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Annoyed and irritable and need to offload - again!

6 replies

thewickedestSMinthewest · 14/04/2012 15:55

For a start, DSD is now here every Friday night. At least that is the plan. And every Saturday day time. Better than we thought in Dec & Jan as she said she would never come and also then that if she did ever come it would be on alternate weeks to my DD. But I still feel it?s rather annoying as we used to do alternate weekends same as with my DD and now we have her here when DD is not which is pretty annoying.
However, since this was put in place in Feb there is always some reason why this has to change. I know she?s a soon to be teen (13 next week) and that she has social engagements but we are talking a very young teen, not 14/15 + and where her dad only gets to see her so rarely where he is used to 4 out of 7 days it?s really hard. As it is for my DD who doesn?t understand. It?s all about what DSD wants ? like the worst thing in the world would be if she was told no. Am I the only one who was made to traipse around various grandparents and aunts every so often at the weekend?? Did it kill me? Was I flung in to a pit of misery and solitude and forced to commit social suicide? No! And something else, had I not ever bothered to do ?boring? family things at weekends at that age I certainly wouldn?t have been allowed to rock up two weeks later to a pile of Easter Eggs lovingly gifted and stacked in my bedroom.
Last weekend we had plans to spend both days with family ? she changed at last minute to say she was going away with her friend for the weekend and that following week. She came last night and was due to stay all day today. She gets up at 12pm and calls her Mum straight away who suggests that her dad take her home (one and a half hour round trip) for 1pm so they can go shopping to buy things for her birthday party next weekend because oh, guess what ? she wants to have it at her mums and it just has to be on the Friday (even though her birthday is on tues) so we wont have her then either. DH has said no to the early drop off. Both ex and dSD made a fuss and he said if it meant that much ex could come and collect? suddenly it became not so important.
DSD didn?t have breakfast because she was asleep, she didn?t fancy lunch, and is now satin the kitchen having just eaten a double decker, a crème egg and a whole Easter egg in the space of 10 minutes.
I said I thought she should have something proper (don?t know why I bother) and her dad said the same. She just shrugged and said no. No repercussion ? she?s already lost her pocket money and now we?re not going to see her for two weeks there is hardly any point in coming up with a punishment.
I know I moan on here all the time but FFS it?s sooooo annoying to not have any say over the behaviour of a child who treats your home as a f?ing hotel, has no manners and barely any idea how to behave as you would expect a young child to ? never mind the adult that she is afforded the rights of.
Scream!!!!!

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
thewickedestSMinthewest · 14/04/2012 16:11

I've had enough of the atmosphere so told her I'm having a lie down and goodbye as she'll probably go while I'm up there. I say happy birthday for tues, when will we see you next? She just shrugs. I say, two weeks I think and she just looks back at her laptop. Sad
I treated her and dh to dinner last night for her birthday. I saw dh kick her under the table to remind her to say thank you after he did. Yuk.
I know she's a child but I'm sick of her being such a baby with no responsibility on one hand and an adult princess on the other. Must be nice to have the best of both worlds.
It's not nice though, it must be a shit life for her really Sad

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theredhen · 14/04/2012 17:33

I think this is the main bug bear of step parents. The kids being allowed to make adult decisions but having no responsibility for their actions at all.

I think I have only seen my DP give his son a consequence a few times in 4 years and I don't think I have ever seen him give his girls a consequence. My son has been brought up on boundaries and consequences for overstepping them. He knows where he stands, my step children have no idea - it all depends on DP mood or how nasty his ex wife is being at the time as to how he will parent (or not) his kids.

I think you are right to feel sorry for your DSD because she too knows that no-one really cares enough about her to put their foot down and say "no more". Both parents are frightenend of losing her and for their own selfish needs let her dictate their lives. Children don't really want that - children want to be parented and to learn right from wrong and to have strong role models. Children want to know that their parents love them enough that they would shop them to the police, ground them for bad behaviour, give them curfews, ban them from playing with their favourite toy or horror of horrors let them throw a strop and refuse to visit and be strong enough to tell them that they are welcome at any time but bad, ill mannered behaviour will not be tolerated in their home.

That's what kid actually want and need, but too many biological parents are scared to do so.

thewickedestSMinthewest · 14/04/2012 18:36

Thanks for the support redhen, you are absolutely right. Im sure the thought "I hate you!" runs through my dd's mind at least once a week but that is a good thing!
Dsd literally has no boundaries what so ever. God only knows what will happen when she has access to her own credit card etc.

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Smum99 · 14/04/2012 20:04

It's crazy behaviour and unhealthy on so many levels. I can see that your dh is trying to enforce some boundaries but since the fallout over money your step daughter is aware she has control. I don't know how this will turn out, I suspect your step daughter is looking for both parents to compete for her attentions and her mum is willing to play this game. As your step daughter gets a little older she MAY start to realise the behaviour isn't right - it certainly is happening for dss who is 14 (but he has had other life events as well).

It's hard to imagine the situation until it happens to you and it's certainly not a situation that a PWC has to go through...this horrid position is only reserved for us step parents. I just hope it gets better, it's not likely to get much worse so maybe the only way is up.

brdgrl · 14/04/2012 21:27

I think this is the main bug bear of step parents. The kids being allowed to make adult decisions but having no responsibility for their actions at all.
Absolutely. Treated like an empowered woman on the one hand, and a toddler on the other. All the privileges, none of the responsibility...I know the scene. :)

It is outlandish, at barely 13, for her 'social calendar' to be put before her time with family.

I do hope it is 'just a phase...'

thewickedestSMinthewest · 16/04/2012 07:02

So do I brdgirl but I fear the worst Sad

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