Feeling a bit down Ladies :(

[Ray75]

Hi Girls, No specific subject to this just looking for a little pick up from those who understand.
Just finished our weekend of having all the DSC and feeling a bit low and exhausted. Is it wrong Im soo relieved to wave them off and have got through yet another one! the sad thing is it seems to get herder with time not easier and I find myself feeling like this after I have survived a weekend and surely that isnt good, specially as I have many years more to go. I just feel like a failure, I love my DP soo much, having been in a releationship of no love I am grateful every day for it however why can I just not do this Step parent thing, I dont enjoy it, it has to be THE MOST thankless job ever. I find the change to my life soo overwelming at times (it seems very minimal for DP) I feel I have taken up the parenting slack for him and his ex, as much as I love him I would describe them both as a Lazy parenting style or as my Nan would say 'There is a difference between bringing up and dragging up your children'.....
I feel guilty for DS all the time as he has to share my time soo much and what with the DP's ex and all her Drama's my life is not my own, I dont mind admitting I have little fantasies about it being just the 2 of us (DS and me)....am I bad or is this normal...x

Well, I don't know if it's bad or normal... but you have pretty up just summed up my life too!

It's such hard work and so demoralising to have so little control over things that directly affect you. Having to watch bad parenting and unecessesary dramas created by ex's whilst your own kid just fits in with it all.

Oh I'm sorry you feel like that. I feel the same often and I know others will along soon in solidarity.
Does your partner know how you feel? Is there anything that could make it better for you all?
I know what you mean about the exs dramas. I think to myself, I've worked at NOT having people like that in my life now suddenly here she is and I have no choice but to be wrapped up in her circus of a life.
UnMN hugs.

I guess it's a life experience for our own children... Or something like that. I try to take my dd out on our own now when dsd is here

Being a stepmum is hard... DSS returned to his mother on Friday (after a week here - we get EOW and half school holidays) sadly he (and DH) spent half that time suffering with a D&V bug - I was the last one standing and have only just caught up with all the washing.
the most FAQ in the house was "where's Dad?" which doesn't make me feel appreciated although it's not meant that way.
Someone else on here has said "pleased to see them, pleased to see them go" and I think that probably sums things up for alot of step parents. I guess having a relationship with a stepchild is like any other relationship - it has to be worked at and isn't always roses. Hope that helps.

I'm with you, I'm afraid. Have just started posting about my own rather unfulfilling (non)relationship with my DSS and although I really want to be able to work things out, at the moment I am very relieved when DH heads off with him, leaving me with a lovely Sunday afternoon with my DC.

I also hate that I am involved with his ex's issues. I realised recently that I literally start to shake when me and DH discuss what to do about her latest demands/madness. Sometimes I try to retreat from it, but it feels too unsupportive of DH and - like you - I have experienced the bad relationship and this one is too good to let some random person I've only met once or twice spoil.

Try to focus on the good times with DP, but it sounds like you also need to speak to him about picking up some slack. Good luck!

I'm with you too. I find it hard and not really getting any easier after 5 years. I get frustrated with the conversations dh and I have about his exW because in the end nothing I say makes any difference.

It's incredibly hard living with kids when you have no say at all in how they are brought up.

It is harder here too, me and DP were reminiscing about the good old days when we had first got together - basically before DSS grew up a bit and started asking questions!

It feels so relentless sometimes.

Hope it picks up soon, talk to your DP about your feelings and don't feel bad about sometimes not enjoying it, I think that is normal - I get that with DS too.

Another one who can totally relate to your feelings.

It is the thankless nature of the role which non stepparents just don't relate to. Petal started a thread earlier this week asking for support and there was the usual feedback about us 'wicked' stepmums, but isn't that simple. (I wish it was)

Step parenting is one way..Give, give and give some more..It's similar to parenting BUT we rarely get the rewards or positive times with the dc's. Albeit DSS does acknowledge my role and is very grateful for my love and support but I still have to thread carefully as any displays of affection, for me, will send his mum into orbit. We then have to negotiate the ex's changing opinion on contact so my life can never be planned.

A few weeks ago I felt like you did - DSS was in a melt down about his life with his mum..I was supportive and tried to help him through it but it was so draining and my DCs didn't get my attention. I felt so low as my life wasn't supposed to be like this. I did recover and so will you!

I think acknowledging that other stepmums feel the same is helpful - we are in unique roles and I firmly believe we need exceptional skills to cope with the challenges..Maybe Step parenting should be rebranded to Extreme parenting!!

It might just get the message across that it isn't the easy path in life and those that do manage to stick the course are caring and generally fantastic people

PS after doing this for over 10 years I advocate setting up a step mum's time out budget..Sometimes if it gets too much I take a night away with my dc's.

I totally understand.
Mine left yesterday' they are back again on Friday and I'm already dreading the weekend and it's only Monday!! That worries me!
Its the upheaval. The noise, arguing, demanding, tantrums and mostly the fact that DP will bend over backwards to please them and it's never enough. Every time they come I lose a bit more respect for him.
They arrive, turn my house and my dc upside down with their chaos and leave me reeling.
I'm looking into excuses for me and the dc to escape for the day on Sunday - anybody want to invite us for Sunday lunch???
I'll pay you.....???

Am right there too...the last 2.5 years with my lovely partner have been the best and hardest years I've ever had. I am amazed at my own feelings sometimes! - I often just want to close my eyes and open them up and it just be me and my DS all alone in my house.. then I wake up :) I just take each day - some are good, some are awful, some are great.. what else can you do?

Kaluki, I don't think you need an excuse to go awol..I got to the point of realising that I needed the break so that I could function as a stepmum, it wasn't a luxury but a necessity. DH is always so much more appreciative of my efforts when he has dss solo:)

A BIG Thank you to all of you, its so good to know I am not alone in my feelings, smum99, you are right we do recover and having had last night with no children has helped me re focus. I agree that us Step Mums are an amazing breed as its not for the faint hearted or selfish thats for sure.
Also very true that being a step Mum is all about giving with very little in return, its not that I have to give any less to my son but I do get back unconditional Love which isnt the case with Step kids, I think they care/love us in their own way but it is by no means compulsory or consistant.
It is the chaos that gets to me to, come a friday when they are all with us, I am home first with my DS after school and DSC arrive later when thier Dad picks then up after work, it will have been quiet and calm then within 2 minutes of them arriving the house is madness and the noise levels are crazy.
I also find it hard when they do arrive and they dont even bother to say hello or goodbye when they leave Monday morning, it makes you feel like the hired help, I know its not for kids to be burdend with the background stuff but when you have been running round in your lunch hour food shopping for them all and various other jobs it can hurt, with your own kids its a job you undertake without thinking but when they are not somehow you feel you want it acknowledged...hard to explain and its not becuase Im not equally happy to do it for them aswell but it can make you feel like a visitor in your own home as they do take over when they are there.
Oh well we have a kid free weekend to look forward to and to have some us time with the man of my dreams and thats what I must focus on. :)

Forgot to say Imanonperson that I do that too when it comes to the EXW and her latest demands and Drama's, I can feel my self shaking (mostly anger) I have to admit once it got to me too much and when she turned up to pick the kids up I flew down our drive and bit her head off (I have only sercome to that once in 3 years)
I do try to follow the advice on here of Detatch however it is often about money which affects me too plus I want to support my DP, he has me in the passed for me with my ex and its what helps you get through it, sadly her demands just never seem to go away for long......

Glad you found some comfort on here Ray. It is unbelievably tough. I sooo know where you?re coming from in regard to the food shopping at lunch time. DSD?s mum has barely worked a day in her life, was waited on by my DH when they were together and now has a new DP who is equally her servant. Now, that?s not really my business and I shouldn?t be bitter about it but when I?m working full time managing a stressful business, and I have my own DD two thirds of the time (whose dad is useless), and I?m running the house like some kind of Doris Day/ Nigella hybrid managing all the various needs of everyone in it ? including DSD and whether or not she has invited friends over at the drop of a hat. To then not even be thanked or said goodbye and hello to is just a fucking insult.
That?s where your partner needs to step in and at the very least (if he?s not going to get his children to toe the line which he may not do from fear of them voting with their feet!) he needs to go out of his way to appreciate what you do for him and the children.
Can you communicate that need to him?