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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should I avoid this man with a bargepole?

19 replies

ChickenSkin · 16/04/2012 19:05

Been doing a bit of internet dating and got talking to a nurse. He sounds great in most ways but yesterday said something about "kids are back at school tomorrow thank god". I knew he had kids but assumed they live with their mother. I asked if they lived with him and he said "No, I just have them term time and half of the holidays". To me, this sounds like they live with him the vast majority of the time?? They're 15 and 8.

I had a bad experience a couple of years back dating a man with a teenage DD, lots of disney involved and I always swore I wouldn't do it again. Plus, not sure how I'd feel about progressing with a man who's two children lived with him. Every weekend would be trying enough.

Should I stop this before it starts? Looking back, what would you guys do?

OP posts:
bronze · 16/04/2012 22:00

If you feel uncomfortable now then I wouldn't even go there tbh

Fooso · 17/04/2012 09:18

That sounds pretty full on to me - as you say, every weekend would be hard enough.. I would beware...

Workispantsdotcom · 17/04/2012 09:48

I suppose it depends on if you want to have a relationship with someone who has children already that live with them. It's not "full on" as such, he is just a full time parent. Wouldn't bother me but better you make the choice now than later down the line.

Kaluki · 17/04/2012 10:32

I think it depends mostly on how he parents them.
I wouldn't say never go out with a man with dc again, but learn from the past and at the first sign of Disney parenting - then you should run for the hills.

Ray75 · 17/04/2012 11:55

My honest answer is as much as I love my DP had I known then what I know now I would never get involved with someone with kids...full stop. In my case you cant help who you have fallen in Love with worts and all. You have an out option.
Sorry if this sounds negative but Im being honest :)

theredhen · 17/04/2012 12:36

I agree with others who have said, it depends on his parenting style, however, if you have no children of your own, do you really want to get bogged down with the mundane-nes of bringing up kids when you should be enjoying freedom?

I dated a full time Dad, who was ironically training to be a nurse, and to be honest, I knew it could never be a forever thing. He was nice enough, but I couldn't do it because of the kids.

Bearing in mind I am struggling being a part time step parent, I was right to not to try and be a full time one.

thewickedestSMinthewest · 17/04/2012 12:57

Hmm, in my opinion unless you don't like children it is easier for you if they actually live there as at least you and their dad can have the majority of influence on how theyre brought up. Chances are if they live with him he won't be a disney dad becaus ehe'll have more confidence in his ability to parent.. .I personally wouldn't rule him out but you're right to tread carefully rather than rush in imagining yourself to be captain von trap's maria.

PooPooInMyToes · 17/04/2012 19:10

What's a disney dad?

Kaluki · 17/04/2012 22:39

It's a non resident father who feels the need to re create Disney for his dc every time he sees them by spoiling them, not disciplining them and allowing them to behave appallingly. Usually he is like this out of a miaolaced sense of guilt over the break up of his marriage or through fear that they won't want to see him if he disciplines them. Every stepmothers nightmare and the best way to create spoilt little brats! Sad

Kaluki · 17/04/2012 22:39

Misplaced
Stupid phone!!

HappyGirlNow · 17/04/2012 23:41

I've done both - my ex had 2 sons who we had every other weekend or so whilst my current partner's teenage son lives with us. I have to say, it's so much easier just having access. I love my partner but definitely wouldn't even start a relationship with someone who had their kids full time again. But then, when I met my partner his son didn't live with him, and by time it happened I was already attached...

Original poster
ChickenSkin · 18/04/2012 07:45

Think I'll stay well clear. I already have two children who live with me - if things progressed I just couldn't imagine living in a house with 4 kids. I'm a very solitary creature and would hate to live in such crowded conditions, my idea of a nightmare. No Thanks.

Thanks for your input guys.

OP posts:
Petal02 · 18/04/2012 09:20

I'm coming to this late, but was interested to read the comments that have been posted. I don't think I'd get involved with a man whose children lived with him, simply because I wouldn't want to live like that.

However, I do agree with the posters who suggested that a man who is a resident parent, is less likely to be a disney dad, which would probably negate a lot of the problems us stepmums have when children visit on alternate weekends.

taxiforme · 18/04/2012 12:49

Hi

I can see it from both sides. I dated for a few years before I found DH. I have no kids and was not going to have them.

I have to say, I found dating men with kids very daunting. Most I dated were child free. But to be honest if I committed my search to only child free men I was narrowing down my choice. You may be doing this..
I also found (and this is personal to me) that the dads I dated were simply Far Nicer Guys.

Maybe you are thinking too far ahead too soon? Cant you wait a while, see how things pan out?

I avoided my DH for a long time as I knew he had three kids. I had to take a long look at myself before i committed. It sounds as if you are too chicken. I have to say that being a sp has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done as well as the most difficult. I would not, like other posters, turn the clock back. I love my new life warts and all. I have found out SO much about myself.

However a blended family is so very different. I KNOW I would feel the same as you if I had a little family of my own to look after and "do our own thing". But I didnt. I was a lonely divorcee who didnt even know her neighbours and could have died and not been found for weeks!

Petal02 · 18/04/2012 13:25

Taxiforme does have a point - men with kids tend to be the nicer ones (although I accept there are always exceptions to the rule) !!

They've usually proven they're capable of commitment, and having kids seems to have mellowed them. DH is the kindest man I ever met, and always wants me to be happy. The "downside" to this, is that he always wants DSS to be happy too, and his peace-loving nature means he doesn't want to upset the ex either ......... I think a lot of ladies on this site will know what I mean!

taxiforme · 18/04/2012 17:10

petal = mindreader!!

Kaluki · 18/04/2012 17:42

Petal how do you know my DP Wink

purpleroses · 18/04/2012 23:35

And mine.... :)

matana · 19/04/2012 13:25

Hmmm....

I said to my DH the other day: "You know DH, all the problems and hassles we've had in our nine years, many of them brought on by tensions with your ex and the resulting problems with your eldest DD etc.? Well, i'd go through it all again for you." I'm not normally gushing, but he is an absolute diamond.

I was prepared to go there when i met him and sometimes it's been tough, but i knew he had kids and i chose to get involved. It was the best decision i've made in life (other than having my DS). That said, it was my decision to make. If your heart isn't in it right from the beginning and you already have doubts, maybe take notice of your own instinct. I just wanted you to hear an alternative outcome.

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