AIBU to expect DH's father to accept all the children?

[Rainbow]

DH's father cut all contact with him 20 years ago. Then, 18 months ago, DH's sister got in contact with him and DH has started to see him again. DH and I married 2 years ago and DH took on my 3 boys as his own. We then had a son together who is now 1yo. We felt that, because of the 18 year gap, it was too early to involve the children until DH had got to know his father better. DSs did meet DH's family twice over a year, in a restaurant which was OK but not ideal. DS1 is 17yo DS2 is 11yo and DS3 is 9yo. Our decision was that all boys were equal and were going to be treated as brothers. Things exploded after several atttempts to include that side and let them get to know the boys properly ended in a very rude e mail fro SIL1, saying that DS2 and 3 were unruly, uncaring and lacked manners, (totally untrue) and they wanted nothing more to do with them or me, but DH's father has just said that he want to get to know DS4. That is fine by me and DH but DH's father does not want DS2 and 3 around his house (he has a show house not a home). My suggestion was take them all out for the day, to the zoo etc with DH (I have no relationship with them because of the emails) or to a cafe etc. I have come up with suggestion after suggestion but DH's father says he want DS4 to come to his house with DH, alone, once a month and he will not be at all flexible. he has also threatened court action. I do not want to hurt or upset DS2 and 3 as they have already had enough upset in their shorts lives to last an entire lifetime. This is now causing big problems between DH and myself as he thinks his father is being reasonable.
AIBU by saying DS4 is our son and our decision is that if you want to see him these are the terms?

While it's not how I would handle it, you can't force him to accept your other children. They aren't his grandchildren, however much you think it should be otherwise.

He sounds horrible. You can't force him to have a relationship with your other children, but you're not obliged to meet his terms either. I'd smile sweetly and then none of you visit.

Just for the record, my parents have always been welcoming to my DSD as they accept she is part of MY family. You may like to point that out to your DH as the way that decent people act.

My family have some horrible faults but the one thing I have always been proud of is that they accepted my DSS unquestioningly, always treat him well and never show any difference between the boys at all. It is the decent thing to do and frankly whilst your kids may well have been absolute nightmares and you might be doing the blinkered parent thing, it isnt the point. They are brothers and a family and come as a package. End of.

I would tell your FIL he either takes you as a package or fucks off. He doesn't have to think of the kids as his GKs but he should accept you operate as a family.

Your FIL is being unreasonable and bad mannered. Your DH needs to be very careful putting the wishes of his father ahead of the needs of his family. His dad cut him out for 20 years - how much loyalty does he really deserve?

Thanks everyone. I don't want him to accept them as GKs or force them on him, I just want him to accept them as his GS's brothers and respect his son's decision to treat them as his own. I have tried to compromise but he keeps saying no no no no. He wants DS4 at his house and not DS2-3, although DS1 is welcome because he is older. I just feel that he is being selfish and childish, throwing his toys out the pram to get his own way.

chelen is right. All the family or none. Spiteful behaviour from an adult is v disappointing and as an adult ur self u don't have to accept it. I'd just say jog on next time n wait to see what he does. It's his loss if he chooses to remain so rigid in his demands. The kids don't need that shit in their lives. Maybe ud be better off without him around. Harsh but fair in the circumstances.