Need a rant!!!

[finnbarr]

I've posted about DSS before...but so need a rant!
He lives with us full time and dsd and other DSS live with mom.
So it's her weekend with the kids...we are supposed to be child free.
We get a text at half ten this morning from DSS asking if he could come home because he's bored and tired an wants to sleep
In his own bed.
Now, I'm generally laid back about the kids coming back and forth...the dsd often comes round etc BUT this is our weekend on our own!!!!!
And so...with friends coming round for a meal etc we now have a tired grumpy and miserable DSS and me and DH have had a row because apparently I hate his son and wish he didn't live here!
As for exwife SHE gets her weekends off completely childfree. Every time!!! We make sure of it!
I don't hate him- I struggle and find him frustrating but he is 15 and I'm sure being a typical teenager.
Sorry it's long and ranty but needed to get off my chest.

I don't think the kids should be able to choose tbh. In a "together" family the kids can;t just take themselves off to another house if things aren't going their way. If he was supposed to be at his mums then that's where he should be.

That's what I think!!!
Suppose I'm partly angry that he gets to choose...and that DH let's him...and jealous that exw gets her child free weekends COMPLETELY child free!!!!!!!

We used to have every other weekend child free till DH exW changed things so now we never have a whole weekend to ourselves. I hate it and find it really hard. I work very hard all week and just need some time at the weekend to unwind with DH but we don't get much chance.

I think it's been said on here a lot but a big part of the problem for me is that I have no control over it. DH exW can change things at little notice and DH goes along with it. he never changes his days but she is always messing with the rota and it's hard to plan anything as we can never be sure we won't have the dsd's.

I always get told I'm being unreasonable whenever I say anything about it! Drives me nuts!!!!

Me too - it's hard isn't it?

I'll be honest I think you're being a bit unreasonable. He lives with you! He should be able to come HOME when he wants too. I don't get a weekend off from my dds. I know where you coming from as I used to long for some time to ourselves when DSD was younger, but it just comes with the territory of being a parent and steparent I'm afraid.

That's real double standard though - nrp are always getting a hard time on here for not talking about their house as if it is their childs home. So by that standard the boy in question should feel that his mothers house is his home as much as his fathers is.

Why should he be the one to choose how all the other people involved spend their weekend? It won't do him any good to think it always has to be about what he wants. After all it's not as if he is being abused at his mothers - he just didn't fancy being there. Well tough luck - I didn't much fancy the supermarket this afternoon but I still had to go!

There were quite a few times when my DSD would visit her mum when she was younger and she would ring us wanting to come home. We always told her she could.

But is it right for children in step-families to always be the ones who decide for everyone else? Why would you let the child choose - I really do not understand this.

By doing this you are fostering a situation where the child will at some point feel they have to choose. That's to much pressure and not fair on the child. The point of a rota with children (I'm not talking about anyone over the age of 16 here!) is that the adults have decided where the children will be on certain days so that the adults are able to organise their lives around this and the children have stability and know where they are.

I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm in the minority in believing that giving a child a choice is not best for them

I can only assume that the same parents who allow their DCs to choose whether or not to spend time with their NRP are equally casual about less important commitments, such as whether the DC goes to school or not?

It bewilders me, tbh - but as my DSD situation is totally outside my sphere of influence, I have learnt not to let it affect me. I have wonderful DCs who I do spend time with, and I've decided to focus on them.

Agree NADM
Things would be a lot easier if everyone knew their place.
Children are children and adults are adults.
Adults make decisions and children do what the adults tell them.
In a 'normal' family this is a given but in a step family the child is the boss.
I have spent all week reminding DP that HE IS THE GROWN UP!
grrrrrr!!!!

I'm not sure it is the norm in together families anymore - DP and I despair at friends and relatives who practice what we refer to as free range parenting - allowing their DCs to dictate and choose the direction and boundaries of family life.

Step children are given far too much power. As someone said earlier this week: they are pandered to as if they're toddlers, but are granted the decision-making powers of an adult. It's just so wrong. Our household routine is dictated by a non-resident 17 yr old, which is incredibly frustrating.

Petal - I agree, it seems the norm for DCs who are in a separated family situation to be given adult status as some form of recompense - choosing when and if to see the NRP, whether or not to participate in family activities, where and what to eat/holiday/live - the list goes on and on.

I remember my DSD was furious when DP wouldn't tell her in advance what he had planned for a contact weekend - she openly admitted that she wanted to know so she could decide if it was worth coming or not

My own DD has been given casting vote on the selection of her Dad/SM new house; and of course, chores and responsibilities are optional for her at his house

But - what do we expect? Society has given DCs these benefits while at the same time delaying responsibility The family court system gives DCs a level of responsibility far beyond their emotional maturity, schools quote 'Gillick competence' and excludes parents on the DCs say-so and DCs are seeking litigious solutions to what they consider is unfair treatment.

But, DCs rarely take on paid work before they are 16, they are treated leniently by the criminal justice system in order to avoid 'ruining their lives', they are not expected or prepared for taking on adult responsibilities when they turn 18 - the responsibility that comes with being an adult is seen to be an unfair burden on them.

I wonder what the next generation of parents will be like?

It's a tough one - I feel at 15 DC SHOULD have a certain say in where they are when rather than following a rigid contact schedule, however if he says he wants to visit Mum and is already there IMO he should stay there. If not you could end up with a situation where every time the child disagrees with a rule or doesn't get their own way they have the option to just run away to the other parent.

When SD (12) gets told off here she always shouts that she wants to go to her Mum's and at her Mum's she apparently says she wants to come to us but she doesn't get to...after half an hour or so she usually calms down but if she were able to make that choice then she could just opt out of the telling off every time.

I feel he should have to stick it out for a bit at his Mum's and be collected at a time that suits all of you, even if that's the next morning or whatever, he may have even changed his mind by then an decided to stay.

"I can only assume that the same parents who allow their DCs to choose whether or not to spend time with their NRP are equally casual about less important commitments, such as whether the DC goes to school or not?"

NotaDisneyMum I think you're jumping to some pretty way out there conclusions there. Why on earth would a child be given the choice whether they go to school or not?

Feminist exactly my point!

Why on earth would a DC be given the choice about something so important that will have a lasting impact on the rest of their lives?

What could possibly be more important than a meaningful relationship with a parent? Some parents place this decision in the hands of their DCs, while less important issues, such as whether or not to go to school, are for the parent to decide.

Why is that?

How many kids moan about visiting Granny for Sunday lunch or Aunts and Uncles etc.

Do we allow them to opt out? In my opinion, any decent parent would teach a child that although Uncle Bert or whoever might be a bit boring to the kids, we still have to visit him and be kind to him. That's a good lesson for kids to learn surely?

And yet, the most significant person in the childs life - the parent, is allowed to be sidelined in favour of a social life, the playstation or "better" food in the fridge are all examples I've read about!

My own DS gets bored at his Dad's, he is certainly not allowed to come home just because he is bored.

And yes, single parents are allowed copiuous amounts of "time off" and it is encouraged and celebrated but step parents are never allowed to say "I don't want any kids around and want a day off".

NotaDisneyMum Ok yes I see your point now and I agree with you. I was naively looking at it from my own experience of my DSD, who's mum is not a person she should have any kind of relationship with whatsoever.