There may be drama ahead......

[NotaDisneyMum]

DSD (14) has been estranged from her Dad and I for over a year. she gave DP an ultimatum to choose between myself and her, and refused to have anything to do with him all the while I was in his life.

In the last 15 months, he has seen her twice; she visited him for an hour after he had a serious car crash, and more recently, she reluctantly visited briefly in order to collect xmas gifts sent here for her by family. There has been maybe half a dozen stilted phone calls in that time, all initiated by DP - but plenty of hatred and vitriol spouted publicly on FB etc by her.

This morning DP receives two texts and a missed call from DSD, stating that "she needs him to be her Dad" followed by a request for DP not to speak to her mum. DP (of course) called her mum as he couldn't get hold of DSD.

It turns out, DSD has fled home in tears after a row with mum this morning, who was also left in tears. Apparently, her Mum is struggling, DSD is pushing boundaries, lying etc and generally being a challenging teen. Nothing major, no police, truanting or anything yet but a big difference from the BFF relationship that DSD used to have with her mum.

DP is still struggling to assert himself with his ex and tends to acquiesce when it comes to the DC's even though she has openly admitted that she doesn't want him in their lives DP does realise that this is a chance to support DSD when she needs him and maybe change their relationship for the better, and it's good that DSD felt able to call/text her Dad; not sure how I feel about it though?

.... I don't really know what to say. So many high emotions. And it could all be predicted really couldn't it.

What a foolish, foolish woman her mother has been.

So what are the feelings you're torn between?

I bet you feel pleased that she wants to be back in your life and feel that you have "won" the long game (without being smug) but I suspect you also feel slightly resentful that she can waltz in and out of your DP's life whenever she feels like it messing with his emotions and you have to deal with that?

Thing is, if DP doesn't do anything now, the chances are it will all blow over and he won't hear from her until she falls out with her mum again.

This is an opportunity for him to change things if he wants to take it, but I don't know if he has got the stamina to go up against his ex, who is already trying to brush him off and downplay the whole thing, even though she hasn't spoken to DSD since she stormed off this morning.

Part of me thinks that he should fight tooth and nail for his DD, but another part of me recognises the damage that has been done by the years of emotional abuse by his ex - which he is still struggling to overcome.

I didn't mean to mislead in my first post - despite replying to her text, DSD has made no further contact with DP; I think it was a "in the heat of the moment" thing which she probably regretted as soon as she did it.

As for staying with us for a couple of days - I'm really not sure I'd be able to deal with that - not least because she no longer has a room here, and given how nasty she was to DD and DSS, I'm reluctant to offer up either of their rooms for DSD use!

NADM, Has your dp managed to speak to DSD? Things may have calmed down down but I hope this incident has allowed communication to flow. My concern is that if dsd feels she can't go home and she can't go to dads then she is vulnerable. Yes there maybe friends who can offer a bed but it isn't ideal for a teen.

Without being smug - this is predictable, your DSD was taught that the way to resolve differences with their dad is to cut him out of her life. Therefore is the mum anyway surprised that her daughter's reaction to a disagreement with her is to storm off?

DP went off about an hour ago, having texted DSD to say that he would be in a certain place at a certain time if she wanted to talk - the fact that he is not home yet and hasn't texted me suggests that she did meet up with him and I hope they are talking right now

It does sound as if her mum has gone from being her BFF to fighting too many battles with her; we know that after a particularly vicious attack towards DP by DSD on FB a few months ago, a lot of ex's family and friends had words with her, so maybe she is over-compensating and coming down hard on DSD now. Recently, DSD seems to have been subject to bootcamp - all her gadgets confiscated, very little freedom, and DSS reports lots of yelling at home which can't be good for him, either It may be necessary when a DC is totally out of control - but I think it is an over-reaction, particularly as she is the product of her mothers parenting in the first place!

Anyone around to hold my hand? DP's been gone over 2 hours, and I'm starting to get really twitchy now.........

NADM I'm only reading your posts now, is your DP back yet?

My DSD is the same age as yours and I can't imagine the hard times you've been through with her. 14 is just so young to be making such rash decisions about her relationship with her father.

Hopefully this will be a turning point for both your relationships with her. I'm sorry I can't give any practical advice i'm a bit crap at all this!

Oh flip. I hope alls OK

(And I'm not a step parent but you know me from other threads)

Any news?? A long time is good news I think (could it mean she's packing bags ready to move into yours!!)

Hows things??

DPs back and we're catching up now - he's got some tough decisions to make as things are a lot worse than we thought at DSD mums. She's gone home, for now.

NADM, oh...hope this is positive for you, DP & DSD

NADM - hope all is OK!
It is hard because on one hand you want DSD to have a relationship with her Dad again but she has hurt you and your DS and DSS so much and she should know there are consequences to that too.

NADM - hope all is well, what's been happening?
I really feel for you. and your DSD too if that's okay?

Her Mum is coming down hard on her and punishing her for basically being exactly what she has made her. She?s created a monster and now she doesn?t like it. This is exactly why it is so fool hardy to allow young children to decide what relationships to have with their parents. She is a stupid, stupid woman and I hope she realises what she has done.
Let us know how it all pans out. I feel like I?m looking in to our future?

It's BOM by the way.

Well, that was an interesting 24 hours! Thank you for al the support, I was reading, but held off replying until things had settled.

Poor DP is emotionally exhausted, but has been brilliant

DSD and her mum had a heated argument yesterday morning, lots of shouting and tears from both sides - culminating in DSD being hit by her mum. DSD left the house immediately, her mum slammed the door behind her and screamed loudly enough for it to be heard in the street

DSD called and texted DP, and they spend time together yesterday before DSD went home. during the day, DSD mum tried repeatedly to get hold of her but DSD didn't reply - and told DSD, via answerphone, how disappointed she was that DSD had made contact with her Dad

DSD and DP had a very open and frank discussion, and they have agreed that they will begin to get to know each other again, through short, regular meet-ups. DSD will be coming to our home after school for a couple of hours next week.

DP spoke to his ex, and his ex was at pains to find out if 1) he knew she had hit DSD, and 2) what he was going to do about it. His ex downplayed ,but didn't deny, hitting her, and DP gave her no assurances or otherwise as to what he was going to do. He slept on that until this morning.

Neither DP or I beleive that DSD is a risk of serious physical abuse. If we did, then DP would have prevented DSD going home yesterday. However, it is obviously of concern that this has happened and DP wants some assurances that his ex is seeking support to parent DSD - who she described to both DP and DSD herself as unpleasant, and someone she didn't know or like.

It is clear that DSD has huge unresolved issues about the breakdown of her parents marriage over 3 years ago. She knows the grounds for divorce (her mums admission of an affair), and the fact that DP wanted to try and work things out, but that her mum refused. A lot of that DSD has been told directly by her Mum, and any gaps have been filled by DSD snooping through her Mums filing, which she admitted to DP. She said to DP that she can't trust her mum, and that every time she rows with her mum, she wants to yell at her because she is angry about what she did that split up the family

DP is reassured that things have calmed down, for now, and that DSD and DSS are OK.

As for me, I'm very conflicted about DSD being a part of our lives again, and I know it's very early days. DSD did admit that "she doesn't like me" to DP yesterday - which is a huge achievement for her. When gently pushed, she couldn't give a reason other than "she hasn't warmed to me". I think the time has come for me to seek some independent support for my feelings - so I can support DP/DSD and not impede their reconciliation..

DP has made some calls this morning and has arranged a meeting with DSD school as soon as possible - apparently, DSD has already taken one GCSE and will be sitting another soon - something DP had no idea about. Obviously, the turmoil in her emotions is not going to help her academically.

Wow that is so much to take in NADM? hope you guys are having a bottle of wine tonight
I do think that the outside help for you is an excellent thing and will help everyone involved. So many emotions run high and I?m always impressed by the way you can look outward and seek help when things happen rather than assume you have all the answers. Your DSD is extremely lucky to have such a strong woman on her side (which you are really, even if you don?t feel like it sometimes)
I can see how you must feel after all this time with it being a bit of a ?them and us? situation ? to now find that one of ?them? is going to be on your turf so-to-speak.
The hitting is a symptom of DSD?s Mum?s narcissism and her complete lack of self-awareness and awareness of what she needs to be as a parent. Sadly we have also had a similar situation but DSD forgave her after about half an hour as she said she deserved it They are so used to manipulating their child and getting exactly the answers that they want that when they lose that control they react in the way a child or an alley cat would and lash out.
I do hope that this is a turning point for all of you. And I hope that your DH finds a way to lay some ground rules in such a way that expectations are clear but that she isn?t scared off.
Let us know how you get on.

Just reading this now, notdisney. Whew.

It sounds like it could be an opportunity for everything - including her attitude towards you (and vice-versa) to change. Here's hoping. Keep us updated.