Present Buying

[peugotgringo]

Hi All

I have not given all the info here as it would be an essay but happy to answer any questions and fill in blanks where needed.

DH has a 13yo DD. We don't see her and haven't done since Xmas. She's ignored him and all his calls, texts, cards through the post etc. He's understandably hurt and pissed off. He's even resorted in desperation to get some reaction to saying out right that she doesn't have to see him/contact him but he'd just like to know either way so he knows where he stands. Still nothing and his ex just unhelpfully says it's up to DD,
He has now given up trying apart from the odd text here and there.

I like to be orgnaised sodding anal about things especially present buying as it helps to spread the cost and i've seen some things that would be ideal for her birthday/xmas

However my DH has basically said no, she's not getting anything further from us until she gets in touch and comes to see us. He has always paid maintenance and never missed a payment. We also struggle each month (who doesn't at the moment) to make ends meet. He could theoretically reduce his CSA payments as his take home wage has reduced, but it's not really worth the hassle over what is, in the great scheme of things, not that much to make a massive difference to us.

Now, whilst I 100% agree with his way of thinking (there are other issues regarding her previous behaviour)- I have tried to say that we just can't do this, she's his daughter, she's a child, not an adult she gets presents, but he's quite adamant about it. I think it's still the hurt and that when it actually gets nearer to her bday and xmas he won't be saying this at all but.......

What do you all think about his stance? Do you feel resentment (can't think of any other words to use) about buying presents for a child you never see?

Matana - really? I know it's not easy for you, but surely sending a gift from your DS with HER father just says 'I have a new child now, he spends lots of time with me, but I don't care about you anymore because you have been replaced'

Or it could say, you have a little brother who loves you very much however you feel about your Dad

Does a younger sibling replace an older one? Is that true only in step-families, or do all older siblings feel replaced when a younger DC comes along?

What NADM said, who knows rather a lot more about my particular story.

Nomnomnom......what you emphasise there is, step parents and parents who've been estranged from their offspring, despite ongoing attempts to keep in touch SIMPLY CANNOT WIN.

Sending a small gift from her half sibling only reminds her that she's been replaced?? Rot. At least in our home. My sd has always had affection, interest, kindness, welcome, understanding and love HEAPED upon her. It's hasnt helped. She ignores her dad because she can. She hurts him because she can. She knows, rightly, no matter what happens, he is always there for her. SHE HAS NOT BEEN REPLACED BY ANYONE.... Not by me, nor my young son. She has chosen to walk away from us because frankly, she doesn't want another woman in dad's world. He loves her. He loves me too. That's the crux of it in our case.

He loves her. He loves me too.

That sums it up really, doesn't it?

It is so simple, put like that - but what seems to be a perfectly reasonable and acceptable fact causes so much pain, distress and unhappiness.

In our situation DSD didn't have a problem with me, she had a problem when my DH dared to try to parent her. It had nothing to do with my DS, or feeling she had been replaced, and had everything to do with having no respect for anything her dad tried to say or do, because he had been systematically undermined by his ex for years and years (since DSDs was born actually, hence the reason they split). I first met my DSDs when they were 3 and 6 years old - nine years ago - and in that time we have been very close. They know exactly how much they are loved, by both of us, and how much a part of our lives they are and always will be. We have never given them any reason to believe differently. Thankfully, DSD2 still sees that and will move heaven and earth not to hurt the people who love her so much. I hope it stays that way because i don't think DH could stand it if he lost another daughter.

Matana, that sounds similar to my SD, she has no problem it seems with me personally - in fact I'd say she's well adjusted to another woman in her dad's life. However she has no respect for her dad, grandparents, auntie and probably me. It's the way she has been brought up - his Ex hates him still with a passion and she obviously picks up on that.
In fact I decided yesterday she's possibly still in love with him - they do say love and hate are hard to distinguish between, but that's me going off on a tangent.
He's tried again unsuccessfully to contact her this week but he's resorted to getting the ex involved as it involves making plans that include more than just us. Apparently she will reply when she has credit!!!
We both know this is a lie - she has a bloody contract phone! She told us (when she still saw us) her mum had changed it as she'd got a deal and it was cheaper than topping up all the time!
I really hate lying!