Giving up..giving in..teenage DSDs tantrums and having their own way..

[taxiforme]

How do I train DH and DSD2?

DSD2 immature 14 year old.

1. She cries when she has to do something she does not want to. I mean.. Full floods of tears and tantrums, like the reaction of a toddler and not seeing reason. I have posted on this before. She had to be left in the car yesterday it was so bad. The reason? She didnt want to play tennis with DSS and DSD1 Some improvement then back to the same on this issue.

1. She always, and I mean always, has to be treated differently from DSD1 and DSS (I have no kids)- see above, why should I play tennis? I want to go to Tesco with dad? Tonight, dad cooked tea. DSD1 and DSS had what they were given (chicken and veg and mash). DSD2, oh no. I dont like that. She was given a pizza which she wanted (of concern as she is overweight and is now tucking into popcorn provided by DH). This is repeated EVERY week in some way shape or form. I really think that our lives are being dictated to by her.

I guess that I need to speak to DH and tackle him first- but he is all about "choosing the battles" with her and he has a VERY stressful job at the moment. I feel that what has happened that she has ALWAYS won the battles and in her head a pattern has formed and they are only going to get bigger. You need to get in there with the small issues, first.

I suspect I am going over old ground again and again with DH and he is just not seeing my POV and maybe I should detach. I just need to let off steam.

She is 14years old. I would just sit her down the 2 of you on your own. Ask her conversationally why she does it-what she hopes to achieve and doesn't she think that she is too old and ought to find a different way.
If you don't get anywhere with her just tell he that it is boring and tiresome and you are not playing the game.
Number 1 was fine-leave her in the car and ignore.
Number 2 She eats it or has nothing. Don't even enter into discussion-just tell her it is take it or leave it. Ignore any fuss and don't do alternatives or snacks.

It isn't a question of choosing battles-refuse to enter them. Just look at her in surprise and say 'gosh-are you off again-I can't even begin to listen until you stop'.

DH appears the main problem. Tell him you have had enough-you are ignoring and it is up to him.

Good advice from exotic. I appreciate how hard it is, often when these situation arise and if your dh is tired he will just find a way to smooth it over. I do think he should try to talk with her in the calm moment. Her responses aren't appropriate for her age. At this stage I think it's all about learning to develop emotionally maturity, specifically learning to articulate feelings and how to talk to others. These are important life lessons so maybe seeing the issue as development may help to frame the situation for your dh.

Is she similar when with her mum?

Hi

Thanks for the advice. I have had and my DH has had (after a particularly bad melt down last summer) many quiet words with her. She appears to fully understand the problem and appreciates that she is not seeing reason. However in time honoured tradition it just re surfaces. I will try again with DH- I have to admit recently I have not been so constructive but a bit moany and eye rolly about her behaviour.

I understand that yes, she can be difficult with mum but mum takes an ultra hard line with her and at times I think she is quite cruel to her (not a criticism, I think she is just trying to cope with the constant demands). The other two (DSD1 and DSS) both comment- "oh great, lets all do what XX wants" so they pick up on it too.

DSD2 is capable of great kindness and she can be a lovely girl. I have tried to make her my "special friend" as mum favours DSS and my DH DD1. I also need to stress that she is emotionally and physically very immature- she has not started her periods yet (at 14 and 6 months). Her aunt confirmed to me that she has always been awkward and prone to huge tantrums, even as a little child, so it is nothing new.

The bottom line, as exotic says is to try and detatch. She may have an undiagnosed problem, of course ADD ODD (Oppositional defiance disorder- which describes her to a tee). She has been tested for dyslexia recently which found that she is NOT but her reading and spelling is very poor. Maybe another sign of her immaturity. She has two involved parents..it is hard to step back though when her behaviour starts to dominate our time together as a family.

I think it might be a case of needing to assert your own needs but leave her parents to sort out hers.. for example: you're cooking dinner - she gets what she's given. Dad's cooking dinner - let him piss about making five different versions of chilli.

Ultimately, you can't change her unless your DH and her mother are on board - but you have every right to not allow her immaturity and silliness to rule your life.

I will now go and look up "Oppositional defiance disorder" as I have never heard of it. Sounds like most teenagers...
(joke: I HATE when people excuse teenagers for everything on account of their age)

Good advice from the wickedest......

I have to say from your description above that there is an underlying issue of some sort. No expert just seems extreme for her age.

Really hope it's not ODD has that is a very hard thing to live with...

Hi- I disagree that there is necessarily an underlying issue. She is one of 3 siblings, and each parent favours a sibling, but noone favours her- no wonder she has tantrums and is attention seeking. It is a behavioural issue.

My "D"SD was the same at 17/18, HUGE tantrums (really, like toddler tantrums, to the point of stamping feet/ hitting / screaming!), manipulation, bossing her siblings about, always wanting to determine what was done, and when and how etc.
It's quite a bit better now. Why? DPs responses have changed. He doesn't appease and talk her round any more- she does not get attention for tantruming. He gets cross and ignores her if she kicks off. She does not get to call the shots anymore, he has taken control back and acts like a parent.

My advise- treat like toddler tantrums. Be firm, give direction, ignore tantrum, reward good behaviour. And NEVER allow the child to call the shots.
We have the same food issues. DSD is also overweight, very picky eater. Always has to have extra/ something different, she can always find something she doesn't like, and makes a huge fuss about it.
Too late for Dp to tackle this now- at 14, you may still have a chance. It irritates me no end!