ok, to all the stepmums with their own kids? what about the STORIES?

[brdgrl]

ok, first of all, apologies if this has been asked before; i haven't seen it.

DD (almost 2) has a shelf full of books, including some that were handed down from the (now teenage) DSCs. DH unboxed these about a year ago, and we (along with the DSCs as they were their books!) sorted out which ones they wanted to keep themselves, which ones we'd give away, and which ones were going to DD.

One of the ones that we kept for DD was the Anthony Browne Hansel and Gretal. DH loves AB, so it just went into the pile without question. Today DD pulled it off the shelf and asked for it at bedtime. Right away I thought 'hold on!' - she's a bit young as far as I am concerned for such a dark story anyway, but this version is I think particularly dark, and the stepmum is not a fairytale era stepmum, but a modern-day, vampy, stepmum in a leopard print coat not all that unlike my own. :) At the end, stepmum dies and then "all their worries were over and they lived together in perfect happiness."

Anyway, we read "Peepo" instead, and H&G has been packed away for all time but it got me thinking.

I don't want DD growing up getting the messages that a) there is something wrong with 'atypical' families, or b) there is something wrong about her own mum's role in the family or c) that stepmums are figures of horror and revulsion.
Obviously, she is going to get those messages along with a thousand other media messages that I don't like or agree with, and it is my responsibility to talk to her about them in age appropriate ways and help her to decode and resist them, etc, etc...I am also a person who works in the arts and in education, and I know that the beauty and value in these stories is important too. But I also think it is up to me and DH to send her our own message that such images and ideas aren't acceptable. So, in our house, she won't be getting the traditional Wicked Stepmother stories (in books or films) until she is of an age where we can talk reasonably about them. I'm not going to 'naturalise' these stories for her.

But I wonder how other people deal with this? I'm not so much looking for criticism of my approach and feelings, although I know I will get some and will try to be thick-skinned about it - but I do want to hear from people who feel similarly and maybe have found good ways of addressing or talking about it with their own kids?

I re-read Wednesday Martins chapter about this issue in her book 'Stepmonster' last night after seeing this thread - it reminded me exactly how vilified stepmothers have been in fiction and real life through history. If you've not read it, it's definitely worth it

I have touched on this with my DD - she is older, and was asking questions about why DSD and her mum were mean to me, and didn't like me
By talking about fairy tales - Snow White, Hansel and Gretel etc, I was able to highlight how stepmums like me and her own stepmum are very different from the stepmums in the stories, but some people think all stepmums were wicked and mean, like in Cinderella!

It's such a huge cultural issue - stepmothers have been personified as evil as far back as ancient roman writings, and those prejudices and preconceptions are established into modern culture - as is frequently seen on these boards Socially, it's fascinating - but as a WSM it is yet another challenge to overcome

Nanny Mc Phee and the Sound of Music both have good Step Mother figures. But like NADM we've used some of the evil charactertures as a way in to discussing real live situations qnd how people really. I've also heard a theory that a lot of stories use step mothers because saying that real mothers were ever cruel was too uncomfortable for people

oh, thanks!
nadm i have been meaning to get Stepmonster for a while, i think i will go order it now.
purpleroses, that's right - i forgot about Sound of Music and haven't seen Nanny McPhee...I think I will start collecting some stories with 'good' stepmums as I find them. :)

Using the Wicked Stepmother stories to talk about our family and people's wrong ideas is a good approach, I think, once she is a tiny bit older.

One of the other books we have in the DSCs old books is an Irish version of Cinderella - in it, there is no stepmother or stepsisters. The widower has three daughters and the two oldest are the villains, picking on their younger sister! I thought that was interesting...kinda dark in a different way, as it is 'biological' family mistreating one another!

I think in some ways I'm lucky in that SD doesn't realise I'm her stepmum. She knows I'm not her mum (suspect that has been emphasised plenty lol) but doesn't really realise I'm a WSM ;). I actually quite liked Tangled for its re-writing of the WSM as an evil woman who pretended to be Rapunzels mum, rather than a WSM.

I do think society has struggled to portray mums as evil so step mums fulfil this role.If you want an evil female figure make her a childless stepmum. I guess it was felt it would be too uncomfortable for young children if mums could be seen as less than perfect. The reality is that some mothers can be cruel and unkind and it's such a taboo for society. The relationship board has many threads about adult toxic mums YET society struggles to accept that mums with young children can be abusive.

Thanks Anita - I had forgotten that wasn't the original story actually. Very good.

I haven't seen Tangled - good to know.