What a surprise - not.

[NotaDisneyMum]

Well, after all the drama of last week, DSD has cried off coming to see DP today because she is ill.

Why am I not surprised? Fortunately, DP was half expecting it, so he's disappointed, but not devastated.

It will all go quiet now until the next time she and her mum fall out and DP will be expected to rush to the rescue and our life will be turned upside down - because that's what you do for your DC's, isn't it?

This sounds like a very familiar story to me too. DP's daughter doesn't want to visit him, cries off for any and no reason and her mother doesn't put her foot down and say "You're going". I suspect she likes the idea that she is the "popular" parent. Very very frustrating.
DWD holds all the power and it's wrong.

Gah! DSD, not DWD (Whatever one of those is)

It's the nature of the beast I'm afraid.

nana in what way?

I will never allow my DD to opt out of spending time with her Dad, for instance?

DSD behaviour is a consequence of her parenting, by both her parents - surely it's not inevitable that all DSC will turn out like this?

Agree with you NADM. I don't think that children and teenagers should be allowed a choice as to whether or not they see their nrp (unless there is some kind of abuse of course). In our case, it feels very much as though the mother doesn't see the need, feels she'd rather sit tight with her new family (she has recently remarried) and will take the easy route of never challenging DSD's behaviour.
Agree that behaviour is a consequence of two peoples' parenting - and it's VERY hard if one permits the other to be sidelined.

My details are on another SPing thread "My kids don't like their SM" and I expect I have been flamed - haven't been on the thread yet. I suppose my brief post was just to say step parenting is riddled with hurt,frustration, anger, jealousy and god knows how many other emotions. My step parenting days are over 40 years ago, and thank god for that. We never got it right and it caused me to have some very miserable years. I have tried to be honest in giving the details in my other post, and I don't come out of it smelling of roses.

I suppose when I see posts on this thread sometimes I just think "been there, done that" but I think I am wrong because when I was going through SPing stuff all those years ago, there was nothing like this and I didn't know any other SPs. I had a close friend in whom I could confide and this helped to keep me sane!

I see many of the issues that I struggled with onthese posts and just feel so sorry for everyone involved, birthmum, birthdad, stepmum,stepfather but most of all the children of course who are caught in the middle of this convaluted web of people's emotions being played out for years on end.

nana I think it was a lot harder years ago - there were more traditional roles and people didn't talk about family problems openly

If you don't mind me asking, What would you do differently if you had the chance? Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but if we can learn from each others experience, them hopefully the DCs involved will survive with fewer scars

Oh dear NDM yours is a difficult question. I think the thing is that we are not dealing with matters of logic and practicality, but one of emotions, and it is clear from these posts that many of the issues I struggled with are still alive and well (so to speak)

I think one mistake we made was that because my DP wanted everything to be on an even keel when SD (M) was with us, and this caused frustration for me and my sons knew they knew not to say anything either. M would tell fanciful stories that were clearly untrue but none of us said anything, so she thought we believed her. My eldest son (who was M's age) sometimes challenged her and then she would get in a strop and cry and DP would jump to defend her. It sounds like a smallproblem but M grew up, telling the same sort of lies and of course other kids disbelieved her and she was bullied at school. I probably said in the other post I didn't really understand at the time that she was telling these lies because she was not happy at home with her mom and SD, though she never said this. Also looking back I can see now that ours was a much more child centred home (whereas her mum and SD were always smoking cannabis and M was left to her own devices a lot) and she may well have resented this. I think one of the problems was I just saw the sulky behaviour etc without realising what was the the underlying cause.

I know much more about human emotions now and I had no understanding of this at the time. Mind I can't honestly say that even if I had understood M's behaviour was grounded in insecurity etc that I would have been able to feel more fondly about her - I don't think I would. The other things was my DP was much harder on my son than he was on SD but he always said it was "ok for me because I had my child with me all the time and he only saw his DD during contact visits." This was true but I jumped at my DH like a tiger when I heard him having a go at my son (only verbal, but nitpicking that wasn't necessary) and this caused lots of problems. In fact my son said to me when he was about 12 "don't keep sticking up for me when X has a go at me because it just makes things worse because then you two start arguing." I wish I had followed his advice but I couldn't.

Years later my DP confessed that it wasn't so much what was annoying him with my son, it was because of the way I always jumped to his defence. I actually believe this is the crux of the matter in many Step families - I read the things that SMs are irritated about and I honestly think that subconciously their annoyance/frustration has little to do with whatever it is the skid is doing, and much more to do with the way DP or DH will always take his kid's side - hence the name DisneyDad. I'm not suggesting that things the skid does (or doesn't do) are not annoying or frustrating but strongly suspect that at a sub-conscious level it is the emotions that are there (just beneath the surface) that are the real problems, and it is hard to admit to feeling jealous of the child's r/ship with his her father, and much easier to complain about other things. I think the fact that I had a son who was SD tohim, made things much more complicated and I admit to saying things like "Oh you wouldn't be going on to M about that" etc etc and of course caused lots of rows and many miserable years really.

Phew - if I was being cynical I would say I would never get involved with anyone who had children or subject my child to a SD. I am moving to the other thread because I think I am getting a fair bit of criticism, so if you are interested you could follow the "debate"

Nana -sorry to see you got such a roasting in the other thread.
I think we can learn a lot from your hindsight!
I know I'm guilty of some of your mistakes and admire your honesty?

Thanks Kaluki - I must say I was surprised at the roasting though it really doesn't bother me, as this has not happened when I've posted before and shared my own experiences. In fact it has enabled other SMs to be open about their feelings. For some reason I think some of the posters (especially the ones who were very hostile) were not SPs by their own admission. It does beg the question why they are on the SPing thread.

Thanks again for your support.

You do need a thick skin on this board Nana.
I have taken my fair share of pastings on here, usually by non step parents I have to admit, but also got some excellent advice and support too.
I guess you take the rough with the smooth!!