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Step-parenting

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Original poster

This is a bit tricky....

14 replies

TryingNotToLoseMyTemper · 15/04/2012 13:14

I live with my DP - I have 2 dc, 14 & 6, and he has 2 dc, 11 & 7.

His dc come to stay with us every other weekend and a couple of nights during the week. We all rub along ok, the 2 youngest (both boys) get on like a house on fire, they bicker a bit, but only like little boys. In the main, they play really nicely together and have a lot of common interests.

The girls are mostly ok.... but my dd finds her really irritating. I know this is perfectly normal between a 14 & 11 year old - but it's causing a lot of tension in the house.

They share a room when dsd is here, but because she is that bit younger, there's certain stuff that dd can't watch on tv because it's not age appropriate when dsd is here. Dsd keeps dd awake half the night chatting to her.. oh, basically, she just really gets on her nerves.

What can I do? I get on fine with both the dsc mostly, but it's really upsetting to see dd who quite clearly feels she has her nose put out sometimes. She dreads them coming, and is now talking about finding stuff to do outside the house when they come.

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mummytime · 15/04/2012 13:55

Does your DD have anywhere she can escape? Is there anywhere you can find for her to escape? (That includes the shed.) Privacy is really important at this age, and some kids find it really important anyway (my DS needs it or can't cope).
If there is really no room in your house, then why doesn't she arrange a few sleepovers to co-incide with their visits (I'd probably say no more than every other visit).
But do also talk to her so she can empathise for how weird/uncomfortable it must be for your DP's daughter to come to your house, and that she maybe so chatty because she is feeling shy.

Original poster

TryingNotToLoseMyTemper · 15/04/2012 14:01

Thanks mummytime - I have discussed all these sorts of things. DSD is going through a bit of a rough patch with her mum atm, you know that pending teenagerhood thing so I have tried to explain to dd that she really doesn't need to feel rejected here too.

I can't arrange sleepovers when it's sdc weekend, there's not the room, and I think it would make dsd feel pushed out if there are a couple more moody teenagers around for her to deal with!

I'm just at my wits end with it tbh. I can't please everyone all the time!

OP posts:

Original poster

TryingNotToLoseMyTemper · 15/04/2012 14:03

I'm torn between feeling really sorry for dd because she should be able to associate with whom she likes - but at the same time, she needs to suck it up to a certain degree - if dsd was her bio sister, they would in all likelihood have to share a room full time, and I'm pretty sure she would drive her mad then too!

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mummytime · 15/04/2012 14:19

I meant your DD going on the odd sleepover. I know people my DD goes to at the drop of a hat. Not more teens at your place.
Do you have a TV in your room? Or can you at least record programs for your DD to record later? Maybe you could do something with DSD to give your DD a few hours peace? Or maybe her Dad could, maybe they could even book some daughter Dad time, to be a regular thing.

You are doing well, as blended families are tough, especially when the ages over lap so much.

Original poster

TryingNotToLoseMyTemper · 15/04/2012 15:20

It is REALLY tough. This little issue is the least of my worries

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Original poster

TryingNotToLoseMyTemper · 15/04/2012 15:24

She does sometimes go on sleepovers, but we have a couple of her mates here quite a lot on the weekends that dsc aren't here.

It's hard. I don't know how to keep everyone happy, and my dd is my prime concern - although there is a small part of me that thinks that some of this is down to her need to be Alpha female

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wellwisher · 15/04/2012 15:37

Assuming the little boys are already sharing a room, I think you need to find somewhere else in the house for DSD to sleep. Your DD has a right to her own space and privacy and your DSD is getting to the age where that will be more of a concern for her too. You'll probably find they get on fine once they aren't forced to share a room.

Is there really no other space that you could use?

Original poster

TryingNotToLoseMyTemper · 15/04/2012 16:25

There really isn't. Although I completely understand where you're coming from, I had to share a room with my sister (same age difference) until I left home, as I'm sure a lot of other people did. Also, she only has to share her room for 4 days out of 14. Is that really so bad? That's a genuine question, btw!

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Smum99 · 15/04/2012 17:29

I do think this might get better in a few years as the 11 & 14 year old's could be on different planets in stages of growing up. 13 & 16 will be better.

Does the 11 year old want to annoyhang out with the 14 year old? Is this the issue? Can you try and arrange different activities, i.e 14 year old in her room whilst 11 year old makes cakes with you. I think you might need to build some sort of rota, Sat AM, separate space for both of them, afternoon - family activities.

I do think space for your teen will be needed as studying will be an issue and she will need the quite time over weekends. 4 days out of 14 is significant when it's GCSE time.

I would also praise your teen for how she handles the annoyance. Tell her you really appreciate her grown up approach/patience dealing with the younger step sibling. She might just need a place to vent.

elvisaintdead · 15/04/2012 17:40

I get where your DD is coming from, my sister used to feel the same way about me (same age difference) and we had to share a room and I used to borrow her perfume and stuff....I know it drove her mad.

I do think though that with siblings you do sometimes just have to suck it up, as harsh as that sounds. Def make sure they have separate activities etc to do and perhaps DD can watch things that aren't age appropriate at a set time, and DSD stays out of their room at those times.

It is hard though - we have 5 kids and our boys share a room - usually it's fine but sometimes it all blows up and it is always about just too much time together and not enough space. We are making a den in the garden at the moment as an extra space for the kids to go for this reason...just an old shed with an ipod in, some cushions and so on - is that an option?

RandomMess · 15/04/2012 17:43

Do you have a TV in your room?

One solution would be to let your DD stay up late in your room to give DSD a chance to go to sleep and then your DD can watch what she wants on TV. it's what we do with our girls that share - the eldest gets to stay up later in our room on xbox/watching TV/reading.

Original poster

TryingNotToLoseMyTemper · 15/04/2012 17:48

Some of these ideas are really good, thanks!

I have suggested to dd that she can watch stuff on the iPad in our room (we don't have a tv in there), or she can watch catch up stuff on her laptop with her headphones. The trouble is, that dsd will think that dd is getting preferential treatment, I think. She is very concerned with what dd is allowed to do in comparison with what she herself is allowed. Again, a typical sibling complaint. It would be a lot easier if they had much in common, but they are SO different as people, and don't really like doing the same stuff.

I have suggested to DP that dsd should go to bed a bit earlier so that she can get to sleep before dd goes up, but he doesn't think that's fair. So as a result, dd ends up having to go up earlier than she would normally

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/04/2012 17:56

There is a 3 year age gap - you need to point out to dp and dsd that when she is 14 she will be going to bed at x o'clock like your dd does now.

Sounds like you need to get dp on board first. "Siblings without rivalry" is a great book I recommend you both read it. Fairness doesn't mean you treat them the same, it's got to be age appropriate.

glasscompletelybroken · 15/04/2012 20:20

tbh it's 4 nights out of 14 - your dd is 14 and old enough to understand that sometimes life isn't all perfectly as we want it to be.

My own 3 girls had to share a room and they didn't always like it and they got on each others nerves but there was no choice.

I really wouldn't spend too much time worrying about this - tell your dd that you understand she would prefer not to shre with your dsd but that it is only for part of the time and it does sound as if you are making up for it when dsd is not there with having your dd's friends over.

I agree with you that dsd should go up earlier as she is younger but you may be fighting a losing battle with that one! If they were both your dd's with an age gap of 3 years you would probably put the youngest to bed earlier but when it's a step-child the rules always seem to be different. Would your DP agree with telling her that she can go up at the same time as your dd if she settles down and doesn't keep talking but if she can't do that she will have to go up ealier?

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