2 sharing questions

[olibeansmummy]

Ok, my 1st question is a but of an AIBU, but I know better than to post there as a step mum! But here goes: aibu to not make ds share his Easter eggs with Dss, when ds has had the same amount as Dss and Dss has already scoffed the lot? Dss didn't come to ours over Easter weekend and insisted on taking his Easter eggs home the week before. He also had plenty from his mum's side of the family, so has had many more than ds. Now Dss is at ours and when ds got a bit of his Easter egg before, Dss came sucking up straight away asking for some. Now normally i'd encourage ds to share, but Dss has had his fair share while ds has saved his, so I think that sends the wrong message to ds.

Also, what do other siblings ( step, half, full, whatever) do about using things ( toys, i pods etc) that clearly belong to another sibling and can't be played with together at the same time? Dss just takes and uses anything he likes of without ever asking but ds is banned from touching anything of dss's. I'm all for sharing, but think it's common courtesy to ask the person it belongs to. It's certainly what I did with my siblings and still do with dh. I'm I being ott here?

Tough luck about the eggs, if he had the same amount and ate them all ds doesn't need to share - although perhaps you could have predicted the problem and rationed Dss's?
With toys it HAS to be the same rule for both. EITHER Dss plays with his own and doesn't share so Ds does the same, OR they both share their belongings and take turns fairly. Your house, your rules, treat them both equally.

We couldn't ration dss's as such as he took them home, but could have insisted he keep them here I guess. It was suggested, but he's 12 so really it's his loss.

I think it's good for ds to share, but this should be on his terms and so I really think Dss should ask. He doesn't even ask me or his dad he'll just say, " where's < ds's name >'s ...'' like he has an entitlement to use them.

of course DS shouldn't have to share his eggs!

As for toys, I think there are some things that one should never have to share. For wee kids, there are certain comfort objects and favourite toys that I think it is perfectly ok not to share. For older kids, it might be certain fragile or expensive or sentimental things. My toddler DD doesn't have to share her special baby doll with anyone (although she's very sweet and offers it to crying babies!) but her other dolls and stuffed toys, I would expect her to, when asked. Teenage DSD doesn't have to share her laptop or ipod with her brother, etc... Obviously sharing is important, but it is also right for kids to feel they can say no if it is something truly precious to them, or if the other person isn't able to care for it properly. And absolutely, a person of any age should be asking permission.

What does your DH say when DSS asks where DS's things are...?

Thanks ladies. It's nice to know I'm not in the wrong for a change! Dh just flaming tells him where ds's stuff is and he just goes and gets it . If I say something dh will agree, but not act on it. I've tried telling Dss to ask ds when he asks where something is, and he does but then won't think to ask him next time.

Sharing has to be a two-way thing. I would tell dss that if he wants to be able to play with something belonging to your ds then he has to ask first but he also then has to share his things.

Agree, we dont have the egg issue as DD is dairy allergic and so eggs aren't shared. DSD is 5, DD is 18m, and we'kre dealing with the sharing issue as it comes up, DSD has a habit of leaving things out of DDs reach whicch is fair enough IF they are her toys, but not if they aren't!! I wouldn't make her share toys that are special to her, its easy enough to distract DD, but equally I wouldn't make DD share toys that DSD has a new-found interest in simply because DD is playing with them.

Having siblings (whole, half, step, adopted, whatever) is part of lifes rich lesson in sharing, and its a lesson they all have to learn. What is the age gap?

We have named containers in the fridge for those kinds of treats - selection boxes at Christmas are another one - because I found DSS's 'stash' in his bedroom. His treats usually last longer than DS's because he isn't here all the time so I think it is fair for him to know his treats won't be eaten in his absence they are, by me, but I replace them before he comes back.

The sharing thing is tricky, could you get both boys to agree on, say, 5 or 10 special toys that are not for sharing without consent, and then the rest can be sort of 'joint toys'? The special toys could be kept in a particular place and labelled 'ASK' as a reminder.

Does DSS not bring his own things to share then? That's a bit out of order as it must just be assumed that he can share whenever he likes. How about making the stock answer to his "where's DS's..." "Ask DS"? Tell DH to do the same and it means he'll always have to get permission if that's what's bothering you. You don't have to make a big deal of it, but pretend you don't know. If DS is out he'll have to wait for DS to return before borrowing. If he then finds he's bored he might start bringing some of his own things.

By the way, is DS bothered about the asking? If he isn't perhaps you needn't be either?

My post has disappeared so appologies if it reappears and I've repeated myself. Ds is 3, Dss is 12 but has ADHD and is developmentally more like 8 years old. I guess ds doesn't mind him not asking as he doesn't realise he should, but I don't want him learning that you can just take what you want without asking the owner. He definitely knows what is his and what is communal iyswim. Dss has his own things like his Nintendo DS and his lego that ds is not allowed to use even when Dss isn't here. I understand the Lego as it could break though. He also has his phone that ds is not allowed. One example of him taking stuff withour asking from yesterday is; Ds has my old I pod touch ( I'm embarrassed to post that as lots of people have string views on I pods, but it mainly has educational apps on and didn't cost anything as its my old one) Dss hasn't been interested in it before as it's just got pre school apps on but I made the mistake of downloading a Lego app ( for 4-7 yos) that Dss has taken a liking to. It's fine for him to play it of course, but he needs to ask ds and then SHARE ( a massive issue with him). Dss asked, 'where's ds's phone ( I pod)? I want to play the Lego game' I told him he needs to ask ds, so he dragged ds upstairs 4 times to look for it and ended up shouting at him :( it was exactly where it should be so I ended up having to go and get it as he was upsetting ds. I know that some people would say I shouldn't let ds have the I pod, but Dss has his Nintendo ds and smartphone so it's not like he's left out and there's no way ds would be allowed to use those!

ha that would get short shrift from me, as I would have got from my mum (we're a family of six). If you've all got the same then you eat/use/break/lose yours, it is tough biscuits.

If you all didn't get the same THEN you share, so it is all evened out.

The behaviour over the Ipod was unacceptable from your dss.

My dds have a few items that are theirs and the rest are for sharing. So at birthday and christmas time they are allowed to not share their things for a bit (weeks at most) but only if something has become very treasured does it not become part of the communal to be shared type thing. The stuff belongs to someone but it's accepted that other people will ask to play with it either on their own or together.

It sounds like your dss needs to some opportunities and experience of not be allowed to use other people things and other people not sharing special stuff with hiim like he doesn't with ds?

Your DS is 3 and Dss wants to play with his toys? The ipod must be the only thing he wants to play with. Delete the lego app and tell DSS he's not allowed to play with it. If he wants to play with any of DS's other toys (he probably won't), that's fine so long as he puts them back where he found them.

If I was 12 and had to ask permission from a 3 year old I'd think it was a bit odd really unless he had it in his hand. If I was 3 and had to go up and fetch my special toy for my much bigger brother I'd also be a bit miffed.

So long as DS doesn't want it at the time and it's returned to where it belongs that's all you need to do. DSS shouldn't be sharing his big boy toys as they're not appropriate for a 3 year old.

Actually Dss plays with all ds's toys. Even his Duplo, brio etc and even tries to play on his ( much to small) garden toys. He acts much younger than he is and his favourite things are ds's Cars figures and mac truck. I don't see why Dss shouldn't have to ask to play with ds's things after all ds is a person in his own right. There's the same age gap between me and dbro and I wouldn't expect to use his things without asking. Of course things like the Duplo and brio can be played with together so I would just expect Dss to join in or offer to play together with them rather than ask as such. There are some things Dss isn't allowed to play with like ds's my 1st scalextric as he wreaks the brushes, broke a car, won't help ds with his car and repeatedly put both cars on his track leaving ds without one. But I don't let either play with it when Dss is here so it's fair.

The thing is if I delete the app now, it'll just look spiteful :s

It disappeared as it was a free trial?
My 2 DDs play with each others toys and they sometimes get upset over some toys at certain times, but really I leave it up to them. I do often have to ask "who had it first" or police taking it in turns. It sounds as if you are more bothered than your DS though. I think you should stand back and just wait to intervene if there's a problem.
I don't think DD1 (4.11) asks DD2 (2.8) if she can play with toys unless she's actually playing with them or if DD2 is bothered and vice versa. DD1 has certain toys that DD2 can't play with as she's too little and that's fair enough and DD2 accepts that. It sounds as if you are treating DSS as if he is a guest in your home rather than a member of the family and DS's big brother.

It's not that he's a guest, it's just what I'd have done with my siblings at dss's age. That's why I asked what other groups of siblings do as maybe we were unusually polite with each other? Maybe I am more bothered than ds, I just don't see what's wrong with manners.

My DD and DSS are closer in age and share interests in Lego and other toys/games.

They have a communal toy box on the landing containing toys that they both agreed would go in there and then other toys, books, etc in their own rooms which are 'theirs'.

They are not permitted into each others rooms without permission - one of the house rules agreed by us all and neither child goes into the others room when they're not here and they both ask nicely if they want to borrow.

We did this early on because DD had been an only child whereas at DSS mums, privacy is non-existent and what is DSS's is his sisters, too A compromise was reached!

So, no - you're not alone OP

Just treat them like normal siblings-if one eats his first then it is tough. They have to ask permission to play with things that belong to a sibling.

Just wanted to add that even if your DS appears not to be bothered about it now, it doesn't make it OK. Based on my experience with DSS, things that he put up with/ that seemed not to bother him when he was a bit younger - some of these actually have been a source of resentment for him (and rightly so!). Now that he is a bit older (14), he is more likely to tell his sister off when she takes a shirt without asking, or tries to boss him about - but damage was done (to both of them, really) by allowing that to be acceptable for a very long time, instead of teaching DSS that he had a right to object.

By allowing your DSS to take the cavalier attitude towards your DS possessions, he will learn that it is Ok to take without asking and that respect is not necessary for him to give to anyone else.

I think so many step parents feel bad for defending our "natural" children when we feel the step children are stepping out of line, but if you see it as not teaching DSS right from wrong and that by allowing the bad behaviour you are actually doing your DSS just as much of a disservice as your own son, more so in fact.

I thought I would have had trouble with my son, a previous only child, when it comes to sharing, but because DS doesn't know how to share, he just allowed the DSC to walk all over him and take whatever they fancied whilst never getting a look in with their possessions.

I used to tell DS to share his things and to encourage him to do so, but I have changed my attitude and remind myself that DSC have as much as DS and they need to make their own entertainment and take responsibility for bringing their own electronic gadgets (that DP allows them to take to their Mum's) rather than being lazy and not bothering and then thinking they have free reign with DS possessions.

As for the chocolate; Easter Eggs are personal items, it's a no brainer that DSS shouldn't be alllowed to share, as far as I'm concerned. I've also stopped feeling guilty about buying DS little treats when DSC aren't here as I remind myself they never share anything they have at their Mums with him, so why should it work in one direction only?

it doesn't sound to me like you're treating your DSS as a guest, just expecting some basic rules to be followed by both children. Nothing wrong with that.