know what is age-appropriate, really, it isn't always terribly helpful to say a two year old can do this, a five year old can do that...my DS was very prem so didn't meet lots of developmental milestones.

Having said that, if you post the ages of the children you might get more tailored advice (eg if they are 15 and can't use a knife and fork it would be worrying!).

Encouragement is always a good way to go - reward chart? Sit down with your DH and have a chat about what you could encourage the kids to do - and remember he is the parent. And perhaps you could think of a little activity you could do with each child to improve the relationship a bit?

Oh if I was the op I would have to leave the room to stop myself coming down like a tin of bricks- I can't bear badly behaved children! It was rh op's turn of phrase that sat wrong not her desire for civilised behaviour!

But I'm not sure how far she should go- surely the children's father needs to take the lead?

You can certainly find some general guidelines as to age-appropriate expectations - but like balia says, kids do have different abilities. Also keep in mind that kids who haven't been accustomed to doing much are probably going to be 'behind' in their skills, so truly won't be able to do as much as kids from whom more has already been expected. Think of it like they are learning to read - if they haven't been practising their reading skills on 'early readers', they aren't going to be ready for Harry Potter at the same age as everyone else, either!

Take chores for example. I think my DSS (14) is in theory old enough and intelligent enough to mow the lawn, to cook meals with multiple ingredients, and do a load of laundry. But he's not quite there, honestly, because when he was 12, he still wasn't using the oven or running the hoover, and when he was 8, he still wasn't cleaning his room or dusting or making his bed. So we are playing 'catch up', I suppose. He needs a lot of hand-holding and step-by-step directions for every job, and a lot of reminders. But in a couple of years, he's gone from not being able to take a hot dish out of the oven to just making frozen pizzas, to being able to, with help, make a simple home-cooked meal like sausages and mash.

This is just one example of a list of chores by age grouping, it looks pretty reasonable to me but I am sure people have different ideas about it all. www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com/chore_list.htm

Here is another list; this one is not just chores, but also includes basic life skills like brushing teeth, answering the phone politely, etc -
www.staidenshomeschool.com/files/TeachingLifeSkills.pdf

Maybe you could discuss with your DH where the kids are on this list and where you'd both like them to be. But again, I'd really keep the focus on the things that directly affect you.

Hi, You can't influence how they will turn out it's solely the parents role and you are just a support for your partner. I have to say 4 step children is tough, most parents would be challenged by a weekend parenting 4 dc's but at least the parents have been able to come to terms with them over years (assume they are not quads!)

The advice given has been excellent however I would also add that you would be sensible to have a step mum's relief budget i.e money set aside to take yourself off for a weekend when you need time out. It maybe a life saver for you.

You & your partner must agree the house rules, i.e teaching them manners for but make sure he takes the lead or else you will just become the wicked evil step mum:)

Step parenting is the hardest parenting job (much, much harder that parenting your own children) so you have had a baptism of fire coping with 4 step children.

brd - those lists are brilliant - thank you!

Thankyou so much for the helpful and constructive advice. I WANT to get this and am trying so hard. I agree that my turn of phrase lacked thought but it is more than table manners that led me to say that (trashing house, possessions, each other). The childrens ages and sexes are as follows: boy 10 mild aspergers. girl 8. Boy 6. Boy nearly 4 - very concerned he still wears nappies and speech is very backward. I do get on best and find better behaved the little girl - is that because I'm female? just wish I had more patience and tolerance :-(

When DSD was here half the week every week I got annoyed by her lack of manners, it used to really annoy me that she couldn't use a knife or fork and that she got food all round her mouth etc. I used to pick her up on it and so did DH. I have to say thought that every other weekend isn't that often so you might just be best off ignoring it. I doubt you will have much of an influence in that time. i.e. if they are going to be "littleasbos" then 4 days a month with you probably won't solve that problem.

If it is rudeness towards you, or bad manners when out etc. though then you have every right to set boundries and stick to them.

"I think it is really important to separate out 'house rules' from 'child improvement projects'. House rules are a reasonable expectation, they are based on specific behaviours (not personality issues), and it is possible to get results. Child improvement projects are not going to get you anywhere and are just going to lead to conflict and unhappiness all around."

this is spot on.